December 13, 2012

Dearest third baby of mine,

Here you are at 12 weeks:

I could've sat there in the doctor's office watching you flip around and wave your arms and suck on your fingers all day.  But Spencer's sucker I gave him would only last so long, and the ultrasound technician kept giving me dirty looks because Spencer kept looking at/touching expensive equipment (notetoself: he will NEVER come to another appt of mine AGAIN.  Anyway, back to you.)

I was worried about you before this appointment.  This pregnancy has felt so different to me, and so I wondered if you were okay--if you even still existed.  But the second your tiny little body flashed up on the screen, and I saw you moving around doing somersaults, I felt peace again that everything was okay.

It was like magic--watching you move around on the television, but being absolutely unable to feel any of it.  And the rest of the day I've just been thinking about how you're probably flipping around doing all sorts of secret things, and I have no idea.  That won't last for long of course. 

I watched your tiny little heart beating and pumping.  And then the technician turned on the sound--I didn't know I was far enough along to be able to actually hear it--but there it was--the magical whoosh-whoosh sound of a tiny little baby heartbeat.  169 bpm.

I went out with some friends tonight, and I drove back through the new road in the back of our subdivison--where they haven't put in streetlights in yet, and so it's really, really dark.  I looked up at just the right moment to see a shooting star fall from the sky.  It just seemed like the perfect ending for a perfect day. (Today wasn't really perfect--just to be clear.  Your older brothers have about driven me mad--and my house is trashed--and we ate Walmart pizza for dinner. But everything about you today really WAS perfect! Except that Spencer was at the doctor's office because of a slight miscommunication between your father and me about his availability to be at the aforementioned appointment... anyway.)

Anyway, thank you for being so wonderful and bringing so much joy to my life already, even though we haven't met yet.  I'm so looking forward to it.  6ish more months! :)

Love,
Mom

December 11, 2012

I of course meant to write about this weeks ago before I forgot all the details, but better late than never!

Back in October I had some blood tests done that confirmed the fertility medication that I was on was working.  It didn't mean it was pregnant, but it meant I was on the right track.

Several days before the day I had chosen to take a pregnancy test, I got in my usual funk.  I just wanted to hurry up and take the test and get the negative test, and then mope around and then get over it.  I didn't want to prolong that for several more days.  Maybe it would even be positive a few days later, but at least I would have already prepared myself for the worst.

I was in the middle of sewing Halloween costumes and could distract myself no longer.  BK was on a phonecall or something, and I slipped away to take the test.  I said a prayer that when it was negative that I would get over it quickly.

Only a few seconds later I found myself staring in disbelief at this:

I think I was too shocked to even cry or shout for joy.  I was literally dumbfounded.  This was the third time in my entire life I had ever gotten a positive pregnancy test.  

I wanted to wait to tell BK in some cute way.  But I am horrible at keeping secrets.  My sisters were the first to find out--via a txt message with the picture.  I told a couple of other friends, mainly to get ideas about how to surprise BK.  Finally, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to keep such a happy thing from him.  I wrote a little note that said "Baby P #3 June 2013" and wrapped the test in it and stuck it under his pillow.  He finally came to bed and found it.  He was, of course, thrilled.

I spent the next couple of days in a wonderful, happy fog.  Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me.  He had heard my prayers.  He had a plan for me.  He always had, and I should've had more faith.  But isn't that always the case?

Several weeks later found me, BK, and Spencer in a doctor's office getting an ultrasound.  There on the screen was one tiny bean with a beating heart.  Such a miracle.  Even though this is the third time, it doesn't ever take away from that miraculous moment.  

I have felt more tired this pregnancy than either of the two before, but I haven't thrown up once! That almost makes me nervous that maybe something is wrong, but I'll have another ultrasound on Thursday that will hopefully lay my paranoia to rest.  I have plenty of other ridiculous pregnancy symptoms keeping me company, I should just be grateful that vomiting all day long like the last two isn't on that list, I suppose!

Anyway, even a couple of months later, this all still feels like a dream to me.  It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that in about 6 1/2 months, I'll have a warm, snuggly, helpless, divinely-smelling newborn to hold.  I'm just so, so grateful I get to do it all again.  

November 11, 2012

Dearest Landon Keith,

Since you came into the world four-and-half years ago, you have made many life-long dreams of mine come true.  As cheesy as that sounds, I'm not going to apologize for it because it's absolutely true.

I wanted to tell you quickly about another one today.

For many years, even before I married your lovely father, I thoroughly enjoyed the yearly primary program at church.  I especially loved watching the sunbeam boys feign reverence for an hour and a half.  I always wished that someday I would be lucky enough to have a sunbeam boy in the primary program.  There were years I wondered if I ever would.

But today, as I sat in the audience and watched you there, sitting with your sunbeam class in the program, I teared up remembering how many of these I had seen without you in them.  And I was so proud of you.  You  looked like such a little stud! So reverent, and you even knew all the words to the songs!

In all of my sunbeam-boy-coveting in the past, I never could have dreamed of how perfect my little four year old boy would be.  You're everything I've ever wanted in a son and more.  You're such a good big brother to Spencer. ("MOM. Don't let him play with the fly swatter!! It has DISEASES on it!!")  You look out for your dad.  ("But, Mom, shouldn't we save some of this candy for Dad so HE can have some when he gets home from work?")  You take such good care of me when I'm not feeling well. ("Mom, do you need to lay down and take a rest and read your favorite book? I'll come snuggle with you and watch a show in your bed and take care of you.")

Anyway, just wanted you to know that today I was thinking of you and what a wonderful blessing you are in my life.  Thank you for being such a wonderful little sunbeam in the primary program today.  It was an answer to many prayers long ago--as is your presence in our family, in general.

I'm so glad I get to be your mom.

Love,
Mom

October 31, 2012

These two have kept me quite busy lately!

