Worst news ever.
But at least they gave us two months' notice this time instead of 4 days. The holidays that year were bittersweet, as we knew that it would be a long time before we got to share another one together. It was a really rough time emotionally for us both. We went back and forth from wanting to cherish every waking moment with each other to just wanting him to leave so that we could get it over with. It was extremely hard for me when I went back to school in January to have to leave him at home, when I wondered if it would be the last few weeks we ever got to spend together.
Finally the weekend came to drive BK down to St. George and drop him off. He said goodbye to family down there and the next morning I dropped him off at the armory. Next stop for him--Camp Shelby, Mississippi.
Many people have asked me over the past few years what it's like to live without your husband. It's horrible. I'm going to attempt to give you a good feel for what it's like in this post.
In my journal on January 24, 2005, I wrote:
"My worst nightmare has come true--again. BK left this morning for National Guard duty. Right now he's in Mississippi, then he'll go to CA, then to Iraq for a year. I can't do this again. I feel just sick. I don't do well by myself. It's worse just being here in our apartment all by myself. I keep expecting him to walk through the door and come cuddle with me on the couch. What is the Lord trying to teach me in all this? Why do these things always happen to me? Why can't my marriage just be normal for once? Didn't I prove myself the first time? And now he'll be gone for 3 times longer. I'm behind in school, I'm depressed, and I'm lonely. For such an independent person, I really am a baby."
February 1, 2005:
"Well, I got through the first week. I miss him so much. I don't feel like myself really. It's like a part of me is missing."
I actually got lucky enough to see BK once a month while he was gone. Once again, professors were totally nice about letting me miss classes, tests, class presentations, etc in order to accommodate my unique situation. I went down for a weekend in February, and BK was able to spend a couple hours a day with me. I went down for our anniversary in March, and they let him spend one night with me.
An email from BK, March 28, 2005:
"I am sorry that I didn't get to talk to you on Easter. My phone charger was really frustrating me. I was really sad not being able to talk to you much the last couple of days. I really mean that. You always make me smile when I talk to you. I think deploying being married is harder than being single in a lot of ways, but in others it makes it easier. Knowing that you are thinking about me and praying for me makes this a lot easier to deal with. I have a lot of comfort knowing that when this over I have someone permanent to come back to. Really I think it would be hard being here single. You give me so much that I can't offer myself. I know that we have definitely had a tougher path to follow than most couples, but I know that it will definitely help us appreciate each other more. Sometimes its hard to see how other people's lives appear easier with less challenges. I wish I knew why we have things so hard. Many have had it tougher than us. The good thing is though, after this things will be better. We will still have challenges and trials but at least we can deal with them together.... Anyways, I love you tons and I can't wait to see you in few weeks."
In April they actually had a Wives's Weekend in which they gave the guys a lot of time off and wives could fly in. Unfortunately I couldn't stay for very long because it was, of course, during finals week. But BK ended up not having to go to CA because they needed someone to stay behind, so guess who got to go live in a hotel with their husband in May for two weeks in Mississippi? Me!
Then BK got ten days off to come visit me. We went to Padre Island in Texas. We went the USA-Costa Rica soccer match.
We tried to spend every moment possible with each other. But then the dreaded day came when I would have to have the worst airport drop-off of all--the last one before he flew to Iraq. We had no idea what the phone or email situation was going to be. We had no idea when or if he would be able to come home for two weeks during that year. It was a very scary thing.
Barracks in Iraq where BK lived for a year
Eventually we found out that BK would be able to come home for two whole weeks in November. We didn't know the exact dates--as it does take a good two weeks to even get out of Iraq--so I just had to be flexible and be able to get him at a moment's notice. And that's about all I got.
I knew he was in Kuwait waiting for a flight out, but one day on my way to class, I got a quick phonecall from BK saying that he was in Dallas, TX and was getting on a plane RIGHT then to come to Utah. He would be there in 2 hours.
I hadn't even showered. I ran to my class to explain my situation to my teacher, who was of course, understanding. I ran home, showered, got dressed, jumped in my car and beat his plane by maybe 5 minutes. Soon he was coming down that escalator and walking into the baggage claim with his army backpack on. I ran up to him and leaped into his arms. We had people who didn't even know us crying.
The first night he was home (Wait a second. Get your head out of the gutter. Did you really think I was going there? Anyway.) his time zones were all messed up. He wanted to go to bed at like 4 in the afternoon, so I went and laid with him. BK is generally a very sound sleeper and doesn't move around much. But after being in a warzone for 5 months, it was different. He slept so restlessly--twitching and every sound, sweating, tossing and turning. I just held him and cried. My poor baby.
