November 6, 2013

Sometimes Landon likes to take my ipod and sneak into my bathroom and take pictures of himself, apparently!
Speaking of Landon, I want to write a letter to him because I've been thinking about him tonight.

Landon,
My dear little boy--I cannot believe it is November already.  You've already been in school for several months.  And I still don't feel like I've fully made that transition in the way that I had intended to.  In my defense, it was hard to have a baby right before this.  Owen is a great baby, but he is still a baby... and so I'm just tired--so very tired.  I'm not as young as I was when I had you, and I feel like each time it takes me a little bit longer to jump back on the horse and do everything that I need to in order to make our family run smoothly.  I feel like I'm almost there--I've been making dinner more regularly and keeping the house clean and I've never been late to pick you up from school--despite Spencer being three and disagreeable.  But I know I'm not quite there yet.

Many times in the morning, I'm still in bed while you're getting ready for school.  Because I'm just so tired and my back hurts and your dad is really nice and told me he can take care of it.  You're still really excited to go to school and so you get up on your own and get dressed, but lately I can tell you're just a little bit overwhelmed with the whole getting ready for school routine and making it there on time.  And lately I've been thinking about how this needs to be the next thing that I tackle in life--getting up with you and helping you, even if it just means sitting on the couch to nurse the baby instead of laying in bed nursing the baby. I know that I need to be more present in your life, even if you're the easiest one right now.  You still need me.  And even though your dad does a great job in the morning, he's still not a mom.  He's juggling a lot of details with his job and so he forgets when it's library day or to pack a snack and a lunch.  Those are supposed to be my jobs, I know.  And I intend to make them my job again.  I can always jump back in bed after you leave and turn on an episode of Callou (I'm so sick of that show) for Spence and get some rest if I need to.

Because I get a lot of time with Spencer and Owen right now--but not with you.  But I do want you to know how much I've enjoyed being in Primary with you on Sundays the past year.  I hope that somehow the things that I've taught in sharing time have burrowed their way into your heart--because of all of the children, you're the one whose learning I care about the most, if I'm being honest.  I've enjoyed the extra time with you.  In January, heaven help us, Spencer will be joining us in the sunbeam class, and...yeah... we'll see how that goes...

Anyway, as I was thinking about what I need to do better as your mom this evening, I got a little frustrated with myself.  I wished that I could've been there for you more the past couple of months.  I had always envisioned that once you were in kindergarten I would get up every morning before you woke up and make you breakfast every day.  And so far, it's been you waking me up.  And I'm just really sorry.  It's hard being the oldest one--trust me, I know.  Your little brothers take up a lot of my patience and energy because they are still so little, and I know that it's unfair to you.  But please know now, and in the future, that I'm trying my best.  I love you with all of my heart, and I know you deserve the best mom in the universe.  I'm definitely not her, but I try every day to be a little bit better than I was the day before.  I may never make a habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to fry eggs and make waffles, but I hope you know that I love you and that I'm trying to be the best I know how.

After feeling a little bit discouraged, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing.  I hadn't read it in probably 3 or 4 years, I'm embarrassed to say--and it was a really neat experience.  It's funny how it can be so fitting to read it when you're 16, but then you read it at age 29 and it fits even more perfectly.  It's neat to read it as an actual mother and not just a potential mother--and to know how the counsel will help me to help you personally.  It helped to give me some "big picture" perspective and what I needed to focus on and change about myself.  It says such wonderful things about my children, and for many years I just had to imagine who they would be--but now I know, and it makes it even more special.  (And you're even better than I had imagined, by the way.)  I hope someday I get to the place that I want to be in life, and that you'll be patient with me as I get there.  As the oldest, you'll see me change the most as a mom--I'm a lot younger with you at any given stage than I am with your brothers--which is a good and a bad thing. But I know that you were first for a reason, and that you'll excel in life despite my shortcomings (because the Lord just makes up the difference that way), and I just get to be along for the ride!

