December 13, 2012

Dearest third baby of mine,

Here you are at 12 weeks:

I could've sat there in the doctor's office watching you flip around and wave your arms and suck on your fingers all day.  But Spencer's sucker I gave him would only last so long, and the ultrasound technician kept giving me dirty looks because Spencer kept looking at/touching expensive equipment (notetoself: he will NEVER come to another appt of mine AGAIN.  Anyway, back to you.)

I was worried about you before this appointment.  This pregnancy has felt so different to me, and so I wondered if you were okay--if you even still existed.  But the second your tiny little body flashed up on the screen, and I saw you moving around doing somersaults, I felt peace again that everything was okay.

It was like magic--watching you move around on the television, but being absolutely unable to feel any of it.  And the rest of the day I've just been thinking about how you're probably flipping around doing all sorts of secret things, and I have no idea.  That won't last for long of course. 

I watched your tiny little heart beating and pumping.  And then the technician turned on the sound--I didn't know I was far enough along to be able to actually hear it--but there it was--the magical whoosh-whoosh sound of a tiny little baby heartbeat.  169 bpm.

I went out with some friends tonight, and I drove back through the new road in the back of our subdivison--where they haven't put in streetlights in yet, and so it's really, really dark.  I looked up at just the right moment to see a shooting star fall from the sky.  It just seemed like the perfect ending for a perfect day. (Today wasn't really perfect--just to be clear.  Your older brothers have about driven me mad--and my house is trashed--and we ate Walmart pizza for dinner. But everything about you today really WAS perfect! Except that Spencer was at the doctor's office because of a slight miscommunication between your father and me about his availability to be at the aforementioned appointment... anyway.)

Anyway, thank you for being so wonderful and bringing so much joy to my life already, even though we haven't met yet.  I'm so looking forward to it.  6ish more months! :)

Love,
Mom

December 11, 2012

I of course meant to write about this weeks ago before I forgot all the details, but better late than never!

Back in October I had some blood tests done that confirmed the fertility medication that I was on was working.  It didn't mean it was pregnant, but it meant I was on the right track.

Several days before the day I had chosen to take a pregnancy test, I got in my usual funk.  I just wanted to hurry up and take the test and get the negative test, and then mope around and then get over it.  I didn't want to prolong that for several more days.  Maybe it would even be positive a few days later, but at least I would have already prepared myself for the worst.

I was in the middle of sewing Halloween costumes and could distract myself no longer.  BK was on a phonecall or something, and I slipped away to take the test.  I said a prayer that when it was negative that I would get over it quickly.

Only a few seconds later I found myself staring in disbelief at this:

I think I was too shocked to even cry or shout for joy.  I was literally dumbfounded.  This was the third time in my entire life I had ever gotten a positive pregnancy test.  

I wanted to wait to tell BK in some cute way.  But I am horrible at keeping secrets.  My sisters were the first to find out--via a txt message with the picture.  I told a couple of other friends, mainly to get ideas about how to surprise BK.  Finally, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to keep such a happy thing from him.  I wrote a little note that said "Baby P #3 June 2013" and wrapped the test in it and stuck it under his pillow.  He finally came to bed and found it.  He was, of course, thrilled.

I spent the next couple of days in a wonderful, happy fog.  Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me.  He had heard my prayers.  He had a plan for me.  He always had, and I should've had more faith.  But isn't that always the case?

Several weeks later found me, BK, and Spencer in a doctor's office getting an ultrasound.  There on the screen was one tiny bean with a beating heart.  Such a miracle.  Even though this is the third time, it doesn't ever take away from that miraculous moment.  

I have felt more tired this pregnancy than either of the two before, but I haven't thrown up once! That almost makes me nervous that maybe something is wrong, but I'll have another ultrasound on Thursday that will hopefully lay my paranoia to rest.  I have plenty of other ridiculous pregnancy symptoms keeping me company, I should just be grateful that vomiting all day long like the last two isn't on that list, I suppose!

Anyway, even a couple of months later, this all still feels like a dream to me.  It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that in about 6 1/2 months, I'll have a warm, snuggly, helpless, divinely-smelling newborn to hold.  I'm just so, so grateful I get to do it all again.