We had a wonderful two weeks visiting family and friends. BK even got to come to class with me a few times.
And because it was requested, here is a story for you. One night when he was home on his leave, we were up all night playing videogames. I made a horrible bet that if he could beat my score on this one game that I would go outside naked. THAT'S how confident I was, people. On his last try, he beat the score and I instantly tried to run away, but he chased me down.
"Take it off and get out there. I'll even be nice and let you wear a bath robe, but you have to flash the neighborhood."
I went outside, and luckily it was like 3 in the morning, otherwise the single guys next door sure would've gotten an eyeful! Then BK of course had to be funny and lock the door and not let me in.
Anyway.
Then came yet another tragic airport scene must like the last one. I wouldn't see him again until June or July. I got to go to the gate with him (They let you do that when you're dropping off a soldier!)--I kissed him goodbye, and it was bittersweet. It would be the last airport goodbye scene we would ever have to have. I got back in my car and drove to my grandparents' house in Salt Lake City for the weekend so I didn't have to be in my apartment alone.
The holidays came and went. It was great to be with family, but I missed BK horribly. He seemed to just be missing out on everything during this deployment: two valentine's days, our 2nd and 3rd wedding anniversaries, my 21st birthday, thanksgiving, christmas...
On Christmas Eve I found out about an extremely close call with BK. He and a few friends were walking to eat dinner when a rocket came in from nowhere. They immediately hit the ground, but since they were on base, they were not wearing body armor, and they fully expected to have severe shrapnel wounds. After laying on the ground, nothing touched them. They got up to investigate the situation. The rocket had landed in a 6 foot patch of mud-which had absorbed the explosion and spared them from serious injury. BK knew that the Lord had protected him.
Winter semester was my cohort semester. And boy where those girls an answer to my prayers. Although it was a ridiculous semester educationally (girls, YOU know what I'm talkin' about... Oh the drama!)--I made some really great friends.
In my journal on April 2, 2006:
"I was reminded of an experience I needed to record. A couple weeks ago, BK had called me late one night. We had a good talk, but he told me of another "close call."
I didn't realize I was upset about it until I was in class the next day. We watched a clip of "Prince of Egypt" where they sing the song, "When You Believe." For some reason, the song touched me and all the emotions I had been trying to hold back came gushing out. I missed my husband. I was tired of school. I was tired of not having a normal marital relationship. I was tired of my husband being in harm's way. I was trying to control my sobs so that others wouldn't see, but I couldn't. After class my friend Mary came up and gave me a hug. The tears flowed freely at that point. A few minutes later she told me that she had felt prompted the night before, while talking on the phone to another friend, Tiffany, to say, "I feel like we need to pray for Amy. I think she is struggling with something." She and Tiffany told me that they had both prayed for me the night before. It meant so much to me that my friends were in tune enough with the Spirit to be able to ask the Lord to strengthen me the night before I was about to have one of the lowest days of BK's deployment. Upon being reminded of the Lord's love for me, my burden was lifted and I felt sincere happiness for the first time in a long time. I hope that I will never ignore the Spirit's promptings to pray for others. I am so grateful that my friends prayed for me when prompted to--even though they had no other evidence to prove that I actually needed help. This was an answer to my prayers because just the night before, I had asked the Lord to forgive me for not being so diligent in saying my personal prayers. This experience was a powerful witness to me about how quick the Lord is to forgive and bless us. All we have to do is ask Him. Without the Lord, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything in the last 15 months without BK. I would have been a complete wreck. I love the Lord with all my heart, and I am eternally grateful for the help I have continually received from Him in my life, even when I have been less-deserving."
Winter term ended, and I began my kindergarten student teaching in May (Another drama-fest in and of itself, right, Emily?). I couldn't believe that I was almost done with college! It had gone by so fast!
And then one day I got the phonecall I had been waiting for.
We tried to spend every moment possible with each other. But then the dreaded day came when I would have to have the worst airport drop-off of all--the last one before he flew to Iraq. We had no idea what the phone or email situation was going to be. We had no idea when or if he would be able to come home for two weeks during that year. It was a very scary thing. Before we left for the airport, BK gave me a blessing. It was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences in my life. I mean, think about it. If you're BK, what in the world do you say? You're about to leave your wife ALL alone for an entire year and possibly might never come back. In this blessing, BK blessed me that every need I had would be taken care of. He blessed me to know that he would return home safely. And lots of other things that are too special to put here. And here enters another one of the five times I have ever seen BK cry. He was sobbing during this. My shoulders were completely drenched from his tears. He hugged me before we walked out the door and said, "I don't want to go. I can't just leave you here."
