May 8, 2013

Lately I've felt like more of a referee than an actual parent.  With Spencer's newfound language capabilities, Landon has had to learn to respect him as an actual person with real opinions and ideas, and this leads to.... conflict in the playroom.

More than once the past week, I wondered if I had made a mistake in thinking that kids this close together would be a blessing to them.  I thought for sure they would just be best friends forever and super close always, and that would make it worth the extra energy involved with so many little ones running around.  I wondered if they would ever truly get along and adore each other the way that they did for the first couple of years of Spencer's life.  Maybe brothers just fight a lot, I told myself.

And actually as the week went on, I realized it was just a phase.  Their relationship had an adjustment and then it started to correct itself.  We tightened down on both of them about certain unbecoming behaviors, and I could tell that maybe their relationship wasn't permanently ruined after all.  (Don't you love how pregnancy just over-exaggerates everything?!)

But there was one moment in particular this week that I did not want to forget.  Spence and I drop Landon off at preschool every day that he goes (Tues/Thur).  I usually try not to make too big of a goodbye scene--Landon's not that sort of little guy.  So I usually casually tell him goodbye and tell Spence to tell him goodbye, and usually Landon's already engaged with whatever activity awaits him at his desk, and Spencer is more worried about commenting angrily about how it's not fair that Landon's school has a play kitchen in it that he doesn't get to play with.

On Tuesday, I reminded myself to let Spencer walk instead of carrying him (gotta get used to not being the baby, Spence.  You're three.  Also, my back hurts.  You're heavy.) even though I knew it would mean he would fight me on holding my hand in the parking lot and over who got to hold the sign-in pen.  We chatted with a friend for a minute, and Landon decided to just run ahead to class.  I followed a minute later to wish him well, even though I knew he was probably too preoccupied to notice, but ya never know, I told myself.  We walked into his classroom, and I told him to have a great day.  I told Spencer to tell Landon goodbye, which he did quietly, but I don't think Landon heard him.  We turned around and walked out, and got halfway down the hall when I heard a familiar little sing-song voice call out "Spencer!  Wait!  Come back!"  Landon had run out into the hallway his arms outstretched, wanting Spencer to come give him a hug.

A huge smile broke out on Spencer's little squirrel-face, and he clumsily ran up to Landon with his small little arms reaching out as far as they could.  They hugged each other as tightly as they could and then Landon waved at me and ran back into his classroom.  Spencer walked away just beaming, like he felt like he was just so lucky that he surely had the best brother in the whole world.  (Which he totally does.)

I then mopped my heart up that had melted onto the floor, and walked with Spencer back out into the parking lot.  I was so grateful for that little moment.  It reminded me that deep down, playroom arguments aside, my children really do love each other.  They miss each other when they're apart, and they think the world of each other when it really comes down to it.  While I know I certainly can't take credit for most of that, it does make me feel good as a parent when these types of moments happen.

It just makes all the rest of it worth it, ya know?

April 16, 2013

Yesterday, as I was preparing dinner, I started thinking about some of the parts of my children's personalities that I just don't understand and what I could be doing to solve some of the situations that arise because of them.  Just as my mind started to form some sort of complete thought, it vanished, as Spencer walked into the kitchen demanding to help me make dinner.  I resolved to continue my train of thought later.

He pulled up a chair and chatted with me while I put some things in the oven.  BK got home shortly after that, and we set the table.  The missionaries were going to be joining us for dinner, and so we ate at the bigger table in the dining room and tried to make things look presentable for our company.

They arrived promptly at 5:30, and we sat down and enjoyed a meal together.  Eventually it was time for them to share a scripture with us and then get back to their work.  One of them opened his scriptures and said he felt really prompted to share a specific scripture with us.  As he started reading, I immediately started tearing up, as I realized this scripture was a continuation of the thought process I was having earlier.  And as he shared his thoughts on the scripture afterward, I realized he was unknowingly giving me the answer to the questions I had asked in my mind before being interrupted by my little helper.

This 19 year old kid knows nothing about my children or what they need.  I'm sure he also doesn't really know anything about being a parent yet--let alone a mother--but in his words, I was able to find resolution to something that had been on my mind.  I was so thankful that he was so in tune with the Spirit because it helped me to realize that I wasn't alone in my thoughts.  The Lord was listening to my concerns and wanted to help me find some answers.

Today after dropping Landon off, we went on a little walk through the neighborhood.  We attempted to teach Tucker to walk on a leash, which actually went better than I thought... and then Spencer attempted to remove each and every rock from an empty lot and pack it in our stroller.  I somehow convinced him to leave the rocks behind when it was time to go home (phew). It felt good to get out in the sunshine, despite my disgusting cough and Spencer's runny nose (thanks, ALLERGIES.) and the fact that I was winded as soon as we got to the end of our street (thanks, PREGNANCY. May I never be this overweight in my life ever without pregnancy as an excuse.).

