December 13, 2012

Dearest third baby of mine,

Here you are at 12 weeks:

I could've sat there in the doctor's office watching you flip around and wave your arms and suck on your fingers all day.  But Spencer's sucker I gave him would only last so long, and the ultrasound technician kept giving me dirty looks because Spencer kept looking at/touching expensive equipment (notetoself: he will NEVER come to another appt of mine AGAIN.  Anyway, back to you.)

I was worried about you before this appointment.  This pregnancy has felt so different to me, and so I wondered if you were okay--if you even still existed.  But the second your tiny little body flashed up on the screen, and I saw you moving around doing somersaults, I felt peace again that everything was okay.

It was like magic--watching you move around on the television, but being absolutely unable to feel any of it.  And the rest of the day I've just been thinking about how you're probably flipping around doing all sorts of secret things, and I have no idea.  That won't last for long of course. 

I watched your tiny little heart beating and pumping.  And then the technician turned on the sound--I didn't know I was far enough along to be able to actually hear it--but there it was--the magical whoosh-whoosh sound of a tiny little baby heartbeat.  169 bpm.

I went out with some friends tonight, and I drove back through the new road in the back of our subdivison--where they haven't put in streetlights in yet, and so it's really, really dark.  I looked up at just the right moment to see a shooting star fall from the sky.  It just seemed like the perfect ending for a perfect day. (Today wasn't really perfect--just to be clear.  Your older brothers have about driven me mad--and my house is trashed--and we ate Walmart pizza for dinner. But everything about you today really WAS perfect! Except that Spencer was at the doctor's office because of a slight miscommunication between your father and me about his availability to be at the aforementioned appointment... anyway.)

Anyway, thank you for being so wonderful and bringing so much joy to my life already, even though we haven't met yet.  I'm so looking forward to it.  6ish more months! :)

Love,
Mom

December 11, 2012

I of course meant to write about this weeks ago before I forgot all the details, but better late than never!

Back in October I had some blood tests done that confirmed the fertility medication that I was on was working.  It didn't mean it was pregnant, but it meant I was on the right track.

Several days before the day I had chosen to take a pregnancy test, I got in my usual funk.  I just wanted to hurry up and take the test and get the negative test, and then mope around and then get over it.  I didn't want to prolong that for several more days.  Maybe it would even be positive a few days later, but at least I would have already prepared myself for the worst.

I was in the middle of sewing Halloween costumes and could distract myself no longer.  BK was on a phonecall or something, and I slipped away to take the test.  I said a prayer that when it was negative that I would get over it quickly.

Only a few seconds later I found myself staring in disbelief at this:

I think I was too shocked to even cry or shout for joy.  I was literally dumbfounded.  This was the third time in my entire life I had ever gotten a positive pregnancy test.  

I wanted to wait to tell BK in some cute way.  But I am horrible at keeping secrets.  My sisters were the first to find out--via a txt message with the picture.  I told a couple of other friends, mainly to get ideas about how to surprise BK.  Finally, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to keep such a happy thing from him.  I wrote a little note that said "Baby P #3 June 2013" and wrapped the test in it and stuck it under his pillow.  He finally came to bed and found it.  He was, of course, thrilled.

I spent the next couple of days in a wonderful, happy fog.  Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me.  He had heard my prayers.  He had a plan for me.  He always had, and I should've had more faith.  But isn't that always the case?

Several weeks later found me, BK, and Spencer in a doctor's office getting an ultrasound.  There on the screen was one tiny bean with a beating heart.  Such a miracle.  Even though this is the third time, it doesn't ever take away from that miraculous moment.  

I have felt more tired this pregnancy than either of the two before, but I haven't thrown up once! That almost makes me nervous that maybe something is wrong, but I'll have another ultrasound on Thursday that will hopefully lay my paranoia to rest.  I have plenty of other ridiculous pregnancy symptoms keeping me company, I should just be grateful that vomiting all day long like the last two isn't on that list, I suppose!

Anyway, even a couple of months later, this all still feels like a dream to me.  It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that in about 6 1/2 months, I'll have a warm, snuggly, helpless, divinely-smelling newborn to hold.  I'm just so, so grateful I get to do it all again.  