My heart just bursts with love every time I think about how wonderful of a person you are.  You are so kind and so thoughtful, to me especially.  You made me a mother, and I will be forever grateful for that.  I see so much of myself in you, but it's like you're a much better version of me (probably because your dad is mixed in there somewhere to mellow you out a bit).  I hope we continue to understand each other the way that we do because it is such a blessing to me in my life.  And I hope that these sincere feelings that I have can work their way into the way I act on a daily basis.  Because you are so much more to me than just a problem to be solved, a mess to be cleaned, a blue folder to get into your backpack, or a mouth to feed.  And I want you to know that, not just because I said it in this lovely letter, but because I show you in my actions and the way I speak every day of your life.

Thank you for your patience and for just being you.  You add so much to our family, and your brothers are lucky to have you!

Love,
Mom

October 22, 2013

Right now Landon is at school, and Spencer is at mommy-preschool at a friend's house, and Owen is taking a nap.  Tuesdays are pretty great.  BK usually gets off work early on Tuesdays, too.  Today is Spencer's half-birthday (3 1/2!!), and so I will make him his signature pound cake with his great-grandfather's recipe.  Then we are going to carve pumpkins for the Family Home Evening we were unable to have yesterday. The sun in shining and it's not raining (it's been raining a lot lately) and I just think it's going to be a great day.

Right now my job at church is that I'm in charge of the children's sunday school classes.  (This job is called the Primary President.)  It's been a real challenge mainly just because there are so many classes, and it's hard to stay organized with everything--especially in the midst of running my own family.  But I have learned more with this calling than I have with any other so far. One thing in particular, is that I know the Lord is involved in the details of our lives.  Even the seemingly small ones.

I'm a busy person. (Everyone is.) It's been a disorganized year for our family--with my pregnancy and then having a baby and trying to figure out for the third time what the new "normal" looks like for our little family.  In the midst of that, I have dozens of primary children from church and all of their teachers and leaders that I constantly find on my mind.  When I have a problem to solve, it's hard for me to find the time to really focus clearly on what I need to do to solve it--because naptime is always too short, or my children are too impatient when I make more than one phonecall in a day, or somebody's hungry, and on and on and so forth.  But I have noticed a pattern.  When there's something that is truly, truly important, the Lord helps me know what to do quickly.  I just get impressions and thoughts, and they are clear as day, as if somebody is speaking to me directly, and I know exactly the direction I need to take.  When something can wait a while to be solved, I might not get such a clear answer, and the Lord gives me the opportunity to think about it during my jumbled life and lets me learn lessons about balancing my time and counseling with my counselors and praying and weighing pros and cons.

But sometimes, like I said, He just cuts to the chase and lets me off the hook and tells me what to do.  Because I think He knows I'm doing the best I can with my time that I have.  Last night I had an experience with that.  Since it involves other people and their personal lives, I can't share details here, but last night I was sitting on the couch chatting with BK about my day.  He started dozing off because Mondays are his long days--and so I was left to my own thoughts.  I had a specific thought about an experience I had had with Spencer a few months ago come to my mind for no reason.  Following that sudden change of train of thought, I felt the distinct impression that I was given that experience in life so that I could better relate to parents who had been through something similar.  And then the Spirit told me how this could apply to a specific person I was trying desperately to know how to help.  And it just clicked perfectly.  As if that wasn't enough, two minutes later, my cell phone beeped, indicating that I had a voicemail message.  For some reason it hadn't rang when she had called (probably because it would've interrupted the conversation I was having in my head...haha) but the voicemail message was from the person I had just been thinking about two minutes before. And so I called her back.  The experience with Spencer fit in perfectly to the conversation we were having and it helped us to have a positive conversation about the problem we were trying to figure out.  It was exactly what she needed to hear in that moment.  And I was left feeling extremely grateful that the Lord had given me the answer beforehand for how I needed to handle the situation.  Because He loves me, and He loves her.

