December 4, 2013

Today has been sort of a downer.  No real reason in particular--maybe because it was cloudy this morning?  Maybe because I woke up at 3am to find Landon in my bed and took him back to his... then Owen woke up at 5:15am and I fed him and then he was up fussing for several hours?  Yeah, probably a combination of those things.  Spencer has been a cheerful little thing today though and happily played while I laid on the floor reading and resting during Owen's nap this morning.  He is such a creative little thing.  I love it.

I decided that maybe a good pick-me-up would be to list some things that I'm grateful for.

• The weather the past few days has been gorgeous.  High 70s.  And it's December.  We went to the park yesterday and I just loved being out in the sunshine watching the boys run around with their friends.  I'm grateful the older two are at ages that I don't have to worry about them falling off something or climbing too high.  And Owen is young enough he'll just stay in his stroller.  So I can actually chat with my friends and enjoy the park too!
• I'm thankful for personal revelation.  I was wondering about how to solve a problem and received an explanation that really made sense to me.  It was about forgiveness.  I wondered about choices other people make and how they ever truly get fixed to the point you can forgive.  And in my mind popped an analogy about how the Savior is like a physician.  Physicians fix problems that they didn't create all of the time.  We can injure each other physically and not have the capabilities to heal the wound, because we lack the training and knowledge.  We can injure each other emotionally and not really have capabilities to heal those wounds past just being sorry.  So when we're injured, we need to turn to the Master Physician and let him fix it.  Because He's the only one who can.  Anyway, I thought it was a neat thought, so I wanted to share.
• I'm thankful for my living arrangement.  I take it for granted all of the time.  But I really shouldn't have many complaints in life.  I have a beautiful home and food on the table and nice people to share it with.  It doesn't really get much better than that.
• I'm thankful for Christmas traditions. Our boys are getting old enough that we are creating some of our own, and it's really fun to think about how they might evolve over time.  I ordered a bunch of Christmas books the other day and wrapped them last night.  We are going to do the 12 days of Christmas Books this year, starting next week, and I'm excited to sit on the couch each night with my babies, freshly bathed, reading by the light of the Christmas tree.  I'm sure it won't be that idyllic every night, but if that moment happens just once, it will be worth it!

Well, I've decided I'm about three years overdue for a blog book, so I'm off to start designing them!  Happy Wednesday to us all! :)

November 6, 2013

Sometimes Landon likes to take my ipod and sneak into my bathroom and take pictures of himself, apparently!
Speaking of Landon, I want to write a letter to him because I've been thinking about him tonight.

Landon,
My dear little boy--I cannot believe it is November already.  You've already been in school for several months.  And I still don't feel like I've fully made that transition in the way that I had intended to.  In my defense, it was hard to have a baby right before this.  Owen is a great baby, but he is still a baby... and so I'm just tired--so very tired.  I'm not as young as I was when I had you, and I feel like each time it takes me a little bit longer to jump back on the horse and do everything that I need to in order to make our family run smoothly.  I feel like I'm almost there--I've been making dinner more regularly and keeping the house clean and I've never been late to pick you up from school--despite Spencer being three and disagreeable.  But I know I'm not quite there yet.

Many times in the morning, I'm still in bed while you're getting ready for school.  Because I'm just so tired and my back hurts and your dad is really nice and told me he can take care of it.  You're still really excited to go to school and so you get up on your own and get dressed, but lately I can tell you're just a little bit overwhelmed with the whole getting ready for school routine and making it there on time.  And lately I've been thinking about how this needs to be the next thing that I tackle in life--getting up with you and helping you, even if it just means sitting on the couch to nurse the baby instead of laying in bed nursing the baby. I know that I need to be more present in your life, even if you're the easiest one right now.  You still need me.  And even though your dad does a great job in the morning, he's still not a mom.  He's juggling a lot of details with his job and so he forgets when it's library day or to pack a snack and a lunch.  Those are supposed to be my jobs, I know.  And I intend to make them my job again.  I can always jump back in bed after you leave and turn on an episode of Callou (I'm so sick of that show) for Spence and get some rest if I need to.

Because I get a lot of time with Spencer and Owen right now--but not with you.  But I do want you to know how much I've enjoyed being in Primary with you on Sundays the past year.  I hope that somehow the things that I've taught in sharing time have burrowed their way into your heart--because of all of the children, you're the one whose learning I care about the most, if I'm being honest.  I've enjoyed the extra time with you.  In January, heaven help us, Spencer will be joining us in the sunbeam class, and...yeah... we'll see how that goes...

Anyway, as I was thinking about what I need to do better as your mom this evening, I got a little frustrated with myself.  I wished that I could've been there for you more the past couple of months.  I had always envisioned that once you were in kindergarten I would get up every morning before you woke up and make you breakfast every day.  And so far, it's been you waking me up.  And I'm just really sorry.  It's hard being the oldest one--trust me, I know.  Your little brothers take up a lot of my patience and energy because they are still so little, and I know that it's unfair to you.  But please know now, and in the future, that I'm trying my best.  I love you with all of my heart, and I know you deserve the best mom in the universe.  I'm definitely not her, but I try every day to be a little bit better than I was the day before.  I may never make a habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to fry eggs and make waffles, but I hope you know that I love you and that I'm trying to be the best I know how.

After feeling a little bit discouraged, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing.  I hadn't read it in probably 3 or 4 years, I'm embarrassed to say--and it was a really neat experience.  It's funny how it can be so fitting to read it when you're 16, but then you read it at age 29 and it fits even more perfectly.  It's neat to read it as an actual mother and not just a potential mother--and to know how the counsel will help me to help you personally.  It helped to give me some "big picture" perspective and what I needed to focus on and change about myself.  It says such wonderful things about my children, and for many years I just had to imagine who they would be--but now I know, and it makes it even more special.  (And you're even better than I had imagined, by the way.)  I hope someday I get to the place that I want to be in life, and that you'll be patient with me as I get there.  As the oldest, you'll see me change the most as a mom--I'm a lot younger with you at any given stage than I am with your brothers--which is a good and a bad thing. But I know that you were first for a reason, and that you'll excel in life despite my shortcomings (because the Lord just makes up the difference that way), and I just get to be along for the ride!