As you can see, we're potty-training Spence, and actually it's going MUCH better than I had anticipated.  So that was a lovely surprise in my life for sure.

Landon and Spencer have been playing together this morning.  Playing and fighting together.  It's exhausting to me to try to teach them how to get along with each other sometimes.  When do I step in? When do I just let them hash it out?  When do I stick up for Spencer? When do I stick up for Landon?  GOOD GRIEF CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

At one point, after their 304934th argument over a yellow truck, I packed them both up and stuck them in their room.  I needed a time-out. It really was Landon's fault, but in this situation, I didn't want to single him out. I know how frustrating younger siblings can be, so I do feel bad for him sometimes, even when he snaps at Spencer.

Anyway, after the crying, weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth subsided, I talked to Landon about it, and had them apologize to each other.  They snuggled right up together on Spencer's bed and just loved on each other and smiled and giggled.  That last appoxiamtely 0.0028 seconds and then they started wrestling, but nonetheless, I was reassured that they do still love each other.

Earlier this morning, the smallest rat invaded my pantry and found some leftover cookies.  He snuck them and two drinks upstairs, and when I finally caught wind of what was afoot, I found them having a lovely cookie and juice picnic together.  Landon said, "MOM! Spencer brought me a cookie and some juice! He is being SO GREAT!!"  It was hard to be mad at either of them for it, since I actually was super-impressed that Spencer had thought to share the contraband in the first place.

I was thinking about it today though, and I realized that all these little brother tiffs are important.  It's important that they learn how to communicate and get along with each other over "dumb" yellow trucks, so that when bigger issues arise in life or even their adult lives, they'll already have the foundation of forgiveness and mutual respect.  I hope they always love each other and try their best to get along.  It really does melt my heart when they do.  They are such a blessing to each other and to me, and I don't even remember what my life was without them.

October 26, 2012

I checked to see what pictures I had to post from the past few days, and the only two I had were of food.  Oops. Anyway, BK went to Walmart after scouts the other night to pick up some toothpaste, and he also decided to buy me a card and some dots.  But then I kept giving him all the yellow and green ones, and he wasn't too happy about that, but anyway, it was a nice surprise!

I found this lovely flavor of Blue Bell ice cream the other day, and MAN.  It is SO GOOD.

Yesterday was a fairly peaceful day.  I did the finished touches on the boys' Halloween costumes.  We picked Landon up from preschool.  We came home, and Spence went down for a nap.  Landon went outside to play, and I put on a show for me to watch in the living room.

I found that after a few minutes, I was actually watching Landon out the window than I was the show, so I paused it to watch him for a minute.  He was playing with the basketball hoop and chatting with himself.  And all of the sudden it hit me (for 50 millionth time I'm sure) that someday he is going to grow up and LEAVE me.  A few tears escaped my eyes, I must admit.  My life is so much about him and his younger version, that I just know a time will come when I will look outside my living room window and wish that there was still a chubby-cheeked 4-year-old boy playing outside and chatting with himself.  

It's so cliche, but he seriously was just a newborn baby yesterday, I promise.  The other day Landon was looking through some of my blog books, and he was enamored with looking at baby pictures of himself.  He showed one to me, and it had probably been several months since I had laid my eyes on a newborn Landon picture. 

My heart skipped a beat, and I thought "There's my Landon. This little mewing, cuddly baby.  Who is this grown-up boy looking at his picture??  When did this happen??"

I had a lovely chat with Melanie last night on our way home from our volleyball game.  We were talking about enjoying babies while they're babies.  While I'm excited to someday move past this stage and have my youngest child be Landon's age and take on a new set of stress and problems--I'm also excited to be in the stage that I'm in.  I'm not done yet.  I'll still hopefully get to snuggle another baby or two and watch the whole process start over again. 

Because it just goes way too fast.

As much as I want to encourage my children to find independence and the value of hard work, I still have a very soft and tender place for my little, tiny babies.  The ones that grew inside of me.  The ones I rocked and nursed during the wee hours of the morning.  The ones I smothered with good-smelling lotions and dressed in soft, footed pajamas.  They're so simple and lovely.  And I'll always love babies for that.

But someday those babies grow up, and they learn how to dress themselves and talk and walk and they become so talented and independent.... and they move away.  

I hope I never ever forget all the little details of my babies.

October 19, 2012

Today, so far:

BK and I were both up pretty late last night with stuffy/runny noses.  So we watched The Voice and then attempted to breathe/sleep. Spence decided to wake up at 5:45am, so I'm dragging a bit today, but so far, it's been a good day, nonetheless.  Potty-training successes, children playing together upstairs without the TV on, a good salad for lunch, and plans for going to a volleyball game later and then hosting company for the weekend.  Dan and his new fiancee Dawn are coming for a night.  We're excited to see them.

I had more to say, however Landon is having a particularly sensitive/crying day (he has really been struggling lately with being frustrated ALL the TIME) and he is now crying outside about his remote control car "not working" for the seventh time today.  

Like I said, it's been overall a good day, but good heavens, sometimes children can be frustrating when they're tired/frustrated when I'm tired.

Better go fix the dumb car for the eighth time...

October 18, 2012

This week several important events have occured so far.

First, we found Evie's missing hat.  But now Spencer doesn't want to give it back.  Good thing she's in Arizona.

I started our food storage. Mainly just because I was tired of the 34038 jars of apple pie filling taking up my whole pantry... but I suppose there's other good reasons to have it, too.

Spencer realized he loves my button collection more than anything else in the world.

He makes a ginormous mess with them.

But he loves them.

On account of Landon being bored and moping and whining around the house, I decided to pull out some of my old teacher supplies and start teaching him how to read.  Not surprisingly, he sort of already knows how to sound out words--but he had a fun time learning and writing "at" words.  We're going to move on to a different "word chunk" tomorrow. I'm glad he likes learning as much as he does.  It has and will make school such an easy transition for him when he's already confident about his abilities.  