We drove to the airport and checked his bags. I kissed him goodbye, not knowing when the next time I would get to do so again would be. I watched him walk all the way through security, as he became smaller and smaller, then as he went up the escalator, then he turned the corner.
And then he was gone.
My heart dropped in my chest. I couldn't see him anymore. He was gone. I was proud of myself for making it to the car before having a complete meltdown.
June 23, 2005:
"Today was the first full day of no communication with BK. :( I have no idea where he is--either in Ireland or Kuwait... so that narrows it down! I hope I get to hear from him soon. I miss him so much! I can't wait till he comes home and we can finish school and get going with our life together."
And although I have told this next story a thousand times, I'm telling it again. So deal with it. A few days later, I was feeling particularly sorry for myself because I hate washing dishes. Yes, that is truly the reason why. BK's job is to wash dishes, and they had started piling up because he wasn't there to do them. This of course sparked a dramatic emotional meltdown on my part. How in the world was I supposed to survive for a whole year without being able to call BK? A whole year! My sobbing was interrupted by a knock at my door--a group of single students from across the street were doing a Home Evening Activity.
"Hi. We're doing a service scavenger hunt, and we've just got two things left. Is it possible that we could wash some dishes for you?"
The Lord had answered a small prayer and let me know that He would watch over me while BK was gone. And they even ended up vacuuming, too!
Then one day he called. It was so great hear his voice. He was in Kuwait. And thus our relationship as marital pen-pals began.
Barracks in Iraq where BK lived for a yearAn email from BK July 2005:
"Hi baby, I just got off the phone with you. It sounds like you were having fun at Outback. It was good to get your email. I am glad that you read your patriarchal blessing and watched the wedding video. I know that you probably won't believe this but each day I am trying to put a little time into our marriage. Whether I email you, write you a letter, talk to you on the phone, look at wedding pics on the computer, I am trying to make some time thinking about us. I know that you probably don't believe me saying that, but I really am. I should have been putting more time into that category a long time ago. You have always been a lot better about making time for us. I have noticed a difference though since I've been doing this. It helps me to remind me about the covenants we've made, and about how much we love each other. It's kind of sad, but I think without doing those things I've been doing, I can really see how spouses could grow apart from one another. This helps me to grow closer to you. Not that I think I am going to forget about you during this year or anything, but it keeps me more focused on our marriage and it helps me try to consider your needs a little better. I am sorry you are having a hard time baby. I am having a hard time too even though it's not always evident. I just feel like I need to be home with you taking care of you and progressing in life with you. I kind of feel like I am at a standstill with you and everything else. We haven't had any time since we've been married to just be together me and you and not having to worry about homework, tests, etc. I know last summer we didn't have school but we had opposite work shifts and then being at my parents house didn't really give us a lot of alone time. It's ok that you are having a hard time. This isn't supposed to be an easy thing. I guess we can just take this thing a day at a time. Well baby, I should probably get going now. I hope that you sleep well tonight. Please just try to get some sleep for me. Maybe you should take a bath or something before you sleep. Maybe that will help. I took a bath at my motel room in Ireland just for you, cause you told me to take one. Anyways, I love you tons and I can't wait to see you again. Keep being a good girl like you always are and I'll talk/email you soon. I love you."
A few weeks later they flew to Iraq. Their plane was shot at on the way in, and the pilot had to nosedive to miss the incoming fire. Welcome to Iraq.
We were extremely fortunate to find out that the communication situation wasn't as bad as we had expected. I got to talk to him on the phone almost everyday, except the days they were on lockdown. When there was a casualty, they cut off communication until they contacted the family members involved. Those were always scary days. Sometimes when we talked on the phone, I could hear artillery in the background. Sometimes I could hear the warning sirens, and BK would have to get off and go jump in a trench for cover. It was terrifying.
He was in a completely different world than I was. Ramadi, Iraq was one of the most dangerous places in the whole country of Iraq--and there I was in Provo, Utah of all places going to BYU. (Speaking of, you KNOW you saw my article in the Daily Universe that year--Front Page...OH YEAH!)
Eventually we found out that BK would be able to come home for two whole weeks in November. We didn't know the exact dates--as it does take a good two weeks to even get out of Iraq--so I just had to be flexible and be able to get him at a moment's notice. And that's about all I got.
I knew he was in Kuwait waiting for a flight out, but one day on my way to class, I got a quick phonecall from BK saying that he was in Dallas, TX and was getting on a plane RIGHT then to come to Utah. He would be there in 2 hours.