And now to get Spencer to take a nap... :)

April 15, 2013

So we got a dog!

One day I just sort of woke up and decided the boys needed a dog.  After looking at a couple of ads online and driving with the boys all over the state of Texas that day to look at various dogs, we found our perfect little mini-schnauzer Tucker.  He is the best dog ever, and we just love him to death! BK has never had a dog before, and he's even loving it, too! I've totally become that annoying dog-person that I always made fun of others for being.  But oh well.  I needed a simple little creature full of unconditional love and the inability to argue with me--and so I completely understand now why people are in love with dogs.  I'm sure it will be crazy with 3 boys and a dog, but the dog is the least of my problems.  He's the easiest one of the bunch!

In other news, BK switched jobs! It was totally unexpected, but a former boss that he had done part-time PT work for called him out of the blue with an amazing job offer, and so he took it!  He has been sad to leave all of his co-worker friends at his previous job, but we're loving the more flexible hours, and the huge pay increase for sure! Several weeks ago I sat down to look at some things with our finances with some new goals BK and I had felt really strongly about implementing, and I admittedly was sort of stumped as to how to make it all work.  And the next day he got the call about the new job.  The Lord has always taken care of us, and He continues to, as long as we're doing our part for sure.

Another unexpected thing came up around the same time.  I've been taking a look at the things I "need" for Baby #3, and I wondered with our new goals how I would find some extra money to justify doing some fun projects and getting some new things without putting us behind in other areas.  Sort of out of the blue, a temporary babysitting job fell into my lap.  It's been nice to earn some extra money to save up to spend on fun baby projects! And we've enjoyed watching this baby girl, too.  It's been good practice for figuring out how to manage the two boys plus a newborn (and a dog).  It turns out it's not impossible, so that's good to know for sure!

This week Spencer has turned into the least trustworthy child on the planet I'm convinced.  I cannot turn around for two seconds without some HUGE mess or problem presenting itself because of him.  BK and I have both just been beating our heads against a wall trying to figure out what in the world to do about him sometimes.  I suppose that's just life with a super spunky almost-three year old boy though! Well... that and being pregnant in the middle of it all.  The past few months I just feel like we've floated from one problem or disaster to another with not much breathing room in between.  But when I take a step back to look at the situation more clearly, I realize this is just life, and that usually it just doesn't seem so overwhelming because I'm usually not pregnant.  Kids will always get sick, they will always make messes, they will always be disobedient, they will always test boundaries and limits of patience... (and they also do a lot of great things, too, of course!)... it just seems like a much bigger deal when you're tired and uncomfortable and not feeling 100%! This too shall pass, and then I'm sure I'll be wishing the worst I was dealing with was the potty messes of today when they're teenagers tomorrow, and we're having to deal with real issues.

Overall, my life is really, really great, and I have a billion things to be grateful for. I keep waiting for a day to happen where things just run smoothly and peacefully, and I finally realized that I need to do better at creating those situations rather than waiting for life to ever "settle down."  I decided that one way I could do better at that is to re-dedicate myself to reading my scriptures every single day.  I decided that surely by showing the Lord that He comes absolutely first in my life, that He'll be able to bless me with the things that I need, and the things that my family needs. He should come before the cleaning needs of my house for sure, and the minor needs of my children and husband.  So I've made a new rule for myself that once I sit down to read my scriptures (and I try to choose the calmest time I can, but sometimes I just have to make do with what the day holds) that unless one of my children is in physical danger, I will not stop--no matter if they're arguing or dumping out every single bin in the playroom or bothering the dog.  Because before it seemed like whenever I would sit down to read, something would come up and I would get frustrated after 12 seconds of trying to mother my children and read my scriptures at the same time and give up.  And even when I hear a huge mess brewing upstairs, I just remind myself that it really doesn't matter, but that putting the Lord first and finding peace in choosing the right for 10 minutes or so DOES matter.  At the end of the day, I've started reminding myself that even if I get discouraged thinking of the 50 things on my "list" that didn't get accomplished because of the chaos of the day, that if I can go to bed thinking "at least I had 10 peaceful minutes to read my scriptures and ponder something besides the most efficient way to encourage my children to clean up the playroom, then I HAVE accomplished something HUGE.  Because it's the most important thing.  And everything else will work out or be put in perspective after that.

Like I mentioned, life is good--just a little bit of a downer weekend for us, and I think it's important to record those moments, too, sometimes, to read later and then appreciate life's progression or personal growth!

Here's to Monday getting better! :)

March 6, 2013

Pictures from a family trip to the park about a month ago!

Good heavens.

I don't know what it is about pregnancy and me and just living in a timeless blur for months without realizing it.  But anyway, we're still alive!

This pregnancy has actually been comparatively easy--no throwing up mainly.  But I have never felt so tired in my entire life as I have the past 4 months or so.  I suppose I've also never experienced having two boys at home while being pregnant, and I tell you what, those two take everything I've got, plus some! 