Let's see... what else...

Oh yeah, I started some more diligent potty-training with Spence.  I forgot how annoying it is.  But changing diapers is also annoying--well, it's actually pretty convenient, but it IS expensive.  And I just keep thinking that I'll love myself for doing this when I finally do get pregnant and become sick for 5 months, and not have to change diapers.  Right??

I got my blood test results and the medication is regulating my hormones the way it is supposed to, and so there will be no need to double the dosage should we need another round of meds.  This was a huge answer to my prayers.  It would be an even bigger answer for me to not have to HAVE another round of meds and to just jump straight into morning sickness instead... but we still have some time before we find that out.  Trying to stay positive about it. :)

October 15, 2012

BK has finally returned.  *breathes sigh of relief*

Yesterday, our Sunday afternoon was pretty peaceful.  Spencer napped.  Landon and I worked on a little service project I decided to involve him in.  We walked to Mel's house to get a bandaid for my ridiculous toe that WILL NOT HEAL.  We came home and sat out on the back porch and soaked up the amazing weather.  I bathed the boys (finally) and put them to bed.  Mel offered to come watch the boys so I didn't have to wake them up to go get BK--huge relief! I made it to the airport and back to get him without incident, and life is back to normal.

I was thinking today about a couple of people I don't want to forget in my life, and so I felt the need to record it while I was thinking about it.  We had the amazing opportunity to meet so many wonderful people while we lived in Midland during BK's PT school.  Today I'll just tell you about two of them.

Our first bishop while we lived there was such a friendly guy.  He and his wife invited our little family (me+BK+4 month old Landon) over for dinner immediately after we moved in.  (New people were quite a novelty in this congregation!) He always had a smile on his face, and just made you feel happy when you were around him.  His wife was apparently super-great at making bread, and so every week or so when she did, he asked her to bake a couple of extra loaves for him to deliver to people who had been on his mind.  We received this blessed, warm-out-of-the-oven bread a couple of times during our 2 year stint in Midland, and it always came at a time when we really needed it.  Not physically, but spiritually--just to know someone was thinking about us.  I'll never forget that.

There was another man, who was in that bishopric who was legendary for "small" acts of service like this.  While he was never assigned as a home teacher or anything to our little family, we would randomly come home to find a dozen donuts on our doorstep--because it was BK's birthday, or just because.  He didn't leave his name on the donuts or anything, but somehow everyone in the ward knew that when you received a dozen donuts on your doorstep, it was from him.  His wife had recently had huge health troubles, and life wasn't easy for them, but he didn't let that stop him from being such a Christlike example to so many.  One time in particular, I was terribly sick while I was pregnant with Spencer.  BK had to cook dinner every night because I couldn't stand up without throwing up.  We were getting incredibly tired of frozen meals and everything else on BK's list of "things he could cook."  But we figured there were so many more people worse off than us, and so we didn't ask for help.

Unannounced, this brother showed up at our doorstep with dinner.  And not just a frozen Sam's casserole.  It was dinner. A huge container of fried chicken.  A huge container of corn on the cob. A salad.  An entire watermelon.  And dessert.  My husband had never looked so grateful for a real meal.  The leftovers lasted us several days--giving us a lovely break from frozen stir-fry.  He didn't know of our struggle at the time, but he must've followed a prompting, and I'll never forget his kindness.

When the Lord answers our prayers, it is usually through other people.  I want to be on the giving end of more of these experiences, as I have been blessed greatly in my life with those giving it to me.

October 14, 2012

There really should be a law against husbands going out of town for more than 24 hours.  I'm on day 4 of single-parenting, and it really bites.  Nothing really horrible has happened, and in fact, we've gotten a lot done, but my boys are just always "off" when BK is gone.  And I suppose I am, too.  Sometimes I feel like I just don't have enough patience to be both parents for very long.  

And of course, whenever BK goes out of town, they always wake up at like 6am every morning.  Needless to say, I've been taking a lot of naps to try to catch up.  Oh well. 

Today was stake conference at church.  I almost didn't go because a two hour meeting in the chapel with both kids and no husband seemed equated with torture to me, but I did it.  I can't say I heard much of the talks, but the boys were actually pretty well-behaved, and it reminded me that I can do hard things, even when I feel anxious about it.  

Even though I can't recall what many of the talks were about, I did leave with a resolve to try to be a better person.  While trying to maintain reverence in the trenches, I pondered about specific things I could do to be a better version of myself--the "me" I'm desperately trying to become but fall so short of in so many ways.

On Saturday morning I woke up and noticed my house was a complete DISASTER.  Piles of dirty dishes, boys' dirty laundry EVERYWHERE, the lawn needed mowing, out of milk and bread and cheese, when was the last time the children actually had a bath? (See, this is what I mean.  BK should NEVER be allowed to leave me again.  haha!)  I hid under my pillow for a few moments hoping that maybe when I resurfaced, it would magically clean and organize itself.  

While I hid under my pillow, my boys started dumping out bins in the playroom, so I resurfaced quickly to find an even bigger mess. 

I got them breakfast and looked around at my dirty kitchen floor, fingerprints all over my kitchen appliances, toys all over the backyard, toys/clothes/shoes/balloons(?!) all over the living room.  It felt completely overwhelming.  How did it get like this?  It seemed like I had just cleaned it!!

I decided to just start with something small.  The dishes.  I sent the boys outside with a pile of pumpkin cookies and locked the door behind them.  I loaded the dishwasher and started cleaning the baked-on grime off the stovetop.  I moved to the countertops, and then to the floors.  It was actually a noticeable difference. And I found more energy to keep going.

A couple hours later (don't worry I had let the boys in at this point, gotten them lunch, put Spence down for a nap, and employed Landon with a few chores) we had a clean house, a mowed front lawn, and a grocery list made and bought.

