Speaking of Landon, I want to write a letter to him because I've been thinking about him tonight.
Landon,
My dear little boy--I cannot believe it is November already. You've already been in school for several months. And I still don't feel like I've fully made that transition in the way that I had intended to. In my defense, it was hard to have a baby right before this. Owen is a great baby, but he is still a baby... and so I'm just tired--so very tired. I'm not as young as I was when I had you, and I feel like each time it takes me a little bit longer to jump back on the horse and do everything that I need to in order to make our family run smoothly. I feel like I'm almost there--I've been making dinner more regularly and keeping the house clean and I've never been late to pick you up from school--despite Spencer being three and disagreeable. But I know I'm not quite there yet.
Many times in the morning, I'm still in bed while you're getting ready for school. Because I'm just so tired and my back hurts and your dad is really nice and told me he can take care of it. You're still really excited to go to school and so you get up on your own and get dressed, but lately I can tell you're just a little bit overwhelmed with the whole getting ready for school routine and making it there on time. And lately I've been thinking about how this needs to be the next thing that I tackle in life--getting up with you and helping you, even if it just means sitting on the couch to nurse the baby instead of laying in bed nursing the baby. I know that I need to be more present in your life, even if you're the easiest one right now. You still need me. And even though your dad does a great job in the morning, he's still not a mom. He's juggling a lot of details with his job and so he forgets when it's library day or to pack a snack and a lunch. Those are supposed to be my jobs, I know. And I intend to make them my job again. I can always jump back in bed after you leave and turn on an episode of Callou (I'm so sick of that show) for Spence and get some rest if I need to.
Because I get a lot of time with Spencer and Owen right now--but not with you. But I do want you to know how much I've enjoyed being in Primary with you on Sundays the past year. I hope that somehow the things that I've taught in sharing time have burrowed their way into your heart--because of all of the children, you're the one whose learning I care about the most, if I'm being honest. I've enjoyed the extra time with you. In January, heaven help us, Spencer will be joining us in the sunbeam class, and...yeah... we'll see how that goes...
Anyway, as I was thinking about what I need to do better as your mom this evening, I got a little frustrated with myself. I wished that I could've been there for you more the past couple of months. I had always envisioned that once you were in kindergarten I would get up every morning before you woke up and make you breakfast every day. And so far, it's been you waking me up. And I'm just really sorry. It's hard being the oldest one--trust me, I know. Your little brothers take up a lot of my patience and energy because they are still so little, and I know that it's unfair to you. But please know now, and in the future, that I'm trying my best. I love you with all of my heart, and I know you deserve the best mom in the universe. I'm definitely not her, but I try every day to be a little bit better than I was the day before. I may never make a habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to fry eggs and make waffles, but I hope you know that I love you and that I'm trying to be the best I know how.
After feeling a little bit discouraged, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing. I hadn't read it in probably 3 or 4 years, I'm embarrassed to say--and it was a really neat experience. It's funny how it can be so fitting to read it when you're 16, but then you read it at age 29 and it fits even more perfectly. It's neat to read it as an actual mother and not just a potential mother--and to know how the counsel will help me to help you personally. It helped to give me some "big picture" perspective and what I needed to focus on and change about myself. It says such wonderful things about my children, and for many years I just had to imagine who they would be--but now I know, and it makes it even more special. (And you're even better than I had imagined, by the way.) I hope someday I get to the place that I want to be in life, and that you'll be patient with me as I get there. As the oldest, you'll see me change the most as a mom--I'm a lot younger with you at any given stage than I am with your brothers--which is a good and a bad thing. But I know that you were first for a reason, and that you'll excel in life despite my shortcomings (because the Lord just makes up the difference that way), and I just get to be along for the ride!
My heart just bursts with love every time I think about how wonderful of a person you are. You are so kind and so thoughtful, to me especially. You made me a mother, and I will be forever grateful for that. I see so much of myself in you, but it's like you're a much better version of me (probably because your dad is mixed in there somewhere to mellow you out a bit). I hope we continue to understand each other the way that we do because it is such a blessing to me in my life. And I hope that these sincere feelings that I have can work their way into the way I act on a daily basis. Because you are so much more to me than just a problem to be solved, a mess to be cleaned, a blue folder to get into your backpack, or a mouth to feed. And I want you to know that, not just because I said it in this lovely letter, but because I show you in my actions and the way I speak every day of your life.
Thank you for your patience and for just being you. You add so much to our family, and your brothers are lucky to have you!
Love,
Mom
Beautiful, and inspiring.
ReplyDelete