My heart just bursts with love every time I think about how wonderful of a person you are.  You are so kind and so thoughtful, to me especially.  You made me a mother, and I will be forever grateful for that.  I see so much of myself in you, but it's like you're a much better version of me (probably because your dad is mixed in there somewhere to mellow you out a bit).  I hope we continue to understand each other the way that we do because it is such a blessing to me in my life.  And I hope that these sincere feelings that I have can work their way into the way I act on a daily basis.  Because you are so much more to me than just a problem to be solved, a mess to be cleaned, a blue folder to get into your backpack, or a mouth to feed.  And I want you to know that, not just because I said it in this lovely letter, but because I show you in my actions and the way I speak every day of your life.

Thank you for your patience and for just being you.  You add so much to our family, and your brothers are lucky to have you!

Love,
Mom

October 22, 2013

Right now Landon is at school, and Spencer is at mommy-preschool at a friend's house, and Owen is taking a nap.  Tuesdays are pretty great.  BK usually gets off work early on Tuesdays, too.  Today is Spencer's half-birthday (3 1/2!!), and so I will make him his signature pound cake with his great-grandfather's recipe.  Then we are going to carve pumpkins for the Family Home Evening we were unable to have yesterday. The sun in shining and it's not raining (it's been raining a lot lately) and I just think it's going to be a great day.

Right now my job at church is that I'm in charge of the children's sunday school classes.  (This job is called the Primary President.)  It's been a real challenge mainly just because there are so many classes, and it's hard to stay organized with everything--especially in the midst of running my own family.  But I have learned more with this calling than I have with any other so far. One thing in particular, is that I know the Lord is involved in the details of our lives.  Even the seemingly small ones.

I'm a busy person. (Everyone is.) It's been a disorganized year for our family--with my pregnancy and then having a baby and trying to figure out for the third time what the new "normal" looks like for our little family.  In the midst of that, I have dozens of primary children from church and all of their teachers and leaders that I constantly find on my mind.  When I have a problem to solve, it's hard for me to find the time to really focus clearly on what I need to do to solve it--because naptime is always too short, or my children are too impatient when I make more than one phonecall in a day, or somebody's hungry, and on and on and so forth.  But I have noticed a pattern.  When there's something that is truly, truly important, the Lord helps me know what to do quickly.  I just get impressions and thoughts, and they are clear as day, as if somebody is speaking to me directly, and I know exactly the direction I need to take.  When something can wait a while to be solved, I might not get such a clear answer, and the Lord gives me the opportunity to think about it during my jumbled life and lets me learn lessons about balancing my time and counseling with my counselors and praying and weighing pros and cons.

But sometimes, like I said, He just cuts to the chase and lets me off the hook and tells me what to do.  Because I think He knows I'm doing the best I can with my time that I have.  Last night I had an experience with that.  Since it involves other people and their personal lives, I can't share details here, but last night I was sitting on the couch chatting with BK about my day.  He started dozing off because Mondays are his long days--and so I was left to my own thoughts.  I had a specific thought about an experience I had had with Spencer a few months ago come to my mind for no reason.  Following that sudden change of train of thought, I felt the distinct impression that I was given that experience in life so that I could better relate to parents who had been through something similar.  And then the Spirit told me how this could apply to a specific person I was trying desperately to know how to help.  And it just clicked perfectly.  As if that wasn't enough, two minutes later, my cell phone beeped, indicating that I had a voicemail message.  For some reason it hadn't rang when she had called (probably because it would've interrupted the conversation I was having in my head...haha) but the voicemail message was from the person I had just been thinking about two minutes before. And so I called her back.  The experience with Spencer fit in perfectly to the conversation we were having and it helped us to have a positive conversation about the problem we were trying to figure out.  It was exactly what she needed to hear in that moment.  And I was left feeling extremely grateful that the Lord had given me the answer beforehand for how I needed to handle the situation.  Because He loves me, and He loves her.

I can't even tell you how many times this has happened in the past year.  I have never felt inspiration so strongly in my life, and it has been a powerful lesson to me about how much the Lord really does love His children--the little ones, especially.  He cares about the details of their lives, and so He lets people know through inspiration how best to take care of them. It really is true. :)

October 14, 2013

Just a garble of random thoughts for the week:

• Landon and a friend were playing at recess, and his friend decided to, in Landon's word, "be a rock-throwing alien" and pegged Landon in the side of the face.  We took him to the doctor and got the wound glued shut.  But I was impressed with several people in this situation.  #1 The school nurse.  She took such good care of him until I came and got him.  She bandaged him all up and was so sweet to him.  #2 Landon.  I asked him if he was mad at the boy who threw the rock, and he immediately said, "No.  He's my friend.  He didn't mean to.  He gave me a hug and told me he was sorry.  I'm sad I don't get to play with him at recess for a few days." (The boy lost recess privileges for a few days.) #3 The boy's mom.  This woman gave the school nurse her phone number and told her to pass it along to me.  I called her and she apologized profusely and offered to pay for the medical bills.  We told her no, but it was really nice of her to offer.  She sat down with her son and had him write Landon the sweetest letter to give to him the next day.  It just made me tear up that there really are good people out there who handle things with class and dignity. It made it a lot easier to not get upset about the situation.  Landon's all better now.  I hope I never have to get a call from the school nurse again!!
• We had my primary presidency and their families over last night for dinner.  It was great fun. I am so SO blessed to work with such wonderful, wonderful people.  We all get along so well, and I look forward to hanging out with them each week while we try to stay on top of teaching the children the Gospel.  It has truly been a huge blessing in my life to get to know each one of them.  I've been through 5, almost 6 counselors/secretaries, and each combination has been outstanding, and such a huge blessing to me in my life.  It doesn't always go that way, and so I'm just so thankful that it has for all of us.  I'm thankful that the Lord has brought so many wonderful examples into my life.
• Spencer somehow miraculously did not get in trouble once while they were all here.  He played nicely with all the other kids for 3 hours.  I was floored.  He really is growing up.  I told him I was so proud of him for playing nicely with the babies, and he said, "I trying, Momma.  I trying."  I know he is.  He's a great little guy.
• At least once throughout my day, I still get so excited to be living in our house.  BK and I were married for many years before we finally got to buy a house, and it's better than I could've imagined.  It's not our dream home by any means, but it's got plenty of room to grow into, and I just remember the day we walked through it and I just knew it was meant for us to raise our babies in for a few years.  Before we closed on it, I used to find excuses to drive down to go look at it.  The builder would give me the key, and the boys and I would just play/sit in the empty living room and imagine how fantastic it was going to be when we moved in.  In fact, one of those times, we were upstairs figuring out whose room would be whose, and Spencer took his first steps in the hallway up there.   It's been perfect for our family, and I'm just so happy with it.  
• Today Landon had the day off (Columbus day?).  I have already forgotten how different it is when he's home on a weekday!  It was actually really fun.  He likes to tell me all about animals he's learned about from books or TV or whatever.  So while I cleaned bathrooms today, I was interrupted a few times to look up facts about cheetahs on wikipedia because I couldn't answer his questions.  (What animal does hunt cheetahs??)  He also built several lego guys and told me all about how they have "jet repulsion" packs and how they use a telescope to see "so far.  they can see... from texas to UTAH, Mom."   I can tell he gets painfully bored hanging out with me and babies, and he's totally ready to go back to school tomorrow, but it was nice to have his company today to chat with me while I got things done.
• Owen is of course still so awesome. I love 3 month olds.  They're just so...not chaotic.  And I feel like this time I am appreciating that more than ever before.  I love how I can be at the end of my rope with the other two, but then he just smiles at me for no reason (maybe because as far as he can tell I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen because I feed him all the time?  Who knows.) and I just melt. And then I laugh because he looks just like Spencer.  And then I go find whatever mess the real Spencer has made, and it doesn't seem like quite as big of a deal.  I have really enjoyed having his calm presence in our home.  He makes me feel like I could have ten more babies (I won't.) and just love every minute of it.  But you can ask me that again in about 10 months when he starts walking and I will have probably scaled that number back a bit...
• Well, I'm off to cut out some elephant games for preschool tomorrow! It's been a great week so far! :)