Anyway, I was thinking about that experience today at church.  I feel like overall, I'm a pretty good person, but lately I've just been having a really tough time with things, and it's really starting to show.  I'm noticing more of my weaknesses and less of my strengths.  When I think about how many small things I need to improve on, much like my mess of a house, it seems overwhelming.

But the Lord brought that experience that I had yesterday to my mind today, and the words I heard were these: Amy, when you just jump in there and start cleaning things up and organizing things, you'll find the motivation to do more.  Small and simple things really DO make big differences.  Just start with one thing, and I'll help you know where to go next.

And so that's what I resolved to do.  Just a few small and simple changes that I hope will give me some confidence and encouragement to move onto bigger things: the "front lawn", or maybe even the "pile of dirty laundry."  But, again, one step at a time. ;)

So like I said, I don't recall that anybody actually gave a talk on this subject today at church, but I know that because I was obedient and braved stake conference solo today, it put me in the right place to receive some answers that I needed.  

And now, it is time for a well-needed-and-deserved Sunday nap. ;)

(Landon and Spencer and some train buddies over for a playdate the other day)

October 10, 2012

Landon has a couple of friends over right now, so I have a moment to record some thoughts about the past couple of days, while they discuss guns, cars, and grandmothers. I love four-year-old boys.  Spencer is outside in a onesie in flipflops playing happily with the toys in the backyard.  I love two-year-old boys, too.

Monday night for Family Home Evening we had a lesson about how faith is like a seed--mainly just because a friend had gifted me a pot, some dirt, and some forget-me-not seeds, so this would give me an excuse to actually plant them.  During the prayer at the end of FHE, Landon said, "Dear Hemminy Fodder, please bless that our seeds can grow...."  Amen.
*********
I had an experience this week in which I knew the Lord had prompted somebody else to look after me--and it really meant a lot to me.  A friend I hadn't talked to in a long time sent me a message and told me that I had been on her mind for some reason, and she thought to check in on me to see how I was doing.  It was such a small thing, but it came at a moment that I really needed it.

It reminded me of another time several years ago--while BK and I were in the midst of infertility the first time around, and I spent a night wondering and prayer and crying about whether I would ever get the blessing of motherhood in my life.  And because only a small handful of people knew about our struggles, I felt incredibly alone.  I prayed that I wouldn't feel so alone and that I would somehow feel comforted.

I woke up the next morning to an email from a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile saying that I had been on her mind, and that she was hoping she wasn't being too prying to ask how things were going with the whole infertility thing.  It gave me a reason to talk about it and more importantly, I knew the Lord had not forgotten me in my trial.

I need to be more diligent about "checking in" on people when I can't get them off my mind.  There's usually a reason.
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Spencer's new favorite thing is to have dance parties.  I love him.

I love two-year-olds because they're part human, part creature.  He just does the funniest little things sometimes--he's in his own little world. He decided it was time for his yearly switch in parental loyalty, and so for the past couple of weeks, he's been quite the momma's boy--and doesn't really want anything to do with BK.  I can't lie--I'm totally eating up every second of it.  That boy is charming, I tell you what.

October 8, 2012

This weekend was conference weekend.  It was nice to just have a relaxing weekend--however, I'm not sure we really got much out of conference with our children running around--but we tried our best and look forward to reading the talks soon!

In between sessions, Melanie enticed me to come over with the promise of a snickers brownie.  There probably isn't anything I wouldn't do for one of those.  They're definitely one of my favorite desserts!  We ended up going on a walk with some of the kids to enjoy the cool weather and get out of the house.  I'm glad we have friends that live so close.  And I'm glad that they know how to make Snickers brownies.

We watched some more conference, and then Troy & Whitney & kiddos came over for dinner.  We made tomato soup and they brought grilled cheese sandwiches... then we made pumpkin bars.  BK and I are so blessed to have already made so many good friends in the area.  We just love it.  I've decided that I could pretty much be happy anywhere as long as I was living in a house I liked and had good people to hang out with. Even Waco, TX.

Today I packed up the boys and we headed down to the Waco Municipal Court to contest a parking ticket.  I'll have to start watching Law & Order again to prepare for my pre-trial on December 6!

This weekend I was really feeling the side-effects of the fertility meds that I'm on.  I know I don't have much to complain about in life if this is my biggest "trial" at the moment--but it's been really tough for me.  Frustration about even having to take it again after we lucked out so much with Spencer, extreme moodiness and irritability, nausea, hot flashes, and the list goes on.  It's no fun at all.  I'm trying to stay positive and count my blessings and just blaze through it, but it's still just really frustrating for me because I just don't feel like "me" when I'm crying at the drop of a hat and blowing up over ridiculous things.  It's just hard.  I'm not convinced that the low dose they have me on is even working, and we'll know for sure on Friday if it did, after they run some lab tests--and if it's not, they will double the dose.  I've been on these meds before and had to have the dose doubled before, and I remember how it really did double the side effects, too, and so that for sure concerns me.  I just hope this will be a quick ordeal.  In the meantime, I'll just have to redouble my efforts to stay on track in life and try to stay as positive as I can.  As I listened to conference (when my children weren't fighting over trains) I felt prompted to start looking for the Lord's hand in my life in "small" ways--to help me feel more grateful and positive.  Anyway, end rant!

The sunshine is out today, and it's in the 50s.  It's so beautiful.  I just love Texas, and I'm glad our life path has brought us back here at this time in our lives!

October 3, 2012

So I did end up getting my reading-on-a-rainy-afternoon time in the other day.  It was grand.

I've also recently been getting more into canning with my new pressure canner.  I made apple pie filling the other night and put whipped cream on the leftovers and ate it.  It was SO GOOD.  mmmmm.

I got a parking ticket on Sunday night in front of Dean and Melanie's house.  Ouch.  

Landon decided to take a nap next to me during my rainy Saturday afternoon reading. So cute.

