October 14, 2013

Just a garble of random thoughts for the week:

• Landon and a friend were playing at recess, and his friend decided to, in Landon's word, "be a rock-throwing alien" and pegged Landon in the side of the face.  We took him to the doctor and got the wound glued shut.  But I was impressed with several people in this situation.  #1 The school nurse.  She took such good care of him until I came and got him.  She bandaged him all up and was so sweet to him.  #2 Landon.  I asked him if he was mad at the boy who threw the rock, and he immediately said, "No.  He's my friend.  He didn't mean to.  He gave me a hug and told me he was sorry.  I'm sad I don't get to play with him at recess for a few days." (The boy lost recess privileges for a few days.) #3 The boy's mom.  This woman gave the school nurse her phone number and told her to pass it along to me.  I called her and she apologized profusely and offered to pay for the medical bills.  We told her no, but it was really nice of her to offer.  She sat down with her son and had him write Landon the sweetest letter to give to him the next day.  It just made me tear up that there really are good people out there who handle things with class and dignity. It made it a lot easier to not get upset about the situation.  Landon's all better now.  I hope I never have to get a call from the school nurse again!!
• We had my primary presidency and their families over last night for dinner.  It was great fun. I am so SO blessed to work with such wonderful, wonderful people.  We all get along so well, and I look forward to hanging out with them each week while we try to stay on top of teaching the children the Gospel.  It has truly been a huge blessing in my life to get to know each one of them.  I've been through 5, almost 6 counselors/secretaries, and each combination has been outstanding, and such a huge blessing to me in my life.  It doesn't always go that way, and so I'm just so thankful that it has for all of us.  I'm thankful that the Lord has brought so many wonderful examples into my life.
• Spencer somehow miraculously did not get in trouble once while they were all here.  He played nicely with all the other kids for 3 hours.  I was floored.  He really is growing up.  I told him I was so proud of him for playing nicely with the babies, and he said, "I trying, Momma.  I trying."  I know he is.  He's a great little guy.
• At least once throughout my day, I still get so excited to be living in our house.  BK and I were married for many years before we finally got to buy a house, and it's better than I could've imagined.  It's not our dream home by any means, but it's got plenty of room to grow into, and I just remember the day we walked through it and I just knew it was meant for us to raise our babies in for a few years.  Before we closed on it, I used to find excuses to drive down to go look at it.  The builder would give me the key, and the boys and I would just play/sit in the empty living room and imagine how fantastic it was going to be when we moved in.  In fact, one of those times, we were upstairs figuring out whose room would be whose, and Spencer took his first steps in the hallway up there.   It's been perfect for our family, and I'm just so happy with it.  
• Today Landon had the day off (Columbus day?).  I have already forgotten how different it is when he's home on a weekday!  It was actually really fun.  He likes to tell me all about animals he's learned about from books or TV or whatever.  So while I cleaned bathrooms today, I was interrupted a few times to look up facts about cheetahs on wikipedia because I couldn't answer his questions.  (What animal does hunt cheetahs??)  He also built several lego guys and told me all about how they have "jet repulsion" packs and how they use a telescope to see "so far.  they can see... from texas to UTAH, Mom."   I can tell he gets painfully bored hanging out with me and babies, and he's totally ready to go back to school tomorrow, but it was nice to have his company today to chat with me while I got things done.
• Owen is of course still so awesome. I love 3 month olds.  They're just so...not chaotic.  And I feel like this time I am appreciating that more than ever before.  I love how I can be at the end of my rope with the other two, but then he just smiles at me for no reason (maybe because as far as he can tell I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen because I feed him all the time?  Who knows.) and I just melt. And then I laugh because he looks just like Spencer.  And then I go find whatever mess the real Spencer has made, and it doesn't seem like quite as big of a deal.  I have really enjoyed having his calm presence in our home.  He makes me feel like I could have ten more babies (I won't.) and just love every minute of it.  But you can ask me that again in about 10 months when he starts walking and I will have probably scaled that number back a bit...
• Well, I'm off to cut out some elephant games for preschool tomorrow! It's been a great week so far! :)

October 8, 2013

We have a pretty good time--those two and me--while we kick it at home during Landon's school day.  Spencer is...learning to be a good big brother and a good helper, and Owen is of course just a happy, smiley 3 month old, as most 3 month olds are in my experience.