October 8, 2013

We have a pretty good time--those two and me--while we kick it at home during Landon's school day.  Spencer is...learning to be a good big brother and a good helper, and Owen is of course just a happy, smiley 3 month old, as most 3 month olds are in my experience.

The other day, I got into some argument with Spencer about going potty. (Just give it up already, Spencer!! I WILL end up winning in the end!!) I can't really remember the details, but I think it involved him having an accident right after I asked him if he needed to go potty, and then him having to sit on the potty for awhile. (sidenote: trust me, folks.  We've already been through sticker charts, ice cream treats, earning coins, a gumball machine, and any other positive reinforcement I can think of... He knows how to go potty and he knows he's supposed to AND he refuses to wear diapers or pull-ups... it's time for him to just grow up and do it and quit having accidents--thus, the "harsh" sitting on the potty episode.)

Well, this did not make him very happy. (Well, DUH, why didn't you think of that BEFORE you peed in your undies?!?) He sat in there and cried for awhile, and I regained my composure and then went in to discuss the matter calmly with him.  Through his tears, he told me pitifully, "Mama...you's huwt my feewings!"

I apologized for hurting his "feewings" but told him I needed him to be a big boy like he had done before and just go potty when he needed to, instead of having accidents.  He said, "I didn't mean to, mama.  I pwomise I won't do it!"  (yeah...right.  But I appreciate his in-the-moment sincerity anyway.)

I decided we needed to do something to help him feel successful and loved and worthwhile, since he's been so frustrated with himself about the potty thing.  I asked him if he wanted to watch some of his birthday videos.  He agreed through his sniffles.

We turned on his baby video, and he sat on my lap and watched it.  I talked to him about how awesome he is and told him the stories of all the pictures he asked about.  As I watched it, I teared up with gratitude that I get to be this little guy's mom.  I know that I don't even know the half of his personality yet.  (He is more than the sum of his potty accidents, after all, you know!) I know he has talents that neither of us know yet.  I know he is smart and funny and loves to draw and create things.  But I'm just so excited to see what that all turns into over the next many years.  He's just such a cute little thing.

Off to pick him up from mommy-preschool!! :)

September 26, 2013

When did I all of the sudden have three kids?  It still seems surreal when I post pictures of three kids, instead of just one, or even any at all.  It seems like the more kids I have, the faster that life goes.  It's harder to stay on top of everything in my life with three children, but in a way, it helps balance life that I can't spend too much time overly worrying about one thing, because something new is bound to pop up at any given moment.  There is always a need to be filled, a cheek to be kissed, a tear to wipe away... it's chaotic, but it's a good kind of chaos mostly.  

This week has been one where I've just felt like my best wasn't good enough--that I lack patience and understanding, and a whole list of other things.  But I just keep praying that I'll find it in myself to find patience and understanding that I didn't know that I had.  Because I know it's there, I just have to wrap my mind around this new "normal" and figure out how best I fit into all of it.  

I would expound, but it's time to go pick Landon up from school! (See what I mean about not having a ton of time to get overly worked up about one thing?!) Spending time in the car-line at first was a huge chore, but based on the suggestion of a friend, I started using that time to read my scriptures.  I pack a snack for Spencer, and we sit in the car for 10 or 15 minutes, waiting until 3:20 when Landon actually gets out, and I read the Book of Mormon and write my thoughts on the chapter I read.  It's actually really nice to have 10-15 minutes that I'm literally strapped into my seat unable to be distracted by anything else-- a nice peaceful moment before all three kids are reunited for the last part of the day while I'm trying to make dinner and nurse a baby and all the rest of everything else... 

I'm really looking forward to the Relief Society Broadcast on Saturday.  I think it will be the perfect timing for me to just sit and listen to some happy, positive words, at the end of a long week.  My heart is definitely open and in need of some encouragement, and I know I'll find it there!! I don't often just get to sit and listen in church anymore... three kids in sacrament meeting, so that explains that, and then being in primary with the kids (which I love, but still...)... I'm just really looking forward to it!!

Off to the car line I go!!

September 19, 2013

Dearest children of mine,

I should be tending to your every need right this moment, but instead I'm writing you a letter to record what's going on right this moment.  Let's see, where to start... Owen is currently in his swing fussing.  He's been fussy for the past 24 hours, probably because I keep sprinkling crushed red pepper on everything I eat.  So apparently I'll need to give that up for awhile.  Or maybe he's just disagreeable today.  I can't really blame him.