November 11, 2012

Dearest Landon Keith,

Since you came into the world four-and-half years ago, you have made many life-long dreams of mine come true.  As cheesy as that sounds, I'm not going to apologize for it because it's absolutely true.

I wanted to tell you quickly about another one today.

For many years, even before I married your lovely father, I thoroughly enjoyed the yearly primary program at church.  I especially loved watching the sunbeam boys feign reverence for an hour and a half.  I always wished that someday I would be lucky enough to have a sunbeam boy in the primary program.  There were years I wondered if I ever would.

But today, as I sat in the audience and watched you there, sitting with your sunbeam class in the program, I teared up remembering how many of these I had seen without you in them.  And I was so proud of you.  You  looked like such a little stud! So reverent, and you even knew all the words to the songs!

In all of my sunbeam-boy-coveting in the past, I never could have dreamed of how perfect my little four year old boy would be.  You're everything I've ever wanted in a son and more.  You're such a good big brother to Spencer. ("MOM. Don't let him play with the fly swatter!! It has DISEASES on it!!")  You look out for your dad.  ("But, Mom, shouldn't we save some of this candy for Dad so HE can have some when he gets home from work?")  You take such good care of me when I'm not feeling well. ("Mom, do you need to lay down and take a rest and read your favorite book? I'll come snuggle with you and watch a show in your bed and take care of you.")

Anyway, just wanted you to know that today I was thinking of you and what a wonderful blessing you are in my life.  Thank you for being such a wonderful little sunbeam in the primary program today.  It was an answer to many prayers long ago--as is your presence in our family, in general.

I'm so glad I get to be your mom.

Love,
Mom

October 31, 2012

These two have kept me quite busy lately!

As you can see, we're potty-training Spence, and actually it's going MUCH better than I had anticipated.  So that was a lovely surprise in my life for sure.

Landon and Spencer have been playing together this morning.  Playing and fighting together.  It's exhausting to me to try to teach them how to get along with each other sometimes.  When do I step in? When do I just let them hash it out?  When do I stick up for Spencer? When do I stick up for Landon?  GOOD GRIEF CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

At one point, after their 304934th argument over a yellow truck, I packed them both up and stuck them in their room.  I needed a time-out. It really was Landon's fault, but in this situation, I didn't want to single him out. I know how frustrating younger siblings can be, so I do feel bad for him sometimes, even when he snaps at Spencer.

Anyway, after the crying, weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth subsided, I talked to Landon about it, and had them apologize to each other.  They snuggled right up together on Spencer's bed and just loved on each other and smiled and giggled.  That last appoxiamtely 0.0028 seconds and then they started wrestling, but nonetheless, I was reassured that they do still love each other.

Earlier this morning, the smallest rat invaded my pantry and found some leftover cookies.  He snuck them and two drinks upstairs, and when I finally caught wind of what was afoot, I found them having a lovely cookie and juice picnic together.  Landon said, "MOM! Spencer brought me a cookie and some juice! He is being SO GREAT!!"  It was hard to be mad at either of them for it, since I actually was super-impressed that Spencer had thought to share the contraband in the first place.

I was thinking about it today though, and I realized that all these little brother tiffs are important.  It's important that they learn how to communicate and get along with each other over "dumb" yellow trucks, so that when bigger issues arise in life or even their adult lives, they'll already have the foundation of forgiveness and mutual respect.  I hope they always love each other and try their best to get along.  It really does melt my heart when they do.  They are such a blessing to each other and to me, and I don't even remember what my life was without them.

October 26, 2012

I checked to see what pictures I had to post from the past few days, and the only two I had were of food.  Oops. Anyway, BK went to Walmart after scouts the other night to pick up some toothpaste, and he also decided to buy me a card and some dots.  But then I kept giving him all the yellow and green ones, and he wasn't too happy about that, but anyway, it was a nice surprise!

I found this lovely flavor of Blue Bell ice cream the other day, and MAN.  It is SO GOOD.

Yesterday was a fairly peaceful day.  I did the finished touches on the boys' Halloween costumes.  We picked Landon up from preschool.  We came home, and Spence went down for a nap.  Landon went outside to play, and I put on a show for me to watch in the living room.