This week has been a fun one so far.  I decided to go check out this super cute little Amish grocery store/ deli in Lott on Monday afternoon.  I will definitely be going back sometime! I also had the chance to help out some friends on Monday--and it put me in a really good mood.  Monday night we had Troy & Whitney & kids over for Family Home Evening and smoothies.  

Yesterday I dropped Landon off at preschool, and then Whitney and I and the remaining kiddos went over to Allison's house to learn more about canning.  We had a really great time hanging out and chatting, and I think this will go down as the first time in history that Spencer had a playdate at a house and i DIDNT have to go check on him every 5 seconds to make sure he hadn't broken something/run away/ hit somebody/etc.  He just played with the other babies there, and was completely well-behaved for the entire time!  Which was like 5 hours! After that we jetted back to get Landon. The boys and I went over to Melanie's house to drop off Rome's birthday present (a green car that lights up and plays rap music.  perfect.) and ran into Moriah and her kiddos there, too! So we had a little impromptu playdate until it was dinner/daddy time. Later  I went to a volleyball game and then to book club, and had a great time with friends at both of those!

Today I took the boys to Walmart to get some more diapers.  Then we went to the library to check out some more books. Then we ate lunch at Sam's with Troy & Whitney & kids.  Nothing beats a $1.70 hot dog and soda.  Then we went to the zoo with them.  Always a good time at the zoo.  This evening I'm watching their kiddos so they can go out for their anniversary, and I am DYING looking forward to holding their sweet little baby boy Rafe allllll evening long.  He is the cutest, sweetest baby!

This past weekend was a rough weekend for me.  The rainy weather certainly didn't help the cooped-up, stressed-out feeling.  But as usual, life always gets better.  This week has been a really positive one so far--with lots to do and great times with friends--and BEAUTIFUL weather!

The only downside of being so fun-busy this week, is that my house has devolved into a cluttered mess... so I think I'll go clean up for a bit before BK gets home.  Spencer is taking a late nap, and Landon is watching a dinosaur show.  So I think I'll put on some headphones and rock out to find some motivation. 

September 29, 2012

Saturday.  The best day of the week.  Or at least that's what I always hope for, and then it usually gets eaten up by about 39384 small errands and chores, no matter how hard we try to keep that from happening.  Oh, well.

Yesterday got up and went to the store to do some birthday party shopping for my mom.  We decided on purple, pink, and yellow polka-dot balloons, pink polka-dot napkins, pink plates, and yellow utensils.  We also decided that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream would go fabulously with the cookie cake my dad would be bringing.

Unfortunately while at the store, Landon decided to pitch a mini-fit because I grabbed the sour cream without letting him try to get it first.  So he threw himself down on the ground, but the cart had already started moving, and so I accidentally ran over his finger.  Oops.  And so he spent the last 7 minutes of our time at Walmart wailing at the top of his lungs.  And dirty, disgusting Wal-mart shoppers looked at me judgingly. How dare they.  Anyway, I didn't really care that Landon was acting that way because I knew the consequence would be not getting to choose a good-boy-at-the-grocery-store treat.  I picked out a ring pop for Spencer who was good at the store.  Cue Landon wailing again. But oh, well.  He'll remember to think about it next time before he throws himself down on the floor in the middle of a grocery store.

This is the thing about four-year-olds: they can be incredibly brilliant and mature and you breathe a sigh of relief thinking, yessssss, we're finally moving on to the next stage!  And then they act like a two year old out of nowhere, and you're left thinking "?!?!"

I expected the rest of the day to go horribly since it started off with a discipline issue.  But actually Landon did several surprisingly mature things yesterday, too.  He accidentally bumped Spencer who fell to the ground, and without me prompting him, he immediately ran back over to him and said, "I'm sorry, Spence!  Are you okay??"  This happened twice, and I sat there dumbfounded, as this was probably the first time he sincerely apologized to Spence without me having to remind him.  So that was good.

My parents came over for the party last night.  We had a good time eating and laughing and chatting, as usual. Then we put the boys to bed.  BK watched a football game, while I fell asleep.  Despite both of the boys staying up past bedtime for two nights in a row, they were both up before 7am this morning.  BK took a shift and got up with them, and I slept in for a couple more hours.  I woke up to a gloomy, rainy day, which sort of reflects my attitude today as well.  But I'm going to try really hard to snap out of it.

However, cooped up, wiggly children will probably not really help my cause, but the youngest squirrel is about to go down for a nap, and the daddy squirrel is going to go work for a couple of hours (will we ever be able to finally pay off our medical bills?!?), and more-than-likely I'll just turn on a movie for the older-brother squirrel and maybe lay in my bed and read my book while the rain beats outside my window for an hour or so.  Selfish? Yes.  Necessary for today?  Absolutely.

September 27, 2012

Today was crazy clothes day at preschool.  You can't really tell from the picture, but those are my halloween socks that go up to his knees when pulled up all the way, an inside-out backwards shirt, and... a crazy face.  

I kept reminding him that it was crazy CLOTHES day... not CRAZY day.  I remembered from being a teacher that when kids dress crazy; they act crazy.  But apparently he behaved today, so yay for Landon!

Spencer and I went to his speech appointment--where he attempted many new words and sounds.  I am so so grateful for the wonderful speech therapist he has.  She is a co-worker of BK's, and we seriously lucked out.  She is so kind and warm and loving, and Spencer has loved her since the moment he laid eyes on her, which is a big deal for him.  She takes things at his pace, instead of forcing him to do things--which does make things slower, but it's just the confidence boost he's needing right now.

I love when people meet your children, and you just know that they "get" them and love them.  Miss Becky is that person for Spencer.  I never had to convince her that he was smart or great or cute or wonderful... she has just always thought he was, and treats him accordingly.  Landon's teacher Miss Tammi is much the same way.  He was the last to get picked up today, and she was sitting playing a board game with him, and they were joking around together, and it just did my heart good to see that he's in good hands with a teacher that just adores him (but at the same time enforces limits and consequences when necessary) and thinks he's grand.  Because I sure do think those things of both of my children.