Landon.  I woke up at 6:30am this morning to go to your parent-teacher conference at 7am.  Of course it was all good news.  And actually I really have no complaints about you right now.  You're busy playing super mario brothers on the wii because I've given up for the day.

Spencer.  GOOD HEAVENS.  You chose not to take a nap today, and instead squirreled around in your room.  So right now you're in that super-annoying mode where you're so tired that you're hyper as all get-out.  So charming.  Currently you're harassing the dog and jumping all over the couch even though I've asked you literally FIVE TIMES to stop.  It's only 5:57pm, and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it until 7pm. Instead I'll probably just put you to bed in 3 minutes.

Children, children, children.  Your father has been working late on Mondays and Thursdays. (And recently got a new calling at church with the youth!  Goodbye, Wednesdays, too!)  Because he got an opportunity to make more money.  And life is all about the benjamins.  Well, not really.  But guess what?  It's expensive to have children, as it turns out.  Namely, your hospital bills.  Dearest Owen, you are cute, but you ended up costing us FOUR TIMES the amount in medical bills than we were expecting.  Small oversight in the insurance fine print on our part.  So we gotta pay that off.  So yes, all of you fussy, disobedient children I have, I also had to pay thousands of dollars for... hmmm.

Anyway, I hope you know that I still love you. But just so you know, being a mom is rough sometimes.  I'm a human being, too, with my own needs and wants.  I give those up on a daily basis for you--and sometimes I just need to pitch a mini-fit about it, which is what I'm doing right now.  But in a moment, I'll take a deep breath and tell myself to grow up and quit being selfish and learn to make it to the end of a day without losing it.  And then I'll check on you when you are asleep like little angels, and I'll feel bad for being mad at you because you'll be all innocent and darling curled up with your blankies.  And I'll wake up in the morning and try again because I know that you need me.

But trust me, as soon as you are in bed, there is a half gallon of Happy Tracks Blue Bell Ice Cream with my name written ALL OVER IT.

All my love,
Mom

September 1, 2013

Our dearest Landon started kindergarten this last week.  He was definitely ready and excited to go.  He let me walk him to class the first two days, but definitely had no issue whatsoever with me leaving.  He's mad he doesn't get to go to school tomorrow (Labor Day.)  I still can't believe he's old enough for me to just drop him off at the school doors and have him make his own way to his class and not get lost, but he can do it!

Neither of us cried, though I did feel my heart break as I turned around and left him on the first day. I thought about my feelings later, and I realized that I'm sad because I am not the person who spends most of his waking hours with him anymore.  And that's how it will be the rest of his life.  But I'm also so happy for him and that he gets to have new adventures with new people.  I'm just sad that 5 years went by faster than I could've possibly imagined.  But I'm happy to say that I really don't have any real regrets over the past five years. I've gotten to stay home with him and do all the things with him that I've wanted to.  Sure, in hindsight, I've made mistakes.  But along the way, I've reevaluated and made changes to my parenting whenever I noticed something wasn't working.  That's really all you can expect parents to do.  Mostly, I'm just really proud of him.  He's such a well-rounded, well-behaved little guy, and for the most part it has been a breeze to get him ready to go out into the "real world."  He's made friends extremely easily this first week, and his teacher and PE teacher both found me separately to tell me how sweet he is and how much they love teaching him already.  As a former kindergarten teacher, I know that easy kids like Landon are much appreciated.  I do miss having my biggest helper around the house, but Spencer has actually risen to the occasion so far, and it's been a good change in pace for everyone to have a new routine to settle into.

Spencer will be doing a little co-op preschool with a couple of friends starting in a week or so.  He's very excited that he got to buy a backpack.  I'm excited for him to get a little more practice with making friends and following directions.  As much of a handful as that kid is, he is one of the most charming creatures, and I enjoy seeing his smiling face every day.  He's been soaking up all this extra "momma time" since Landon's been gone, and Owen still sleeps most of the day.  He is a cuddly little thing, and while that means that somedays I don't get everything done on my list, I'm completely fine with that.  They get too big, too fast.

Owen continues to be a dream-baby.  He is so mellow and just so good.  He sleeps through the night and is pleasant to be around almost all of the time.  He's so chubby and cheerful, and it's just a joy to have him in our family.  He's started smiling at me when I get him out of his crib in the morning, and that's just about the best thing ever.

Life is good. :)

Welcome, Owen George!

I suppose I should write my third birth story before the details become lost in my sleep-deprived head...

My pregnancy with baby #3 progressed like the other two--in that, it didn't progress.  At 39 weeks, I still was not dilated or effaced.  And his head was still way, way high.  I decided to set an induction date for my due date the following week.

And so on Thursday around 4pm, BK and I headed to my doctor's office to have an EASI-cath put in.  (This is also called a Foley Catheter, and it's the same way I was induced with Spencer.  I highly recommend it!) It was, of course, an uncomfortable procedure, but you know what else is uncomfortable? Being 40 weeks pregnant.  The doctor got it in, and then we headed across the street to the hospital.  My doctor with Spencer let me go home at this point, but for some reason around here, they want to observe you and the baby.

We arrived at the hospital, and they brought me some dinner.  It actually wasn't half-bad. But BK still went to Chick-fil-a a little while later for second-dinner.  My food was going to be cut-off at midnight, so I needed to carb up!  BK and I hung out and watched TV.  It was pretty boring.  He fell asleep around 10:30pm, but I was way too excited to sleep.  I tried, but I just wanted things to get a move on.  I'll spare you the details, but around 2am, the EASI-cath fell out, which meant I was dilated to a 3-4ish.  I tried to get some rest after this, but contractions (although very mild and harmless) started coming pretty regularly.  They woke me up around 5am to shower.  After this, they started pitocin.

The baby immediately did not like the stronger contractions on the pitocin.  (Neither did Landon.  I never had to be on pit with Spence.)  So they dropped it down to a really, really low dose.  They checked me and I was still at a 4.

The doctor came in around 8, and I was still at a 4, maybe a 5.  He broke my water, and the nurses said they would check me again in two hours.  I decided it would probably be at that point that I would want an epidural.  I tried to get up and walk around as much as possible to move things along.

