Several months ago you turned 3. When did you grow up so fast?? Anyway. You're a great three-year-old. I wanted to specifically tell you about today. Because I think it might mean something to you years down the road.
Our family has had a really hard time the past 9 months. Your baby brother is almost here, but it's taken a lot out of your poor mother, which means every one has suffered in some way or another. And you, along with your brother, have been having a really hard time the past couple of months in your various areas of weakness. I have tried not to feel too guilty because I know I'm doing the very best I can, which isn't really great right now--but nonetheless, I feel certain somehow eventually Heavenly Father will help me pull things back together and we'll come through it all unscathed, but sometimes it's just hard knowing that you need more than I have right now.
Your bright little spirit has picked up on the anxious and impatient nature of mine right now. And you've been acting out. You finally triumphantly figured out how to talk (!!yay!!) but communicating with your mouth as opposed to your pudgy little hands when you are angry is still a huge struggle for you. Your father and I have banged our heads against a wall trying everything we can think of to help you figure this out. And nothing has worked. Today was one of those days where I just felt useless as a parent because I just did.not.know what to do about it. The tricks up my sleeve have all been exhausted (and for crying out loud, I have a bachelor's degree in this!) and something about the way I'm explaining/punishing/rewarding isn't speaking to your rambunctious little spirit. And if your own mother can't communicate with you and help you understand, for goodness sakes, who can??
Well. Heavenly Father. That's who.
I was reminded today for the 80 billionth time that you are His, not mine. I'm not supposed to have all the answers. Parenting is supposed to teach ME to rely on HIM.
I spent your naptime today reading articles online about how I could solve the problem. I spent time on my knees, tears running down my face, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me know what to do, what to say, how to fix it. And eventually the answer came: Amy, you can't. But I can. Quit trying to do everything on your own, and let me take the wheel for once.
And so I asked your wonderful father to give you a blessing, after I told him all of my concerns and lacks of solution. We waited until you had almost fallen asleep, and then we crept into your bedroom. Your bright brown eyes were still open, but you were laying in your bed, calm. Landon was asleep. I scooped you up into my arms, and your father placed his hands on your head and began to speak to you. And you, who cannot stay quiet to SAVE YOUR LIFE during a prayer in any setting, immediately settled down and listened. I felt your anxious little body relax in my arms, as your father blessed you with beautiful words. You kept blinking your eyes up at me, and smiling, like somehow you were understanding--like you were feeling peace and the love of your Heavenly Father, and that it felt good to your little (big) soul. You remained absolutely silent for the entire blessing and your very busy little body didn't even move an inch.
Your father left after that to go to the gym. I laid with you in bed, enjoying the glowing spirit around you. You turned to look at me and said, "Momma. I feel happy."
You went on to explain to me all the rules and ideas that we talk about constantly ("Momma, Jesus wants us to be soft--Jesus wants us to make people happy, etc) which is really nothing new--except that you said it with new feeling and meaning. I didn't even really ask you about those things specifically, and your father didn't really even mention those things specifically in the blessing, but somehow your little spirit translated that peaceful feeling to having something to do with Jesus--I know that it's because it's His love you felt. You laid there, happy as a clam, and talked to me for about 30 minutes, stopping in between sentences to hug me and kiss me on the cheek for really no reason at all--except that you were just feeling happy.
Now, do I think you will be perfect from now on? Nope. You're three. And you need this phase to learn and grow. But it was a powerful lesson to me on your ability to feel the Spirit and respond appropriately. It was also a lesson to me on our Heavenly Father's ability to communicate to our spirits. Not just our brains, or even our hearts, but our spirits--in a way that a human can't--not even a mother. Which is pretty much as close to super-human as it gets in my opinion. And it's because you're His. Your spirit belongs to Him. And He understands you better than I ever will. And He loves you.
Please know that I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'll make mistakes and fall short as your mother sometimes. Sometimes that will be my fault, other times it will just be because life is just plain stressful sometimes, and we just have to learn to deal with it. It's just hard being a parent--to meet everyone's needs in just the right way, even on days that you don't feel good. (You'll learn that firsthand someday. Trust me.) But I want you to know that even if I fall short (which is often), He never will. Maintain a strong relationship with Him, and pray to Him often, and you'll be okay. I'll try to do the same.
I'm blessed beyond measure to have your bright little self in my life. I'm glad I get to be your mom for forever.
Love,
Mom