Spencer and I came home after his appointment and hung out at home today.  He played outside while I sat outside reading a book called The Forgotten Garden, which is FABULOUS so far.  We watched Blue's Clues together when we came inside.  I gave him some lunch, and we dabbled in potty-training a bit... then it was time to go get Landon.

Today is my lovely mother's birthday, and we'll be celebrating it at our house tomorrow evening.  I'm so lucky to have my mother as one of my best friends.  She's another "magical person" in my children's lives that just loves them to death, and that means a lot to me.  She also listens to me babble on about my "accomplishments" throughout the day, and I know she's always cheering for me.  And so, for these reasons, I MIGHT share my Blue Bell Ice Cream with her and my dad when they come up for her party tomorrow. MAYBE.

Tonight is Bunco--and it's cowboy themed. What to wear, what to wear....  I'm excited to get out and spend time with some great friends.  I always feel uplifted and happy after spending an evening with all of them.  I'm glad I'm married to a guy that "gets" that I need girl-time every so often in the evenings, and encourages me to get out and have fun--whether it's Bunco, or playing in a volleyball league.  I'm trying to be more understanding about him needing to have his own hobbies, too, and so lately whenever he's wanted to go work out with one of his guy friends in the evening, I've tried to be encouraging.  Last night when he got home from scouts and home-teaching, we sat down to watch Survivor with our ice cream, but it turned out our antenna had been weird, so we have to wait until tonight to watch it online.  UGH.

The smallest rat in the household has snuck out during naptime, and is upstairs trying to sneak around in the playroom... so I better go regulate.  How dare he.

Sept 26, 2012

This morning we took Landon to get his ears re-checked, after he failed his hearing test last month because of an ear infection.  He passed with flying colors today.  Looks like there's no more excuses for disobedience.... We actually got in and out of the doctor's office in record time, and Spencer didn't have any meltdowns.  PHEW.

We came home and some friends came over for a little meeting we were having to plan our church Trunk or Treat for Halloween.  It went well and the kids played.

After Spence woke up from his nap, I decided to go to Kohl's to spend my $10 coupon I got in the mail.  I usually let the boys pick out a puzzle or board game with the money.  Today after they applied the coupon, we got a Thomas the Train ABC puzzle for $0.42!!  SCORE!

Landon and Spencer were squabbling in the backseat over who got to hold it, so I called off the after-Kohl's party at Three Spoons, which Landon was especially upset about.  However, I told him that we could maybe go another day when brothers were getting along.  He started wailing.

I quickly realized that the last three hours was going to go at snail's pace listening to that.  He had already exhausted all possibilities at home--outside, hose, puzzles, trains, books, etc--so I drove straight to a park and let them play.

It was one of the most peaceful two hours I have had in a LONG time.

The weather was perfect.  So perfect I didn't even notice if I was hot or cold, just comfortable.  The boys quickly found kids to play with, and they just played for two hours.  They never seem to be able to do that at the park without bugging me for snacks, attention, etc.  I'm not sure what was different today, but I just sat on a bench and watched them run around, and engaged in one of my all-time favorite hobbies--people-watching.

Finally I tore them away from the playground around 5pm.  We came home, and Landon asked if he could choose what we had for dinner. He decided upon "Macky cheese... the REG-U-LAR kind, mom.  NOT the taco kind."  Lately, I've been adding diced tomatoes and taco seasoning to mac&cheese to make it more bearable, but apparently he hates it.  So tonight we had the reg-u-lar kind.  With some corn on the cob, too.

The boys played outside with BK after dinner while I chatted on the phone with my mom until it was time for bed and time for BK to go help the scouts at church.  BK left, and I put the boys to bed.  We decided to record some songs and sent them to my mom and sisters.  My boys are such divas.  Cute divas.

My mom called Landon immediately to discuss his song, and he had fun chatting with her for a few minutes before going to bed.

I sat down to record my thoughts on today, and I heard my TV on upstairs.  I went upstairs to find Spencer in my bed with all of his munchies (blankies) watching Curious George.  That little rat apparently not only knows how to sneak out of his bedroom undetected, but how to work Netflix on my TV now, too.  ?!?!?  What am I going to DO with him??

I marched him back to his room, and I asked Landon if HE had turned on the TV for Spence.  Landon said that he hadn't.  "Mom!  He did it all by himself, he's such a big boy!"  Spencer looked up at me and flashed a cheesy grin.  I tried not to laugh as I reminded them both that it wasn't a good choice to sneak into my room to watch TV.

So again, today wasn't really that exciting.  Just a normal day!  But I hope that by getting back in the habit of writing again (and maybe taking more pictures!!) that I'll find interesting things to write about.  So stay tuned! :)
 

Today

I was reminded in a conversation today with a new friend that even if I feel like my life events are menial, that someday I'll enjoy reading them and remembering my life as it is now.  I so enjoy reading all the detailed accounts of my boring adventures with Baby Landon because it takes me back to being a new mom and the nervousness and anticipation of it all.  I'm sure five years from now, I'll feel the same about my life today.

Today was a preschool day.  BK decided to ride with us to drop Landon off, as he didn't have a patient until 9:30am.  We drove straight from preschool to Spencer's speech appt at BK's office.  Even though his progress is slow, he's talking SO much more than he was 6 months ago.  It brightens my life to see his little personality blossom, his shyness fading away.  He's growing up, and I'm trying to roll with it, as much as I hate to lose my "baby."  We bought him a "big boy bed" the other day, and it felt weird to dismantle the crib without having a "new baby" reason. I stuffed it under the guest bed and said a quick prayer that it wouldn't be too long before I pulled it out again.

But back to today.

After the appointment, I dragged Spencer to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.  Then we went to the bank to make a deposit.  Then we came home.