The contractions quickly became unbearable after my water broke.  I could tell he was starting to move down.  I checked the clock, and it was about 9am.  I felt silly calling them back in to check me when they had pretty much just left.  And I really didn't want to be stuck in bed half-paralyzed for very long.

However, I believe it was about 15 minutes later, that I paged them to request my epidural.  It took the anesthesiologist about 45 minutes to get there.  (Of course it did.) And I have never been in so much pain in my life.  I was reduced to tears and gripped the bedrails like there was no tomorrow and just tried not to scream at the top of my lungs.  I could feel him moving down, and I immediately panicked wondering if I had waited too long and wouldn't get the pain relief.  The contractions lasted about a minute and were about 2 minutes apart.

Finally the anesthesiologist showed up.  Unfortunately because the contractions were getting so close together and I was being rather uncooperative (not on purpose, but I could not even think straight because I was in so much pain--even though at this point they had completely turned off the pitocin--so he's telling me to round out my back, and I'm just trying not to pass out....) and fortunately after the THIRD TRY 35 minutes later he got the dang thing in.  And then I was feeling GREAT!!!

After the epidural had time to process, they checked me again, and I was at a 6 almost a 7.  Perfect timing! Over the next 2.5 hours, the baby became very picky about my positions.  His heartrate kept jumping around, and so I'd move into a different position and so on and so forth.  Finally the nurse checked me again and I was at an 8.

Then she said something like "Well, there is another way we can fix this heart problem.  Push during the next contraction and let's see if we can just get him out."

I pushed through two more contractions, and was fully dilated then.  They paged the doctor and had me push a couple more times.  The doctor showed up about 10 minutes later.  Three pushes later, our little baby boy was born at 1:53pm.  He immediately cried and pinked up.

Even though it was my third time experiencing this moment, it never ceases to amaze me what a miracle it truly is.  My first thought about him was that his cry sounded exactly like Spencer's.  And my second thought was being astonished at how big he was, and how much he looked like the other two newborns I've had the privilege of mothering.

We named him Owen George.  My grandfather's name is George, and since he is one of my favorite people, we decided to use that as Owen's middle name.  (All of my boys have family middle names.)  He was 8 lbs 13 oz and 21.5 in at birth.  He was immediately awake and alert.  Soon the rest of the family came to meet him.

Owen has been a calm, mellow baby so far.  My recovery went great until I got mastitis twice, and then I'm currently recovering from a head cold.  So that's been... great.  But besides that, it's been pretty easy. (Thank you, Netflix for raising my older children during the past three weeks...) I've been trying to soak in as much of the newborn-cuddling as I can.  I remember how quickly that stage disappears.  He just turned 3 weeks old today, and he's already so much bigger!  At his two-week appointment he weighed 9lbs 5oz.  (My other two were 8 lb 3 oz at that appointment.) so he's definitely a chunk so far! We just love him to death.

So far having three kids is manageable, but is definitely the hardest and most challenging thing I've done as a mother yet.  The other two are definitely not liking the lack of attention (and yet at the same time LOVING the lack of attention since it means they can make more messes...) and it's hard to even attempt to stay on top of everything.  But I know that it will come back together one day at a time.  It's a good problem to have, really.

And lastly, just for the record, newborn babies are the best.  It is so funny how quickly you forget how MISERABLE pregnancy is and how PAINFUL those last 40 minutes pre-epidural were, and you think to yourself (not completely seriously) "When can I do this again?"  (But seriously, I will need a LONG break to figure out how to regain control over the three that I have...) But I think the reason for that is, that giving birth and bringing a new baby into the family is one of those rare moments in life when you're really living. It's one of those moments where life just grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you to wake you up from the humdrum of your day-to-day life and lets you experience joy in its purest form. And the word "joy" doesn't even do it justice. Falling in love, weddings, babies--these are the rare memories you'll never forget for the rest of your life.  They're priceless really.

Anyway, welcome to our family, Owen.  I'm sorry your older brothers get in your face ALL. DAY. LONG.  Thank you for being so patient.  Thank you for all the snuggles.  I'm so glad you're here!

June 10, 2013

Dearest Spencer,

Several months ago you turned 3.  When did you grow up so fast??  Anyway. You're a great three-year-old.  I wanted to specifically tell you about today.  Because I think it might mean something to you years down the road.  

Our family has had a really hard time the past 9 months.  Your baby brother is almost here, but it's taken a lot out of your poor mother, which means every one has suffered in some way or another.  And you, along with your brother, have been having a really hard time the past couple of months in your various areas of weakness.  I have tried not to feel too guilty because I know I'm doing the very best I can, which isn't really great right now--but nonetheless, I feel certain somehow eventually Heavenly Father will help me pull things back together and we'll come through it all unscathed, but sometimes it's just hard knowing that you need more than I have right now.  

Your bright little spirit has picked up on the anxious and impatient nature of mine right now.  And you've been acting out.  You finally triumphantly figured out how to talk (!!yay!!) but communicating with your mouth as opposed to your pudgy little hands when you are angry is still a huge struggle for you.  Your father and I have banged our heads against a wall trying everything we can think of to help you figure this out.  And nothing has worked.  Today was one of those days where I just felt useless as a parent because I just did.not.know what to do about it.  The tricks up my sleeve have all been exhausted (and for crying out loud, I have a bachelor's degree in this!) and something about the way I'm explaining/punishing/rewarding isn't speaking to your rambunctious little spirit.  And if your own mother can't communicate with you and help you understand, for goodness sakes, who can??

Well.  Heavenly Father.  That's who.  

I was reminded today for the 80 billionth time that you are His, not mine.  I'm not supposed to have all the answers.  Parenting is supposed to teach ME to rely on HIM.

I spent your naptime today reading articles online about how I could solve the problem.  I spent time on my knees, tears running down my face, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me know what to do, what to say, how to fix it.  And eventually the answer came: Amy, you can't.  But I can. Quit trying to do everything on your own, and let me take the wheel for once.