I found that after a few minutes, I was actually watching Landon out the window than I was the show, so I paused it to watch him for a minute.  He was playing with the basketball hoop and chatting with himself.  And all of the sudden it hit me (for 50 millionth time I'm sure) that someday he is going to grow up and LEAVE me.  A few tears escaped my eyes, I must admit.  My life is so much about him and his younger version, that I just know a time will come when I will look outside my living room window and wish that there was still a chubby-cheeked 4-year-old boy playing outside and chatting with himself.  

It's so cliche, but he seriously was just a newborn baby yesterday, I promise.  The other day Landon was looking through some of my blog books, and he was enamored with looking at baby pictures of himself.  He showed one to me, and it had probably been several months since I had laid my eyes on a newborn Landon picture. 

My heart skipped a beat, and I thought "There's my Landon. This little mewing, cuddly baby.  Who is this grown-up boy looking at his picture??  When did this happen??"

I had a lovely chat with Melanie last night on our way home from our volleyball game.  We were talking about enjoying babies while they're babies.  While I'm excited to someday move past this stage and have my youngest child be Landon's age and take on a new set of stress and problems--I'm also excited to be in the stage that I'm in.  I'm not done yet.  I'll still hopefully get to snuggle another baby or two and watch the whole process start over again. 

Because it just goes way too fast.

As much as I want to encourage my children to find independence and the value of hard work, I still have a very soft and tender place for my little, tiny babies.  The ones that grew inside of me.  The ones I rocked and nursed during the wee hours of the morning.  The ones I smothered with good-smelling lotions and dressed in soft, footed pajamas.  They're so simple and lovely.  And I'll always love babies for that.

But someday those babies grow up, and they learn how to dress themselves and talk and walk and they become so talented and independent.... and they move away.  

I hope I never ever forget all the little details of my babies.

October 19, 2012

Today, so far:

BK and I were both up pretty late last night with stuffy/runny noses.  So we watched The Voice and then attempted to breathe/sleep. Spence decided to wake up at 5:45am, so I'm dragging a bit today, but so far, it's been a good day, nonetheless.  Potty-training successes, children playing together upstairs without the TV on, a good salad for lunch, and plans for going to a volleyball game later and then hosting company for the weekend.  Dan and his new fiancee Dawn are coming for a night.  We're excited to see them.

I had more to say, however Landon is having a particularly sensitive/crying day (he has really been struggling lately with being frustrated ALL the TIME) and he is now crying outside about his remote control car "not working" for the seventh time today.  

Like I said, it's been overall a good day, but good heavens, sometimes children can be frustrating when they're tired/frustrated when I'm tired.

Better go fix the dumb car for the eighth time...

October 18, 2012

This week several important events have occured so far.

First, we found Evie's missing hat.  But now Spencer doesn't want to give it back.  Good thing she's in Arizona.

I started our food storage. Mainly just because I was tired of the 34038 jars of apple pie filling taking up my whole pantry... but I suppose there's other good reasons to have it, too.

Spencer realized he loves my button collection more than anything else in the world.

He makes a ginormous mess with them.

But he loves them.

On account of Landon being bored and moping and whining around the house, I decided to pull out some of my old teacher supplies and start teaching him how to read.  Not surprisingly, he sort of already knows how to sound out words--but he had a fun time learning and writing "at" words.  We're going to move on to a different "word chunk" tomorrow. I'm glad he likes learning as much as he does.  It has and will make school such an easy transition for him when he's already confident about his abilities.  

Let's see... what else...

Oh yeah, I started some more diligent potty-training with Spence.  I forgot how annoying it is.  But changing diapers is also annoying--well, it's actually pretty convenient, but it IS expensive.  And I just keep thinking that I'll love myself for doing this when I finally do get pregnant and become sick for 5 months, and not have to change diapers.  Right??

I got my blood test results and the medication is regulating my hormones the way it is supposed to, and so there will be no need to double the dosage should we need another round of meds.  This was a huge answer to my prayers.  It would be an even bigger answer for me to not have to HAVE another round of meds and to just jump straight into morning sickness instead... but we still have some time before we find that out.  Trying to stay positive about it. :)