We quickly became bored, and I realized it had been at least six months since we had been to the library.  And there was a book I heard was good, and I wanted to check it out.  So Spencer and I went to the library.  He thought pulling out books was fantastic, but he wasn't so much into actually reading them.  But he did choose a lovely Blue's Clues book to take home, and he was excited about that.

We had some time before I had a visit scheduled, so I took Spencer to McDonald's where he partook of his very first solo happy meal with no brother to split it with.  He had a good time running around with another little boy on the playground, while I dove into my new book.

When it was time to go, we headed to our visit with a new friend.  We enjoyed chatting with her and her darling baby girl.  Spencer mainly enjoyed terrorizing her daughter and throwing a ball around her house--but luckily did not break anything.  We'll have to work on manners.  Oh, Spence.

I love having conversations though that really make me think, and this was one of those.  I've had a lot of those lately with people, and it's been a huge blessing.

Then it was time to pick up Landon.  He wasn't in the greatest of moods when I picked him up.  Spence fell asleep on the car ride home, and I put him in his big boy bed as soon as we got home.  Landon asked to watch a show.  I turned it on, with full intent to not let him waste another lovely afternoon watching TV, but then my baby sister called, and I decided I didn't care, and wanted to catch up with her instead of arguing with him.  So we chatted for about two hours.  Afterward, we went to pick up BK from work, and we decided last-minute to head to Freebirds for "kids eat free" night.  That seemed to perk up Landon.  And he started chatting with us about his day.

The boys had a lovely battle over BK's brownie... but ultimately it seemed like they all got a fair share.  We headed home, BK bathed them while I sat around doing nothing, and then we took them to their room.  We read scriptures, and then BK read the boys a book while I put away their laundry. We said a prayer, and wished them goodnite.  They begged us for snuggies--BK gave in this time.

Now they are busy running around their room while BK watches the news, and I sit here and type this.  When they're finally asleep, and we can truly relax, we will probably break out our Blue Bell ice cream cartons and turn on a show.

Then we'll go to sleep, and do it all again tomorrow.  :)

Landon's a preschooler

So on Tuesday, Landon had his first day of preschool. 

And it went really well!  He has been excited about it alllll summer.  We went shopping for new clothes and a backpack and a lunchbox last week--so he was all ready!

 We had a minor disagreement about which of his new shoes matched his outfit.  I pulled the "mom card" and "won" that one, but he got over it about halfway through the car-ride.

 Here's his desk!  His teacher is Miss Tammy, and she's absolutely adorable.  It makes me feel so much more comfortable leaving him when I know he's in good hands with people who love these kids!

Landon did not cry when I left him.  He walked right in and sat down to work on tracing his name.  I loaded Spencer back up in the car and we drove off.  I must admit I teared up for a few seconds as I pulled out of the parking lot.  It wasn't that I was worried about how to live without him every Tuesday and Thursday--because heaven knows going grocery shopping with just one kid had been on my wishlist alllll summer long--but it was more just a quick feeling of  "Didn't I just give birth to him, like, yesterday??  This went TOO FAST."  I have a feeling that I'll have many more of those Mom Moments in the years to come.

But then I just felt happy--for him and for me.  I was happy he is such a well-adjusted kid and that going to pre-school was not some huge dramatic moment in our history together.  I can only take partial credit for this, as Landon has probably been ready for preschool since the day he was born.  He's such a smart little thing, and so independent.  As I thought about all this, I teared up again because I'm just grateful he put up with me infringing on his independence for the four years I have.  I completely respect and understand his need to do things on his own and by himself--because I'm the exact same way.  It's like looking in a mirror everytime I lay eyes on him--both physically and emotionally.  But the "mom" part of me just knows this is the beginning of the end--and while I know learning and being away from home is most definitely what he needs right now,  I just miss his spunky little attitude.  Well, most of the time anyway.

Spencer was a completely different child with Landon gone.  So quiet, playing happily by himself.  I'm grateful to have the next couple of years with him to help him prepare to be a "big boy," too.  He did miss Landon, though.  Every little while he would stop what he was doing and yell "YANDA??" And he was SO happy when we went to pick Landon up, and gave him a big hug.

Landon told me that he had a great first day.  He said he didn't have to move his parachute man down a cloud at all and that he got two stickers.  He told me he made new friends and that he was kind.  His teacher told me he did great.  When we got in the car, he quickly exclaimed, "Mom! Preschool is SO FUN.  What day do I get to go back?"  We worked on his tracing homework when he got home, and he told me all about his day.

I'm so excited to see him learn and grow in new ways this year, while he gets ready for kindergarten.  This year he is in school on Tues/Thur from 9-2pm--which seems so long until I consider that next year, he'll be gone EVERY day from 8am-3pm.  So I think this will be a good adjustment for him. And for me.  :)

The Summer

I think I haven't blogged forever because I feel overwhelmed at the amount of things I have to cover.  So here is my best attempt at a catch-up

June--

We went to San Diego with BKs family for a "Welcome Home from your Mission, Don and Judy!" trip!  We had a blast with everyone there--despite the cold temperatures, puking, and sunburns.  We went to the San Diego Zoo as well, and we loved it, except BK didn't get to go because he was puking that day.

We came home from that trip, and found that our entire hard drive had crashed.  Literally, everthing... GONE.  Luckily we had SOME of the files on another computer, and luckily all my pics from the blog.  But we lost pretty much everything else.  And I was devastated and angry about it for several days.  So fun. A few days later, my lovely little sister Sara returned from her mission.  It was wonderful to see her.

July--

A few days after that we loaded up in the car (on my birthday. Lame. But I'm 28 now.) and drove in a caravan with Mom and Dad and Sara up to Utah for the wedding festivities for Megan.  The wedding was fantastic; Landon and Spencer rocked the dance floor with all of Megan's friends; and I received my very first speeding ticket ever. In New Mexico.  I have always hated New Mexico and now I know why.