And so I asked your wonderful father to give you a blessing, after I told him all of my concerns and lacks of solution.  We waited until you had almost fallen asleep, and then we crept into your bedroom.  Your bright brown eyes were still open, but you were laying in your bed, calm.  Landon was asleep.  I scooped you up into my arms, and your father placed his hands on your head and began to speak to you.  And you, who cannot stay quiet to SAVE YOUR LIFE during a prayer in any setting, immediately settled down and listened.  I felt your anxious little body relax in my arms, as your father blessed you with beautiful words.  You kept blinking your eyes up at me, and smiling, like somehow you were understanding--like you were feeling peace and the love of your Heavenly Father, and that it felt good to your little (big) soul. You remained absolutely silent for the entire blessing and your very busy little body didn't even move an inch.

Your father left after that to go to the gym.  I laid with you in bed, enjoying the glowing spirit around you. You turned to look at me and said, "Momma.  I feel happy."  

You went on to explain to me all the rules and ideas that we talk about constantly ("Momma, Jesus wants us to be soft--Jesus wants us to make people happy, etc) which is really nothing new--except that you said it with new feeling and meaning.  I didn't even really ask you about those things specifically, and your father didn't really even mention those things specifically in the blessing, but somehow your little spirit translated that peaceful feeling to having something to do with Jesus--I know that it's because it's His love you felt.  You laid there, happy as a clam, and talked to me for about 30 minutes, stopping in between sentences to hug me and kiss me on the cheek for really no reason at all--except that you were just feeling happy.  

Now, do I think you will be perfect from now on?  Nope.  You're three.  And you need this phase to learn and grow.  But it was a powerful lesson to me on your ability to feel the Spirit and respond appropriately. It was also a lesson to me on our Heavenly Father's ability to communicate to our spirits.  Not just our brains, or even our hearts, but our spirits--in a way that a human can't--not even a mother.  Which is pretty much as close to super-human as it gets in my opinion.  And it's because you're His.  Your spirit belongs to Him.  And He understands you better than I ever will.  And He loves you.  

Please know that I'm not perfect.  I never will be.  I'll make mistakes and fall short as your mother sometimes.  Sometimes that will be my fault, other times it will just be because life is just plain stressful sometimes, and we just have to learn to deal with it. It's just hard being a parent--to meet everyone's needs in just the right way, even on days that you don't feel good. (You'll learn that firsthand someday. Trust me.)  But I want you to know that even if I fall short (which is often), He never will. Maintain a strong relationship with Him, and pray to Him often, and you'll be okay.  I'll try to do the same.  

I'm blessed beyond measure to have your bright little self in my life.  I'm glad I get to be your mom for forever.

Love,

 Mom

May 31, 2013

Highlights of our life these days:

• Tomorrow I will be able to say "This month I am having my baby!"  
• Tucker continues to be the best dog ever.  He got a haircut yesterday and he looks GREAT! 
• Landon turned 5 and "gratulated" preschool.
• Spencer is about 98% trustworthy on potty-training.  (Never thought I'd be able to say THAT.)
• BK is really liking his new job.  
• I have successfully finished all sewing projects for Baby #3!

And just to keep it real... here's some...other things going on in our life right now:

• Spencer has conveniently forgotten how to go to bed at night.  This involves BK and/or I holding the door closed to keep him from wandering around--which means we get to do NOTHING fun in the evenings.  We've tried everything--sticker charts, bribery, taking things away--he has just plain forgot that when it's time for bed, ITS TIME FOR BED.  I hope he remembers soon.
• Landon has been out of preschool for one week, and he is BORED.  Luckily swim lessons start soon...
• I'm tired.  So very tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, just everything.  I can't think of another time in my almost-29-year life that I have ever felt so exhausted.  I suppose this is what pregnancy and two children at home feels like--but I am really looking forward to getting through the next 3-4 weeks (but somehow at the same time enjoy these last 3-4 weeks with just the boys) and be able to sleep on my stomach again.  I commend all of you who can make it through pregnancy gracefully.  I am NOT one of those people.  I love having babies, but GOODNESS GRACIOUS sometimes pregnancy is HARD.  I'm of course grateful that I'm even able to GET pregnant because I love babies (I would take staying up with a newborn all night to being pregnant ANY day)--but I just feel like I'm crawling across the finish line here!!  haha! 
• We badly needed to get the brakes fixed on BK's car.  It cost us $550.  YIKES.
• My house will not stay clean.  I wake up every morning wishing it would clean itself, but so far that hasn't happened. Maybe tomorrow?

Anywho, that's our life these days--the good, the bad, the ugly.  Mostly, I'm just excited to finally meet our third baby boy and see what he looks like and who he looks like, and then just hold him and smell the top of his soft little head.  Because then, who cares what my house looks like?!

May 8, 2013

Lately I've felt like more of a referee than an actual parent.  With Spencer's newfound language capabilities, Landon has had to learn to respect him as an actual person with real opinions and ideas, and this leads to.... conflict in the playroom.

More than once the past week, I wondered if I had made a mistake in thinking that kids this close together would be a blessing to them.  I thought for sure they would just be best friends forever and super close always, and that would make it worth the extra energy involved with so many little ones running around.  I wondered if they would ever truly get along and adore each other the way that they did for the first couple of years of Spencer's life.  Maybe brothers just fight a lot, I told myself.

And actually as the week went on, I realized it was just a phase.  Their relationship had an adjustment and then it started to correct itself.  We tightened down on both of them about certain unbecoming behaviors, and I could tell that maybe their relationship wasn't permanently ruined after all.  (Don't you love how pregnancy just over-exaggerates everything?!)

But there was one moment in particular this week that I did not want to forget.  Spence and I drop Landon off at preschool every day that he goes (Tues/Thur).  I usually try not to make too big of a goodbye scene--Landon's not that sort of little guy.  So I usually casually tell him goodbye and tell Spence to tell him goodbye, and usually Landon's already engaged with whatever activity awaits him at his desk, and Spencer is more worried about commenting angrily about how it's not fair that Landon's school has a play kitchen in it that he doesn't get to play with.