The other day, I got into some argument with Spencer about going potty. (Just give it up already, Spencer!! I WILL end up winning in the end!!) I can't really remember the details, but I think it involved him having an accident right after I asked him if he needed to go potty, and then him having to sit on the potty for awhile. (sidenote: trust me, folks.  We've already been through sticker charts, ice cream treats, earning coins, a gumball machine, and any other positive reinforcement I can think of... He knows how to go potty and he knows he's supposed to AND he refuses to wear diapers or pull-ups... it's time for him to just grow up and do it and quit having accidents--thus, the "harsh" sitting on the potty episode.)

Well, this did not make him very happy. (Well, DUH, why didn't you think of that BEFORE you peed in your undies?!?) He sat in there and cried for awhile, and I regained my composure and then went in to discuss the matter calmly with him.  Through his tears, he told me pitifully, "Mama...you's huwt my feewings!"

I apologized for hurting his "feewings" but told him I needed him to be a big boy like he had done before and just go potty when he needed to, instead of having accidents.  He said, "I didn't mean to, mama.  I pwomise I won't do it!"  (yeah...right.  But I appreciate his in-the-moment sincerity anyway.)

I decided we needed to do something to help him feel successful and loved and worthwhile, since he's been so frustrated with himself about the potty thing.  I asked him if he wanted to watch some of his birthday videos.  He agreed through his sniffles.

We turned on his baby video, and he sat on my lap and watched it.  I talked to him about how awesome he is and told him the stories of all the pictures he asked about.  As I watched it, I teared up with gratitude that I get to be this little guy's mom.  I know that I don't even know the half of his personality yet.  (He is more than the sum of his potty accidents, after all, you know!) I know he has talents that neither of us know yet.  I know he is smart and funny and loves to draw and create things.  But I'm just so excited to see what that all turns into over the next many years.  He's just such a cute little thing.

Off to pick him up from mommy-preschool!! :)

September 26, 2013

When did I all of the sudden have three kids?  It still seems surreal when I post pictures of three kids, instead of just one, or even any at all.  It seems like the more kids I have, the faster that life goes.  It's harder to stay on top of everything in my life with three children, but in a way, it helps balance life that I can't spend too much time overly worrying about one thing, because something new is bound to pop up at any given moment.  There is always a need to be filled, a cheek to be kissed, a tear to wipe away... it's chaotic, but it's a good kind of chaos mostly.  

This week has been one where I've just felt like my best wasn't good enough--that I lack patience and understanding, and a whole list of other things.  But I just keep praying that I'll find it in myself to find patience and understanding that I didn't know that I had.  Because I know it's there, I just have to wrap my mind around this new "normal" and figure out how best I fit into all of it.  

I would expound, but it's time to go pick Landon up from school! (See what I mean about not having a ton of time to get overly worked up about one thing?!) Spending time in the car-line at first was a huge chore, but based on the suggestion of a friend, I started using that time to read my scriptures.  I pack a snack for Spencer, and we sit in the car for 10 or 15 minutes, waiting until 3:20 when Landon actually gets out, and I read the Book of Mormon and write my thoughts on the chapter I read.  It's actually really nice to have 10-15 minutes that I'm literally strapped into my seat unable to be distracted by anything else-- a nice peaceful moment before all three kids are reunited for the last part of the day while I'm trying to make dinner and nurse a baby and all the rest of everything else... 