Two days after getting home, BK and I headed to Austin for his surgery--a bilateral variococelectomy. If you're really curious, google it--I'm not getting into specifics.  Basically his doctor thinks this will improve our chances of getting pregnant.  By a small miracle and a kind doctor we were able to get this $15,000 surgery covered by our insurance.  It took BK about a week to recover from this.  And so naturally, in the weeks that followed, we've been busy trying to piece our lives back together and remind our children there are still rules around this place!!

In September we will be heading to Utah AGAIN for the LAST and FINAL wedding in the Foster family.  Sara and Ian are getting married on Sept 21.  Also in September, Landon will be starting preschool.  Spencer is continuing to say more and more words since we've had him in speech therapy.

Life is good.  Busy, but good.


Phew.

Now I feel like I can start blogging again since I finally "caught up!!"

Cucumber Salad

I just finished lunch.  It was the first lunch I've had with just goods from my garden!  Tomatoes and cucumbers. Well, and mozzarella cheese--which I didn't grow--but anyway, the vegetables were great!

It got me thinking about my garden.

Several months ago, I finally realized that after a year of waiting for Baby #3 to join us, that it wasn't going to happen on my timeline.  This joined a large stack of growing concerns that I couldn't control--my four year old's lack of obedience no matter what I did, my two year old's lack of speech, and now this.  Mostly this.  I knew for sure that the other two problems would...eventually... solve themselves probably.  This might not.

As we've bounced around seeing various doctors, ultrasound techs, lab results, etc, I've started to lose hope that this will ever happen for us again.  Even though part of me knows it will.  It's just too painful to think about sometimes.  I worry sometimes about turning into the bitter, angry, and sad 19-22 yr old who dealt with all this before.  But luckily for me, I have too many things to do and accomplish than sit around and feel sorry for myself. Most of the time anyway.

During that initial realization a few months ago, I felt a prompting.  Start a garden.  The winter weather was finally starting to dissipate, and I felt that it would be good for me to get out in the sun everyday and work on something productive.

So I packed up my boys and headed to Lowe's, with advice from my visiting teacher Erika about how best to do it.  And I've loved my little garden ever since.  It has felt wonderful to get outside and check that garden every morning.  The boys and I got excited every time a new seedling sprouted, or a flower opened, or a cucumber seemed to appear out of nowhere.

And as I watered and thinned and pruned and trimmed and tended, my mind found answers.  Answers about waiting; answers about fruits of our labors; answers about spiritual nourishment; answers about faith; and most importantly, answers about hope.  My little garden had so many analogies that applied to my life at this very moment.  And it helped to fill the void and block the pain of my own inability to produce life within myself--to bear fruit in other ways, and then to know that I did it.  That I can grow things and nurture them into life.

My squash and zucchini were the first to produce fruit.  We saw the tiny fruit and got so excited.  But then a few days later, they would dry up and fall off.  I turned to the internet and found out it was a product of poor pollination.  And because I was having an especially emotional day, I cried.  Are you joking me? This garden was supposed to be therapeutic for this whole infertility thing, and now I find out my squash plant is INFERTILE?! 


Then I started laughing instead.  Because really, it was rather funny and ironic.  So I learned how to pollinate them myself since apparently the birds and the bees weren't doing a good enough job.  And I laughed to myself thinking: Well, isn't this all sounding familiar....

But in those peaceful moments, outside with my boys, looking at the fruits of my labors, I've felt assurance.  I know that I'm doing everything I can spiritually and physically to bring this wonderful blessing to pass.  We've asked several members of our family to keep us in their prayers continually; we've fasted; family members have put us on the prayer roll at the temple; we've serve faithfully in our callings at church; we're good friends; we're good parents; we teach our children the Gospel; we read scriptures together; we pray together.  And so I know it must be for some greater purpose.  This is the Lord's will in my life right now since I am living righteously and nothing has changed.  And I know that someday it will all make sense.  It always has in the past.

So we'll just continue to nourish the faith and hope that we already have.
And eat dang good tomatoes in the meantime. :)

Landon's Birthday: The Details

First, Nana and Papa came over on Friday night to deliver some presents.

A party ball. That has since been confiscated and hid in a closet. Maybe someday I'll give it back.  But the nightclub going on upstairs until 10:30pm every night HAD to stop.  THANKS MOM.  hahaha

Spiderman hat and sunglasses.

And they even brought a cake.

Spencer enjoyed it, as usual.

Megan, I feel like Dad looks like you in this picture. Like, he's doing your eyebrow thing or something...

Then Landon requested a rock band party with Papa.  And so it was.

Then on Saturday, Landon's actual birthday, we opened presents.

Wait.  Why do you need a bike helmet?  You don't have a bike.

SURPRISE.  You DO have a bike!

Bike brothers.

Cul-de-sac bike brothers.

Then it was time for the Batman party.

I got a little creative with the cheese slices.

Cupcakes.  So much less hassle than actual cake.

Superhero energy fuel.  Thank you, internet.

See those tomatoes?  They're from my garden!!

Batman friends.

A game of musical chairs with Batman theme music

Which ended badly when Jaxson's father decided to pretend to run away with the last chair.

The girls got batman cookie necklaces.

The boys got batman cookie medals for completing the obstacle course.

Not pictured:

• A violent game of ball tag that lasted for a good 40 minutes.
• The game I had totally ready, but forgot to play!  I froze a bunch of batman figurines in ice cubes... I mean... MR FREEZE froze them... and then kids were going to have to get them out!  Oh well, Landon and Spence had fun with that the next day when I rediscovered them in my freezer!
• Beckham and Big Spencer... two friends who couldn't make it, but brought awesome gifts by the following week!  Landon is so lucky to already have so many great friends even though we haven't even lived here a year yet!
• BK, Matt, and Dean playing soccer... men never cease to try to show off athletic skills in front of their women.  It was quite a show.

All in all, it was a great party, and a great birthday!  Here's to being four in the world!