On Tuesday, I reminded myself to let Spencer walk instead of carrying him (gotta get used to not being the baby, Spence.  You're three.  Also, my back hurts.  You're heavy.) even though I knew it would mean he would fight me on holding my hand in the parking lot and over who got to hold the sign-in pen.  We chatted with a friend for a minute, and Landon decided to just run ahead to class.  I followed a minute later to wish him well, even though I knew he was probably too preoccupied to notice, but ya never know, I told myself.  We walked into his classroom, and I told him to have a great day.  I told Spencer to tell Landon goodbye, which he did quietly, but I don't think Landon heard him.  We turned around and walked out, and got halfway down the hall when I heard a familiar little sing-song voice call out "Spencer!  Wait!  Come back!"  Landon had run out into the hallway his arms outstretched, wanting Spencer to come give him a hug.

A huge smile broke out on Spencer's little squirrel-face, and he clumsily ran up to Landon with his small little arms reaching out as far as they could.  They hugged each other as tightly as they could and then Landon waved at me and ran back into his classroom.  Spencer walked away just beaming, like he felt like he was just so lucky that he surely had the best brother in the whole world.  (Which he totally does.)

I then mopped my heart up that had melted onto the floor, and walked with Spencer back out into the parking lot.  I was so grateful for that little moment.  It reminded me that deep down, playroom arguments aside, my children really do love each other.  They miss each other when they're apart, and they think the world of each other when it really comes down to it.  While I know I certainly can't take credit for most of that, it does make me feel good as a parent when these types of moments happen.

It just makes all the rest of it worth it, ya know?

April 16, 2013

Yesterday, as I was preparing dinner, I started thinking about some of the parts of my children's personalities that I just don't understand and what I could be doing to solve some of the situations that arise because of them.  Just as my mind started to form some sort of complete thought, it vanished, as Spencer walked into the kitchen demanding to help me make dinner.  I resolved to continue my train of thought later.

He pulled up a chair and chatted with me while I put some things in the oven.  BK got home shortly after that, and we set the table.  The missionaries were going to be joining us for dinner, and so we ate at the bigger table in the dining room and tried to make things look presentable for our company.

They arrived promptly at 5:30, and we sat down and enjoyed a meal together.  Eventually it was time for them to share a scripture with us and then get back to their work.  One of them opened his scriptures and said he felt really prompted to share a specific scripture with us.  As he started reading, I immediately started tearing up, as I realized this scripture was a continuation of the thought process I was having earlier.  And as he shared his thoughts on the scripture afterward, I realized he was unknowingly giving me the answer to the questions I had asked in my mind before being interrupted by my little helper.

This 19 year old kid knows nothing about my children or what they need.  I'm sure he also doesn't really know anything about being a parent yet--let alone a mother--but in his words, I was able to find resolution to something that had been on my mind.  I was so thankful that he was so in tune with the Spirit because it helped me to realize that I wasn't alone in my thoughts.  The Lord was listening to my concerns and wanted to help me find some answers.

Today after dropping Landon off, we went on a little walk through the neighborhood.  We attempted to teach Tucker to walk on a leash, which actually went better than I thought... and then Spencer attempted to remove each and every rock from an empty lot and pack it in our stroller.  I somehow convinced him to leave the rocks behind when it was time to go home (phew). It felt good to get out in the sunshine, despite my disgusting cough and Spencer's runny nose (thanks, ALLERGIES.) and the fact that I was winded as soon as we got to the end of our street (thanks, PREGNANCY. May I never be this overweight in my life ever without pregnancy as an excuse.).

And now to get Spencer to take a nap... :)

April 15, 2013

So we got a dog!

One day I just sort of woke up and decided the boys needed a dog.  After looking at a couple of ads online and driving with the boys all over the state of Texas that day to look at various dogs, we found our perfect little mini-schnauzer Tucker.  He is the best dog ever, and we just love him to death! BK has never had a dog before, and he's even loving it, too! I've totally become that annoying dog-person that I always made fun of others for being.  But oh well.  I needed a simple little creature full of unconditional love and the inability to argue with me--and so I completely understand now why people are in love with dogs.  I'm sure it will be crazy with 3 boys and a dog, but the dog is the least of my problems.  He's the easiest one of the bunch!

In other news, BK switched jobs! It was totally unexpected, but a former boss that he had done part-time PT work for called him out of the blue with an amazing job offer, and so he took it!  He has been sad to leave all of his co-worker friends at his previous job, but we're loving the more flexible hours, and the huge pay increase for sure! Several weeks ago I sat down to look at some things with our finances with some new goals BK and I had felt really strongly about implementing, and I admittedly was sort of stumped as to how to make it all work.  And the next day he got the call about the new job.  The Lord has always taken care of us, and He continues to, as long as we're doing our part for sure.

Another unexpected thing came up around the same time.  I've been taking a look at the things I "need" for Baby #3, and I wondered with our new goals how I would find some extra money to justify doing some fun projects and getting some new things without putting us behind in other areas.  Sort of out of the blue, a temporary babysitting job fell into my lap.  It's been nice to earn some extra money to save up to spend on fun baby projects! And we've enjoyed watching this baby girl, too.  It's been good practice for figuring out how to manage the two boys plus a newborn (and a dog).  It turns out it's not impossible, so that's good to know for sure!

This week Spencer has turned into the least trustworthy child on the planet I'm convinced.  I cannot turn around for two seconds without some HUGE mess or problem presenting itself because of him.  BK and I have both just been beating our heads against a wall trying to figure out what in the world to do about him sometimes.  I suppose that's just life with a super spunky almost-three year old boy though! Well... that and being pregnant in the middle of it all.  The past few months I just feel like we've floated from one problem or disaster to another with not much breathing room in between.  But when I take a step back to look at the situation more clearly, I realize this is just life, and that usually it just doesn't seem so overwhelming because I'm usually not pregnant.  Kids will always get sick, they will always make messes, they will always be disobedient, they will always test boundaries and limits of patience... (and they also do a lot of great things, too, of course!)... it just seems like a much bigger deal when you're tired and uncomfortable and not feeling 100%! This too shall pass, and then I'm sure I'll be wishing the worst I was dealing with was the potty messes of today when they're teenagers tomorrow, and we're having to deal with real issues.