I'm really looking forward to the Relief Society Broadcast on Saturday.  I think it will be the perfect timing for me to just sit and listen to some happy, positive words, at the end of a long week.  My heart is definitely open and in need of some encouragement, and I know I'll find it there!! I don't often just get to sit and listen in church anymore... three kids in sacrament meeting, so that explains that, and then being in primary with the kids (which I love, but still...)... I'm just really looking forward to it!!

Off to the car line I go!!

September 19, 2013

Dearest children of mine,

I should be tending to your every need right this moment, but instead I'm writing you a letter to record what's going on right this moment.  Let's see, where to start... Owen is currently in his swing fussing.  He's been fussy for the past 24 hours, probably because I keep sprinkling crushed red pepper on everything I eat.  So apparently I'll need to give that up for awhile.  Or maybe he's just disagreeable today.  I can't really blame him.

Landon.  I woke up at 6:30am this morning to go to your parent-teacher conference at 7am.  Of course it was all good news.  And actually I really have no complaints about you right now.  You're busy playing super mario brothers on the wii because I've given up for the day.

Spencer.  GOOD HEAVENS.  You chose not to take a nap today, and instead squirreled around in your room.  So right now you're in that super-annoying mode where you're so tired that you're hyper as all get-out.  So charming.  Currently you're harassing the dog and jumping all over the couch even though I've asked you literally FIVE TIMES to stop.  It's only 5:57pm, and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it until 7pm. Instead I'll probably just put you to bed in 3 minutes.

Children, children, children.  Your father has been working late on Mondays and Thursdays. (And recently got a new calling at church with the youth!  Goodbye, Wednesdays, too!)  Because he got an opportunity to make more money.  And life is all about the benjamins.  Well, not really.  But guess what?  It's expensive to have children, as it turns out.  Namely, your hospital bills.  Dearest Owen, you are cute, but you ended up costing us FOUR TIMES the amount in medical bills than we were expecting.  Small oversight in the insurance fine print on our part.  So we gotta pay that off.  So yes, all of you fussy, disobedient children I have, I also had to pay thousands of dollars for... hmmm.

Anyway, I hope you know that I still love you. But just so you know, being a mom is rough sometimes.  I'm a human being, too, with my own needs and wants.  I give those up on a daily basis for you--and sometimes I just need to pitch a mini-fit about it, which is what I'm doing right now.  But in a moment, I'll take a deep breath and tell myself to grow up and quit being selfish and learn to make it to the end of a day without losing it.  And then I'll check on you when you are asleep like little angels, and I'll feel bad for being mad at you because you'll be all innocent and darling curled up with your blankies.  And I'll wake up in the morning and try again because I know that you need me.

But trust me, as soon as you are in bed, there is a half gallon of Happy Tracks Blue Bell Ice Cream with my name written ALL OVER IT.

All my love,
Mom

September 1, 2013

Our dearest Landon started kindergarten this last week.  He was definitely ready and excited to go.  He let me walk him to class the first two days, but definitely had no issue whatsoever with me leaving.  He's mad he doesn't get to go to school tomorrow (Labor Day.)  I still can't believe he's old enough for me to just drop him off at the school doors and have him make his own way to his class and not get lost, but he can do it!

Neither of us cried, though I did feel my heart break as I turned around and left him on the first day. I thought about my feelings later, and I realized that I'm sad because I am not the person who spends most of his waking hours with him anymore.  And that's how it will be the rest of his life.  But I'm also so happy for him and that he gets to have new adventures with new people.  I'm just sad that 5 years went by faster than I could've possibly imagined.  But I'm happy to say that I really don't have any real regrets over the past five years. I've gotten to stay home with him and do all the things with him that I've wanted to.  Sure, in hindsight, I've made mistakes.  But along the way, I've reevaluated and made changes to my parenting whenever I noticed something wasn't working.  That's really all you can expect parents to do.  Mostly, I'm just really proud of him.  He's such a well-rounded, well-behaved little guy, and for the most part it has been a breeze to get him ready to go out into the "real world."  He's made friends extremely easily this first week, and his teacher and PE teacher both found me separately to tell me how sweet he is and how much they love teaching him already.  As a former kindergarten teacher, I know that easy kids like Landon are much appreciated.  I do miss having my biggest helper around the house, but Spencer has actually risen to the occasion so far, and it's been a good change in pace for everyone to have a new routine to settle into.

