A fortune cookie I got around this time
BK absolutely freaked when I asked him if he wanted to come visit me during Christmas break. I didn't really understand why, but eventually the truth surfaced. If we were planning on getting married next summer, then probably around that time we would want to talk to my dad and start planning a proposal, but he was having doubts about the whole thing, and so he felt he was having to make a decision about it in September for something that didn't need to be decided right then--or something like that--it still doesn't quite make sense to me, but whatever, BK.
After hearing him express doubt about the situation, I was absolutely livid. You'll remember it was BK that brought up this whole marriage thing in the first place, and I was finally on board with it, and then he changed his mind? Oh. I. Was. Mad.
But we didn't break up.
But things just kept going downhill. He would take me home at night and would kiss me. Afterward, I would say, "Okay, so you must be feeling better about things." And he would say, "No, not really." Needless to say, BK got a lot of car doors slammed on him during those weeks.
For some reason, men just seem to have the hardest time committing to anything. It's like he wanted some sort of angel to come down sounding a golden trumpet announcing that it was right for this relationship to progress. I didn't understand what was so hard about it. We had many experiences in which we felt we were absolutely meant for each other, and many other sacred expriences where we felt the Lord's approval on the matter. What else did he want?
After having this conversation several times, we finally broke up. He claims to this day that it was a mutual break-up--but we know whose fault it really was, right?
On October 17, 2002, I wrote in my journal:
"BK and I broke up a couple days ago. We're "just best friends" right now while he tries to figure out what it is he wants. At first I was kinda frustrated but I have so much faith that this is what's right--to be with him forever--and so I'm going to try extra hard to have the Spirit with me so that I'll know the best things to do and say. Anyway, tomorrow night we're going to homecoming. It's always fun to dress up! So I'm excited to do my hair and get all pretty tomorrow. Who knows--maybe Elder P. will be impressed!"
Yes, I know you're wondering why in the world we were still planning on going to homecoming together. We already had bought the tickets, and honestly, I was hoping that after having some sort of magical evening together that he would realize the whole break-up thing was ridiculous.
I spent hours getting ready and making sure everything was perfect. He came to pick me up, and I'm pretty sure his jaw dropped, and then he said, "Wow. You look good. I mean you look really good, Amy." And then unfortunately for him he said words that will probably haunt him the rest of his mortal (and possibly longer) existence: "You should wear that much make-up everyday!" Why are men so stupid sometimes? Anyway.
We went to his apartment to meet with the rest of the group. And we took some pictures together. BK unfortunately ruined the best one of the bunch by adding a little "accessory" to his ensemble that I had no idea about until I got the picture developed.
Anyway, so we had dinner with some friends, and then went to the dance. BK was acting like everything was back to normal, and so I figured that when he took me home that we would talk about it and get back together. We pulled up to my dorms, and he said he had a great time and would see me later. That was it?! I was so mad.I immediately started crying of course. (Remember how I said it was an absolute non-stop dramafest with me?) I expressed to him my concern about how right I felt about everything, and how scary it was to me that he chould make the wrong choice and that I would be confused about the whole thing the rest of my life. I had brought along plan "b." I pulled out my journal (which if you haven't figured out by now, I wrote in it every day from the time we started talking until the time we got married--how else did you think I remembered all this!) and handed it to him and asked him to read it over the next few days. He had accused me of not expressing my feelings to him about things in the past, and so I figured that if he wanted to know what my true feelings were, he was more than welcome to read it.
We had plans the next day to watch the homecoming game together. But honestly I was a little tired of the whole "just best friends" thing already. (My wise father, The Colonel, has often been quoted to say, "Boys and girls are never just friends." Like I said, he's really wise.)Why should he get to have his cake and eat it too? I woke up that morning still feeling just sick about the whole thing. I called one of BK's roommates and asked him if he would get another roommate, come get me, and give me a blessing.
It was probably one of the most inspired and inspiring blessings I ever received in my life up until that point. I was directed that I need not worry about BK. The Lord would take care of giving him the answers he needed. I was assured that BK and I would be together forever, that we would have the most beautiful family together, that the Lord had guided us together and that He would keep us together as long as we stayed close to Him. I felt at complete peace with the situation. The roommates took me home, and BK came a little while later to pick me up for the game, not knowing of what had just happened.
I completely ignored him during the entire game. I flirted with other guys there. Another roommate of his made me dinner and we ate together. When I got home I wrote a note and put it on my phone. It said, "Dear Amy, Do NOT call BK. Love, Amy." I enlisted my roommate Kathryn's help with this matter. If he wanted to make a decision about whether or not he wanted me in his life, he was going to have to do it completely without me.
It only took him a day and a half to figure out I was not calling him anymore. And he left a message telling me how upset he was about that. We had plans to go to St. George a couple weeks later for his sister's wedding, and he was wanting to know if I was still planning on going.
I wrote him an email and said something to effect of, "Are you kidding me? You think I'm going to your sister's wedding with you? You just broke up with me. I'm not going to go meet your entire extended family as "Oh, this is just my friend Amy. Absolutely not."
I held strong to my rules. I went out on several dates that week and encouraged BK to do the same (however he never did). I made sure also that all dates I went on somehow connected to a roommate or friend of his so that he would be sure to find out about it. :) I am a sneaky little creature sometimes.
A few days later I received an email from BK:
"Its been kind of weird the last couple of days not talking to you very much or hanging out with you since we have been doing both of those things for the past 5 or 6 months. I think it definitely is a good thing because like you said it will help me make my decision a lot easier and a lot sooner. I think being away from you will help me realize my true feelings for you. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about us and how our relationship has been. I read your letter and I have been reading your journal. I realized that we have had lots of good times together, and I think sometimes I forget those. I have decided that if it is right for us to be together again that I will do some things a lot better than I have done them in the past. I really wasn't very nice to you in our relationship and I didn't treat you as well as I should have. That was one reason that I thought it was better for us to be apart. I wasn't treating you very well and I was hurting and frustrating you quite often and I didn't feel very good doing that, so I didn't want to do that anymore. I figured if I was going to be with you that I needed to treat you like you should be treated, as a daughter of God. What I am saying is, is if we get back together that I will be so much better to you and treat you like you really should be treated. Guys in the past have not treated you very well and at times I wasn't treating you very well. You shouldn't have to put up with a guy who doesn't treat you like a princess, you deserve the best and I wasn't giving it to you. I am not down on myself or anything, the Spirit just helped me realize my errors in our relationship. Maybe I just wasn't quite ready for a relationship, but at the same time I am very glad that we had it because I learned lots about relationships and about myself and how I can do better. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding in this situation, I know the Lord will help me realize what is the best for me and what his will is for me. You are a wonderful person and the Lord does have so many good things in store for you. If we do get back together, I will give you my 100% effort, I promise."
I thought things were definitely looking up in the email, but with still no word from him for several more days on an actual "answer"--I began to get discouraged again.
What if he was starting to realize that he could live without me?