Overall, my life is really, really great, and I have a billion things to be grateful for. I keep waiting for a day to happen where things just run smoothly and peacefully, and I finally realized that I need to do better at creating those situations rather than waiting for life to ever "settle down."  I decided that one way I could do better at that is to re-dedicate myself to reading my scriptures every single day.  I decided that surely by showing the Lord that He comes absolutely first in my life, that He'll be able to bless me with the things that I need, and the things that my family needs. He should come before the cleaning needs of my house for sure, and the minor needs of my children and husband.  So I've made a new rule for myself that once I sit down to read my scriptures (and I try to choose the calmest time I can, but sometimes I just have to make do with what the day holds) that unless one of my children is in physical danger, I will not stop--no matter if they're arguing or dumping out every single bin in the playroom or bothering the dog.  Because before it seemed like whenever I would sit down to read, something would come up and I would get frustrated after 12 seconds of trying to mother my children and read my scriptures at the same time and give up.  And even when I hear a huge mess brewing upstairs, I just remind myself that it really doesn't matter, but that putting the Lord first and finding peace in choosing the right for 10 minutes or so DOES matter.  At the end of the day, I've started reminding myself that even if I get discouraged thinking of the 50 things on my "list" that didn't get accomplished because of the chaos of the day, that if I can go to bed thinking "at least I had 10 peaceful minutes to read my scriptures and ponder something besides the most efficient way to encourage my children to clean up the playroom, then I HAVE accomplished something HUGE.  Because it's the most important thing.  And everything else will work out or be put in perspective after that.

Like I mentioned, life is good--just a little bit of a downer weekend for us, and I think it's important to record those moments, too, sometimes, to read later and then appreciate life's progression or personal growth!

Here's to Monday getting better! :)

March 6, 2013

Pictures from a family trip to the park about a month ago!

Good heavens.

I don't know what it is about pregnancy and me and just living in a timeless blur for months without realizing it.  But anyway, we're still alive!

This pregnancy has actually been comparatively easy--no throwing up mainly.  But I have never felt so tired in my entire life as I have the past 4 months or so.  I suppose I've also never experienced having two boys at home while being pregnant, and I tell you what, those two take everything I've got, plus some! 

The past few days have been a bit better.  I've tried to be on more of a routine and planned more fun things for us to do, so we don't sit around all day being grumpy and ridiculous with each other.  But if I learned anything from being pregnant the second time it was that it's okay--life falls apart, but then you pick it back up at some point when your newborn starts sleeping through the night, and everyone moves on unharmed.  I'm just such a control-freak though, that's it's just so hard for me to let my house fall apart and watch my kids watch TV for hours because I just don't have the energy to break up the arguing and clean up the messes and so on and so forth.  But it's okay.  We'll figure it out.  

We've been doing the potty-training thing with Spencer the past couple weeks--(that's probably why every thing else just fell apart... potty-training does that.  Good grief.)--and it was funny to see just how much my two boys differ in their motivations.  Right now Landon is so achievement-oriented.  Give that kid a sticker chart--and he will earn tickets and coins and prizes all day long.  Spencer... just wants candy. That's it.  Which is actually sort of less complicated, and I completely understand his love for candy.  But it's just ironic how you think you have parenting figured out and then the second one comes along and you realize that 75% of the tricks you have up your sleeve don't actually work after all.  

Spencer is just a little bouncing ball of energy.  That kid never walks anywhere.  He's always bouncing, always dancing, always hopping, always galloping, always trotting, always running--going as fast as his skinny little legs will carry him.  He has such a carefree little spirit.  He doesn't really take anything seriously--but in a good way.  He makes us laugh every single day.  He's talking a ton more than he was--so much so that he graduated speech therapy!  It's been such a blessing in my life to watch his little timid and hesitant and clingy personality blossom into the happy-go-lucky little boy.  Despite his slow start to talking, he's a brilliant little boy.  He learns things very quickly--already knows all of his letters and how to count to ten.  He's a little sponge--just listening and taking everything in.  He is also the loudest two year old ever.  And he gives the best hugs.  Especially after he gets in trouble.

Landon is growing up faster than I can keep up with.  I'm really not sure when he all of the sudden started becoming this little boy, instead of my chubby 3 year old.  But he is very interested in being grown-up and mature and big and old.  He loves using big words and wants to do and say everything perfectly.  And he gets quite frustrated when he doesn't or can't.  He has such a tender little heart and feels things very deeply.  He internalizes and thinks about everything around him.  He's very thoughtful toward others, and I have appreciated him deeply the past few months for putting up with me being so lame.  He comes and gives me snuggles in bed when I'm not feeling like getting up, and he scratches my back and tells me he loves me.  He is highly opinionated--and defends his position to the death, even when he's blatantly wrong.  He loves to be goofy with his little friends.  He's obsessed with Star Wars, even though he's never seen the movie.  He builds "lego starships" with the legos Sara and Ian gave him for Christmas ALL DAY LONG.  We've started working on reading, and it's no surprise to me how quickly he's picking it up.  I can't wait to watch him be challenged in real school next year.  He's completely ready, and looks forward to it every day.  I have mixed emotions about it.  I think it will be so good for him, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do without my helper all day long.  Landon tells me that Spencer can be my helper.  I'm doubtful, but we'll make do.

Baby #3 is growing and growing! We found out last month that it will be a third boy joining our family.  I ended up having to go to that appointment by myself that day.  Both of the boys were up all night throwing up, and so I couldn't take them to school/playdates.  BK had already taken the morning off to come to the appointment with me, but ended up having to stay home with the sickies while I went by myself.  On the way to the appointment, I had a strong feeling that this was going to be a boy, and that even if I was hoping for a girl, that he would bless my life in many, many ways, and so it was no surprise half an hour later to find out it was indeed a boy.  The older boys are ecstatic to have another "brudder" to add to the puppy pack.  I am hoping that somehow the Lord blesses me with more patience and a magical cleaning fairy to keep up with three boys--but I'm also extremely excited.  I've been having a blast picking out things for the nursery.  I've never gotten to decorate a nursery really because we've always lived in apartments before--so it's been a fun and new thing to do.  I'm also going to attempt to sew all the crib bedding, and hopefully that goes well!

BK also has some new things in the works as far as his job, but I'll wait till it's all official until I talk more about that! (No, it doesn't involve a move, don't worry, Waco....)

Overall, life is good.  It's busy and hard and crazy, but at the end of the day, it's good, and it's everything I always wanted.