Spencer will be doing a little co-op preschool with a couple of friends starting in a week or so.  He's very excited that he got to buy a backpack.  I'm excited for him to get a little more practice with making friends and following directions.  As much of a handful as that kid is, he is one of the most charming creatures, and I enjoy seeing his smiling face every day.  He's been soaking up all this extra "momma time" since Landon's been gone, and Owen still sleeps most of the day.  He is a cuddly little thing, and while that means that somedays I don't get everything done on my list, I'm completely fine with that.  They get too big, too fast.

Owen continues to be a dream-baby.  He is so mellow and just so good.  He sleeps through the night and is pleasant to be around almost all of the time.  He's so chubby and cheerful, and it's just a joy to have him in our family.  He's started smiling at me when I get him out of his crib in the morning, and that's just about the best thing ever.

Life is good. :)

Welcome, Owen George!

I suppose I should write my third birth story before the details become lost in my sleep-deprived head...

My pregnancy with baby #3 progressed like the other two--in that, it didn't progress.  At 39 weeks, I still was not dilated or effaced.  And his head was still way, way high.  I decided to set an induction date for my due date the following week.

And so on Thursday around 4pm, BK and I headed to my doctor's office to have an EASI-cath put in.  (This is also called a Foley Catheter, and it's the same way I was induced with Spencer.  I highly recommend it!) It was, of course, an uncomfortable procedure, but you know what else is uncomfortable? Being 40 weeks pregnant.  The doctor got it in, and then we headed across the street to the hospital.  My doctor with Spencer let me go home at this point, but for some reason around here, they want to observe you and the baby.

We arrived at the hospital, and they brought me some dinner.  It actually wasn't half-bad. But BK still went to Chick-fil-a a little while later for second-dinner.  My food was going to be cut-off at midnight, so I needed to carb up!  BK and I hung out and watched TV.  It was pretty boring.  He fell asleep around 10:30pm, but I was way too excited to sleep.  I tried, but I just wanted things to get a move on.  I'll spare you the details, but around 2am, the EASI-cath fell out, which meant I was dilated to a 3-4ish.  I tried to get some rest after this, but contractions (although very mild and harmless) started coming pretty regularly.  They woke me up around 5am to shower.  After this, they started pitocin.

The baby immediately did not like the stronger contractions on the pitocin.  (Neither did Landon.  I never had to be on pit with Spence.)  So they dropped it down to a really, really low dose.  They checked me and I was still at a 4.

The doctor came in around 8, and I was still at a 4, maybe a 5.  He broke my water, and the nurses said they would check me again in two hours.  I decided it would probably be at that point that I would want an epidural.  I tried to get up and walk around as much as possible to move things along.

The contractions quickly became unbearable after my water broke.  I could tell he was starting to move down.  I checked the clock, and it was about 9am.  I felt silly calling them back in to check me when they had pretty much just left.  And I really didn't want to be stuck in bed half-paralyzed for very long.

However, I believe it was about 15 minutes later, that I paged them to request my epidural.  It took the anesthesiologist about 45 minutes to get there.  (Of course it did.) And I have never been in so much pain in my life.  I was reduced to tears and gripped the bedrails like there was no tomorrow and just tried not to scream at the top of my lungs.  I could feel him moving down, and I immediately panicked wondering if I had waited too long and wouldn't get the pain relief.  The contractions lasted about a minute and were about 2 minutes apart.