I can't even tell you how many times this has happened in the past year.  I have never felt inspiration so strongly in my life, and it has been a powerful lesson to me about how much the Lord really does love His children--the little ones, especially.  He cares about the details of their lives, and so He lets people know through inspiration how best to take care of them. It really is true. :)

October 14, 2013

Just a garble of random thoughts for the week:

• Landon and a friend were playing at recess, and his friend decided to, in Landon's word, "be a rock-throwing alien" and pegged Landon in the side of the face.  We took him to the doctor and got the wound glued shut.  But I was impressed with several people in this situation.  #1 The school nurse.  She took such good care of him until I came and got him.  She bandaged him all up and was so sweet to him.  #2 Landon.  I asked him if he was mad at the boy who threw the rock, and he immediately said, "No.  He's my friend.  He didn't mean to.  He gave me a hug and told me he was sorry.  I'm sad I don't get to play with him at recess for a few days." (The boy lost recess privileges for a few days.) #3 The boy's mom.  This woman gave the school nurse her phone number and told her to pass it along to me.  I called her and she apologized profusely and offered to pay for the medical bills.  We told her no, but it was really nice of her to offer.  She sat down with her son and had him write Landon the sweetest letter to give to him the next day.  It just made me tear up that there really are good people out there who handle things with class and dignity. It made it a lot easier to not get upset about the situation.  Landon's all better now.  I hope I never have to get a call from the school nurse again!!
• We had my primary presidency and their families over last night for dinner.  It was great fun. I am so SO blessed to work with such wonderful, wonderful people.  We all get along so well, and I look forward to hanging out with them each week while we try to stay on top of teaching the children the Gospel.  It has truly been a huge blessing in my life to get to know each one of them.  I've been through 5, almost 6 counselors/secretaries, and each combination has been outstanding, and such a huge blessing to me in my life.  It doesn't always go that way, and so I'm just so thankful that it has for all of us.  I'm thankful that the Lord has brought so many wonderful examples into my life.
• Spencer somehow miraculously did not get in trouble once while they were all here.  He played nicely with all the other kids for 3 hours.  I was floored.  He really is growing up.  I told him I was so proud of him for playing nicely with the babies, and he said, "I trying, Momma.  I trying."  I know he is.  He's a great little guy.
• At least once throughout my day, I still get so excited to be living in our house.  BK and I were married for many years before we finally got to buy a house, and it's better than I could've imagined.  It's not our dream home by any means, but it's got plenty of room to grow into, and I just remember the day we walked through it and I just knew it was meant for us to raise our babies in for a few years.  Before we closed on it, I used to find excuses to drive down to go look at it.  The builder would give me the key, and the boys and I would just play/sit in the empty living room and imagine how fantastic it was going to be when we moved in.  In fact, one of those times, we were upstairs figuring out whose room would be whose, and Spencer took his first steps in the hallway up there.   It's been perfect for our family, and I'm just so happy with it.  
• Today Landon had the day off (Columbus day?).  I have already forgotten how different it is when he's home on a weekday!  It was actually really fun.  He likes to tell me all about animals he's learned about from books or TV or whatever.  So while I cleaned bathrooms today, I was interrupted a few times to look up facts about cheetahs on wikipedia because I couldn't answer his questions.  (What animal does hunt cheetahs??)  He also built several lego guys and told me all about how they have "jet repulsion" packs and how they use a telescope to see "so far.  they can see... from texas to UTAH, Mom."   I can tell he gets painfully bored hanging out with me and babies, and he's totally ready to go back to school tomorrow, but it was nice to have his company today to chat with me while I got things done.
• Owen is of course still so awesome. I love 3 month olds.  They're just so...not chaotic.  And I feel like this time I am appreciating that more than ever before.  I love how I can be at the end of my rope with the other two, but then he just smiles at me for no reason (maybe because as far as he can tell I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen because I feed him all the time?  Who knows.) and I just melt. And then I laugh because he looks just like Spencer.  And then I go find whatever mess the real Spencer has made, and it doesn't seem like quite as big of a deal.  I have really enjoyed having his calm presence in our home.  He makes me feel like I could have ten more babies (I won't.) and just love every minute of it.  But you can ask me that again in about 10 months when he starts walking and I will have probably scaled that number back a bit...
• Well, I'm off to cut out some elephant games for preschool tomorrow! It's been a great week so far! :)

October 8, 2013

We have a pretty good time--those two and me--while we kick it at home during Landon's school day.  Spencer is...learning to be a good big brother and a good helper, and Owen is of course just a happy, smiley 3 month old, as most 3 month olds are in my experience.