I hadn't even showered. I ran to my class to explain my situation to my teacher, who was of course, understanding. I ran home, showered, got dressed, jumped in my car and beat his plane by maybe 5 minutes. Soon he was coming down that escalator and walking into the baggage claim with his army backpack on. I ran up to him and leaped into his arms. We had people who didn't even know us crying.
The first night he was home (Wait a second. Get your head out of the gutter. Did you really think I was going there? Anyway.) his time zones were all messed up. He wanted to go to bed at like 4 in the afternoon, so I went and laid with him. BK is generally a very sound sleeper and doesn't move around much. But after being in a warzone for 5 months, it was different. He slept so restlessly--twitching and every sound, sweating, tossing and turning. I just held him and cried. My poor baby.
We had a wonderful two weeks visiting family and friends. BK even got to come to class with me a few times.
And because it was requested, here is a story for you. One night when he was home on his leave, we were up all night playing videogames. I made a horrible bet that if he could beat my score on this one game that I would go outside naked. THAT'S how confident I was, people. On his last try, he beat the score and I instantly tried to run away, but he chased me down.
"Take it off and get out there. I'll even be nice and let you wear a bath robe, but you have to flash the neighborhood."
I went outside, and luckily it was like 3 in the morning, otherwise the single guys next door sure would've gotten an eyeful! Then BK of course had to be funny and lock the door and not let me in.
Anyway.
Then came yet another tragic airport scene must like the last one. I wouldn't see him again until June or July. I got to go to the gate with him (They let you do that when you're dropping off a soldier!)--I kissed him goodbye, and it was bittersweet. It would be the last airport goodbye scene we would ever have to have. I got back in my car and drove to my grandparents' house in Salt Lake City for the weekend so I didn't have to be in my apartment alone.
The holidays came and went. It was great to be with family, but I missed BK horribly. He seemed to just be missing out on everything during this deployment: two valentine's days, our 2nd and 3rd wedding anniversaries, my 21st birthday, thanksgiving, christmas...
On Christmas Eve I found out about an extremely close call with BK. He and a few friends were walking to eat dinner when a rocket came in from nowhere. They immediately hit the ground, but since they were on base, they were not wearing body armor, and they fully expected to have severe shrapnel wounds. After laying on the ground, nothing touched them. They got up to investigate the situation. The rocket had landed in a 6 foot patch of mud-which had absorbed the explosion and spared them from serious injury. BK knew that the Lord had protected him.
Winter semester was my cohort semester. And boy where those girls an answer to my prayers. Although it was a ridiculous semester educationally (girls, YOU know what I'm talkin' about... Oh the drama!)--I made some really great friends.
In my journal on April 2, 2006:
"I was reminded of an experience I needed to record. A couple weeks ago, BK had called me late one night. We had a good talk, but he told me of another "close call."
I didn't realize I was upset about it until I was in class the next day. We watched a clip of "Prince of Egypt" where they sing the song, "When You Believe." For some reason, the song touched me and all the emotions I had been trying to hold back came gushing out. I missed my husband. I was tired of school. I was tired of not having a normal marital relationship. I was tired of my husband being in harm's way. I was trying to control my sobs so that others wouldn't see, but I couldn't. After class my friend Mary came up and gave me a hug. The tears flowed freely at that point. A few minutes later she told me that she had felt prompted the night before, while talking on the phone to another friend, Tiffany, to say, "I feel like we need to pray for Amy. I think she is struggling with something." She and Tiffany told me that they had both prayed for me the night before. It meant so much to me that my friends were in tune enough with the Spirit to be able to ask the Lord to strengthen me the night before I was about to have one of the lowest days of BK's deployment. Upon being reminded of the Lord's love for me, my burden was lifted and I felt sincere happiness for the first time in a long time. I hope that I will never ignore the Spirit's promptings to pray for others. I am so grateful that my friends prayed for me when prompted to--even though they had no other evidence to prove that I actually needed help. This was an answer to my prayers because just the night before, I had asked the Lord to forgive me for not being so diligent in saying my personal prayers. This experience was a powerful witness to me about how quick the Lord is to forgive and bless us. All we have to do is ask Him. Without the Lord, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything in the last 15 months without BK. I would have been a complete wreck. I love the Lord with all my heart, and I am eternally grateful for the help I have continually received from Him in my life, even when I have been less-deserving." Winter term ended, and I began my kindergarten student teaching in May (Another drama-fest in and of itself, right, Emily?). I couldn't believe that I was almost done with college! It had gone by so fast!
And then one day I got the phonecall I had been waiting for.