Finally the anesthesiologist showed up.  Unfortunately because the contractions were getting so close together and I was being rather uncooperative (not on purpose, but I could not even think straight because I was in so much pain--even though at this point they had completely turned off the pitocin--so he's telling me to round out my back, and I'm just trying not to pass out....) and fortunately after the THIRD TRY 35 minutes later he got the dang thing in.  And then I was feeling GREAT!!!

After the epidural had time to process, they checked me again, and I was at a 6 almost a 7.  Perfect timing! Over the next 2.5 hours, the baby became very picky about my positions.  His heartrate kept jumping around, and so I'd move into a different position and so on and so forth.  Finally the nurse checked me again and I was at an 8.

Then she said something like "Well, there is another way we can fix this heart problem.  Push during the next contraction and let's see if we can just get him out."

I pushed through two more contractions, and was fully dilated then.  They paged the doctor and had me push a couple more times.  The doctor showed up about 10 minutes later.  Three pushes later, our little baby boy was born at 1:53pm.  He immediately cried and pinked up.

Even though it was my third time experiencing this moment, it never ceases to amaze me what a miracle it truly is.  My first thought about him was that his cry sounded exactly like Spencer's.  And my second thought was being astonished at how big he was, and how much he looked like the other two newborns I've had the privilege of mothering.

We named him Owen George.  My grandfather's name is George, and since he is one of my favorite people, we decided to use that as Owen's middle name.  (All of my boys have family middle names.)  He was 8 lbs 13 oz and 21.5 in at birth.  He was immediately awake and alert.  Soon the rest of the family came to meet him.

Owen has been a calm, mellow baby so far.  My recovery went great until I got mastitis twice, and then I'm currently recovering from a head cold.  So that's been... great.  But besides that, it's been pretty easy. (Thank you, Netflix for raising my older children during the past three weeks...) I've been trying to soak in as much of the newborn-cuddling as I can.  I remember how quickly that stage disappears.  He just turned 3 weeks old today, and he's already so much bigger!  At his two-week appointment he weighed 9lbs 5oz.  (My other two were 8 lb 3 oz at that appointment.) so he's definitely a chunk so far! We just love him to death.

So far having three kids is manageable, but is definitely the hardest and most challenging thing I've done as a mother yet.  The other two are definitely not liking the lack of attention (and yet at the same time LOVING the lack of attention since it means they can make more messes...) and it's hard to even attempt to stay on top of everything.  But I know that it will come back together one day at a time.  It's a good problem to have, really.

And lastly, just for the record, newborn babies are the best.  It is so funny how quickly you forget how MISERABLE pregnancy is and how PAINFUL those last 40 minutes pre-epidural were, and you think to yourself (not completely seriously) "When can I do this again?"  (But seriously, I will need a LONG break to figure out how to regain control over the three that I have...) But I think the reason for that is, that giving birth and bringing a new baby into the family is one of those rare moments in life when you're really living. It's one of those moments where life just grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you to wake you up from the humdrum of your day-to-day life and lets you experience joy in its purest form. And the word "joy" doesn't even do it justice. Falling in love, weddings, babies--these are the rare memories you'll never forget for the rest of your life.  They're priceless really.

Anyway, welcome to our family, Owen.  I'm sorry your older brothers get in your face ALL. DAY. LONG.  Thank you for being so patient.  Thank you for all the snuggles.  I'm so glad you're here!

June 10, 2013

Dearest Spencer,

Several months ago you turned 3.  When did you grow up so fast??  Anyway. You're a great three-year-old.  I wanted to specifically tell you about today.  Because I think it might mean something to you years down the road.  

Our family has had a really hard time the past 9 months.  Your baby brother is almost here, but it's taken a lot out of your poor mother, which means every one has suffered in some way or another.  And you, along with your brother, have been having a really hard time the past couple of months in your various areas of weakness.  I have tried not to feel too guilty because I know I'm doing the very best I can, which isn't really great right now--but nonetheless, I feel certain somehow eventually Heavenly Father will help me pull things back together and we'll come through it all unscathed, but sometimes it's just hard knowing that you need more than I have right now.  