The other day, I got into some argument with Spencer about going potty. (Just give it up already, Spencer!! I WILL end up winning in the end!!) I can't really remember the details, but I think it involved him having an accident right after I asked him if he needed to go potty, and then him having to sit on the potty for awhile. (sidenote: trust me, folks.  We've already been through sticker charts, ice cream treats, earning coins, a gumball machine, and any other positive reinforcement I can think of... He knows how to go potty and he knows he's supposed to AND he refuses to wear diapers or pull-ups... it's time for him to just grow up and do it and quit having accidents--thus, the "harsh" sitting on the potty episode.)

Well, this did not make him very happy. (Well, DUH, why didn't you think of that BEFORE you peed in your undies?!?) He sat in there and cried for awhile, and I regained my composure and then went in to discuss the matter calmly with him.  Through his tears, he told me pitifully, "Mama...you's huwt my feewings!"

I apologized for hurting his "feewings" but told him I needed him to be a big boy like he had done before and just go potty when he needed to, instead of having accidents.  He said, "I didn't mean to, mama.  I pwomise I won't do it!"  (yeah...right.  But I appreciate his in-the-moment sincerity anyway.)

I decided we needed to do something to help him feel successful and loved and worthwhile, since he's been so frustrated with himself about the potty thing.  I asked him if he wanted to watch some of his birthday videos.  He agreed through his sniffles.

We turned on his baby video, and he sat on my lap and watched it.  I talked to him about how awesome he is and told him the stories of all the pictures he asked about.  As I watched it, I teared up with gratitude that I get to be this little guy's mom.  I know that I don't even know the half of his personality yet.  (He is more than the sum of his potty accidents, after all, you know!) I know he has talents that neither of us know yet.  I know he is smart and funny and loves to draw and create things.  But I'm just so excited to see what that all turns into over the next many years.  He's just such a cute little thing.

Off to pick him up from mommy-preschool!! :)

September 26, 2013

When did I all of the sudden have three kids?  It still seems surreal when I post pictures of three kids, instead of just one, or even any at all.  It seems like the more kids I have, the faster that life goes.  It's harder to stay on top of everything in my life with three children, but in a way, it helps balance life that I can't spend too much time overly worrying about one thing, because something new is bound to pop up at any given moment.  There is always a need to be filled, a cheek to be kissed, a tear to wipe away... it's chaotic, but it's a good kind of chaos mostly.  

This week has been one where I've just felt like my best wasn't good enough--that I lack patience and understanding, and a whole list of other things.  But I just keep praying that I'll find it in myself to find patience and understanding that I didn't know that I had.  Because I know it's there, I just have to wrap my mind around this new "normal" and figure out how best I fit into all of it.  

I would expound, but it's time to go pick Landon up from school! (See what I mean about not having a ton of time to get overly worked up about one thing?!) Spending time in the car-line at first was a huge chore, but based on the suggestion of a friend, I started using that time to read my scriptures.  I pack a snack for Spencer, and we sit in the car for 10 or 15 minutes, waiting until 3:20 when Landon actually gets out, and I read the Book of Mormon and write my thoughts on the chapter I read.  It's actually really nice to have 10-15 minutes that I'm literally strapped into my seat unable to be distracted by anything else-- a nice peaceful moment before all three kids are reunited for the last part of the day while I'm trying to make dinner and nurse a baby and all the rest of everything else... 

I'm really looking forward to the Relief Society Broadcast on Saturday.  I think it will be the perfect timing for me to just sit and listen to some happy, positive words, at the end of a long week.  My heart is definitely open and in need of some encouragement, and I know I'll find it there!! I don't often just get to sit and listen in church anymore... three kids in sacrament meeting, so that explains that, and then being in primary with the kids (which I love, but still...)... I'm just really looking forward to it!!

Off to the car line I go!!

September 19, 2013

Dearest children of mine,

I should be tending to your every need right this moment, but instead I'm writing you a letter to record what's going on right this moment.  Let's see, where to start... Owen is currently in his swing fussing.  He's been fussy for the past 24 hours, probably because I keep sprinkling crushed red pepper on everything I eat.  So apparently I'll need to give that up for awhile.  Or maybe he's just disagreeable today.  I can't really blame him.

Landon.  I woke up at 6:30am this morning to go to your parent-teacher conference at 7am.  Of course it was all good news.  And actually I really have no complaints about you right now.  You're busy playing super mario brothers on the wii because I've given up for the day.

Spencer.  GOOD HEAVENS.  You chose not to take a nap today, and instead squirreled around in your room.  So right now you're in that super-annoying mode where you're so tired that you're hyper as all get-out.  So charming.  Currently you're harassing the dog and jumping all over the couch even though I've asked you literally FIVE TIMES to stop.  It's only 5:57pm, and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it until 7pm. Instead I'll probably just put you to bed in 3 minutes.

Children, children, children.  Your father has been working late on Mondays and Thursdays. (And recently got a new calling at church with the youth!  Goodbye, Wednesdays, too!)  Because he got an opportunity to make more money.  And life is all about the benjamins.  Well, not really.  But guess what?  It's expensive to have children, as it turns out.  Namely, your hospital bills.  Dearest Owen, you are cute, but you ended up costing us FOUR TIMES the amount in medical bills than we were expecting.  Small oversight in the insurance fine print on our part.  So we gotta pay that off.  So yes, all of you fussy, disobedient children I have, I also had to pay thousands of dollars for... hmmm.

Anyway, I hope you know that I still love you. But just so you know, being a mom is rough sometimes.  I'm a human being, too, with my own needs and wants.  I give those up on a daily basis for you--and sometimes I just need to pitch a mini-fit about it, which is what I'm doing right now.  But in a moment, I'll take a deep breath and tell myself to grow up and quit being selfish and learn to make it to the end of a day without losing it.  And then I'll check on you when you are asleep like little angels, and I'll feel bad for being mad at you because you'll be all innocent and darling curled up with your blankies.  And I'll wake up in the morning and try again because I know that you need me.

But trust me, as soon as you are in bed, there is a half gallon of Happy Tracks Blue Bell Ice Cream with my name written ALL OVER IT.

All my love,
Mom

September 1, 2013

Our dearest Landon started kindergarten this last week.  He was definitely ready and excited to go.  He let me walk him to class the first two days, but definitely had no issue whatsoever with me leaving.  He's mad he doesn't get to go to school tomorrow (Labor Day.)  I still can't believe he's old enough for me to just drop him off at the school doors and have him make his own way to his class and not get lost, but he can do it!

Neither of us cried, though I did feel my heart break as I turned around and left him on the first day. I thought about my feelings later, and I realized that I'm sad because I am not the person who spends most of his waking hours with him anymore.  And that's how it will be the rest of his life.  But I'm also so happy for him and that he gets to have new adventures with new people.  I'm just sad that 5 years went by faster than I could've possibly imagined.  But I'm happy to say that I really don't have any real regrets over the past five years. I've gotten to stay home with him and do all the things with him that I've wanted to.  Sure, in hindsight, I've made mistakes.  But along the way, I've reevaluated and made changes to my parenting whenever I noticed something wasn't working.  That's really all you can expect parents to do.  Mostly, I'm just really proud of him.  He's such a well-rounded, well-behaved little guy, and for the most part it has been a breeze to get him ready to go out into the "real world."  He's made friends extremely easily this first week, and his teacher and PE teacher both found me separately to tell me how sweet he is and how much they love teaching him already.  As a former kindergarten teacher, I know that easy kids like Landon are much appreciated.  I do miss having my biggest helper around the house, but Spencer has actually risen to the occasion so far, and it's been a good change in pace for everyone to have a new routine to settle into.

Spencer will be doing a little co-op preschool with a couple of friends starting in a week or so.  He's very excited that he got to buy a backpack.  I'm excited for him to get a little more practice with making friends and following directions.  As much of a handful as that kid is, he is one of the most charming creatures, and I enjoy seeing his smiling face every day.  He's been soaking up all this extra "momma time" since Landon's been gone, and Owen still sleeps most of the day.  He is a cuddly little thing, and while that means that somedays I don't get everything done on my list, I'm completely fine with that.  They get too big, too fast.

Owen continues to be a dream-baby.  He is so mellow and just so good.  He sleeps through the night and is pleasant to be around almost all of the time.  He's so chubby and cheerful, and it's just a joy to have him in our family.  He's started smiling at me when I get him out of his crib in the morning, and that's just about the best thing ever.

Life is good. :)