Your bright little spirit has picked up on the anxious and impatient nature of mine right now.  And you've been acting out.  You finally triumphantly figured out how to talk (!!yay!!) but communicating with your mouth as opposed to your pudgy little hands when you are angry is still a huge struggle for you.  Your father and I have banged our heads against a wall trying everything we can think of to help you figure this out.  And nothing has worked.  Today was one of those days where I just felt useless as a parent because I just did.not.know what to do about it.  The tricks up my sleeve have all been exhausted (and for crying out loud, I have a bachelor's degree in this!) and something about the way I'm explaining/punishing/rewarding isn't speaking to your rambunctious little spirit.  And if your own mother can't communicate with you and help you understand, for goodness sakes, who can??

Well.  Heavenly Father.  That's who.  

I was reminded today for the 80 billionth time that you are His, not mine.  I'm not supposed to have all the answers.  Parenting is supposed to teach ME to rely on HIM.

I spent your naptime today reading articles online about how I could solve the problem.  I spent time on my knees, tears running down my face, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me know what to do, what to say, how to fix it.  And eventually the answer came: Amy, you can't.  But I can. Quit trying to do everything on your own, and let me take the wheel for once.

And so I asked your wonderful father to give you a blessing, after I told him all of my concerns and lacks of solution.  We waited until you had almost fallen asleep, and then we crept into your bedroom.  Your bright brown eyes were still open, but you were laying in your bed, calm.  Landon was asleep.  I scooped you up into my arms, and your father placed his hands on your head and began to speak to you.  And you, who cannot stay quiet to SAVE YOUR LIFE during a prayer in any setting, immediately settled down and listened.  I felt your anxious little body relax in my arms, as your father blessed you with beautiful words.  You kept blinking your eyes up at me, and smiling, like somehow you were understanding--like you were feeling peace and the love of your Heavenly Father, and that it felt good to your little (big) soul. You remained absolutely silent for the entire blessing and your very busy little body didn't even move an inch.

Your father left after that to go to the gym.  I laid with you in bed, enjoying the glowing spirit around you. You turned to look at me and said, "Momma.  I feel happy."  

You went on to explain to me all the rules and ideas that we talk about constantly ("Momma, Jesus wants us to be soft--Jesus wants us to make people happy, etc) which is really nothing new--except that you said it with new feeling and meaning.  I didn't even really ask you about those things specifically, and your father didn't really even mention those things specifically in the blessing, but somehow your little spirit translated that peaceful feeling to having something to do with Jesus--I know that it's because it's His love you felt.  You laid there, happy as a clam, and talked to me for about 30 minutes, stopping in between sentences to hug me and kiss me on the cheek for really no reason at all--except that you were just feeling happy.  

Now, do I think you will be perfect from now on?  Nope.  You're three.  And you need this phase to learn and grow.  But it was a powerful lesson to me on your ability to feel the Spirit and respond appropriately. It was also a lesson to me on our Heavenly Father's ability to communicate to our spirits.  Not just our brains, or even our hearts, but our spirits--in a way that a human can't--not even a mother.  Which is pretty much as close to super-human as it gets in my opinion.  And it's because you're His.  Your spirit belongs to Him.  And He understands you better than I ever will.  And He loves you.  

Please know that I'm not perfect.  I never will be.  I'll make mistakes and fall short as your mother sometimes.  Sometimes that will be my fault, other times it will just be because life is just plain stressful sometimes, and we just have to learn to deal with it. It's just hard being a parent--to meet everyone's needs in just the right way, even on days that you don't feel good. (You'll learn that firsthand someday. Trust me.)  But I want you to know that even if I fall short (which is often), He never will. Maintain a strong relationship with Him, and pray to Him often, and you'll be okay.  I'll try to do the same.  

I'm blessed beyond measure to have your bright little self in my life.  I'm glad I get to be your mom for forever.

Love,

 Mom