The past few days have been a bit better.  I've tried to be on more of a routine and planned more fun things for us to do, so we don't sit around all day being grumpy and ridiculous with each other.  But if I learned anything from being pregnant the second time it was that it's okay--life falls apart, but then you pick it back up at some point when your newborn starts sleeping through the night, and everyone moves on unharmed.  I'm just such a control-freak though, that's it's just so hard for me to let my house fall apart and watch my kids watch TV for hours because I just don't have the energy to break up the arguing and clean up the messes and so on and so forth.  But it's okay.  We'll figure it out.  

We've been doing the potty-training thing with Spencer the past couple weeks--(that's probably why every thing else just fell apart... potty-training does that.  Good grief.)--and it was funny to see just how much my two boys differ in their motivations.  Right now Landon is so achievement-oriented.  Give that kid a sticker chart--and he will earn tickets and coins and prizes all day long.  Spencer... just wants candy. That's it.  Which is actually sort of less complicated, and I completely understand his love for candy.  But it's just ironic how you think you have parenting figured out and then the second one comes along and you realize that 75% of the tricks you have up your sleeve don't actually work after all.  

Spencer is just a little bouncing ball of energy.  That kid never walks anywhere.  He's always bouncing, always dancing, always hopping, always galloping, always trotting, always running--going as fast as his skinny little legs will carry him.  He has such a carefree little spirit.  He doesn't really take anything seriously--but in a good way.  He makes us laugh every single day.  He's talking a ton more than he was--so much so that he graduated speech therapy!  It's been such a blessing in my life to watch his little timid and hesitant and clingy personality blossom into the happy-go-lucky little boy.  Despite his slow start to talking, he's a brilliant little boy.  He learns things very quickly--already knows all of his letters and how to count to ten.  He's a little sponge--just listening and taking everything in.  He is also the loudest two year old ever.  And he gives the best hugs.  Especially after he gets in trouble.

Landon is growing up faster than I can keep up with.  I'm really not sure when he all of the sudden started becoming this little boy, instead of my chubby 3 year old.  But he is very interested in being grown-up and mature and big and old.  He loves using big words and wants to do and say everything perfectly.  And he gets quite frustrated when he doesn't or can't.  He has such a tender little heart and feels things very deeply.  He internalizes and thinks about everything around him.  He's very thoughtful toward others, and I have appreciated him deeply the past few months for putting up with me being so lame.  He comes and gives me snuggles in bed when I'm not feeling like getting up, and he scratches my back and tells me he loves me.  He is highly opinionated--and defends his position to the death, even when he's blatantly wrong.  He loves to be goofy with his little friends.  He's obsessed with Star Wars, even though he's never seen the movie.  He builds "lego starships" with the legos Sara and Ian gave him for Christmas ALL DAY LONG.  We've started working on reading, and it's no surprise to me how quickly he's picking it up.  I can't wait to watch him be challenged in real school next year.  He's completely ready, and looks forward to it every day.  I have mixed emotions about it.  I think it will be so good for him, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do without my helper all day long.  Landon tells me that Spencer can be my helper.  I'm doubtful, but we'll make do.

Baby #3 is growing and growing! We found out last month that it will be a third boy joining our family.  I ended up having to go to that appointment by myself that day.  Both of the boys were up all night throwing up, and so I couldn't take them to school/playdates.  BK had already taken the morning off to come to the appointment with me, but ended up having to stay home with the sickies while I went by myself.  On the way to the appointment, I had a strong feeling that this was going to be a boy, and that even if I was hoping for a girl, that he would bless my life in many, many ways, and so it was no surprise half an hour later to find out it was indeed a boy.  The older boys are ecstatic to have another "brudder" to add to the puppy pack.  I am hoping that somehow the Lord blesses me with more patience and a magical cleaning fairy to keep up with three boys--but I'm also extremely excited.  I've been having a blast picking out things for the nursery.  I've never gotten to decorate a nursery really because we've always lived in apartments before--so it's been a fun and new thing to do.  I'm also going to attempt to sew all the crib bedding, and hopefully that goes well!

BK also has some new things in the works as far as his job, but I'll wait till it's all official until I talk more about that! (No, it doesn't involve a move, don't worry, Waco....)

Overall, life is good.  It's busy and hard and crazy, but at the end of the day, it's good, and it's everything I always wanted.

December 13, 2012

Dearest third baby of mine,

Here you are at 12 weeks:

I could've sat there in the doctor's office watching you flip around and wave your arms and suck on your fingers all day.  But Spencer's sucker I gave him would only last so long, and the ultrasound technician kept giving me dirty looks because Spencer kept looking at/touching expensive equipment (notetoself: he will NEVER come to another appt of mine AGAIN.  Anyway, back to you.)

I was worried about you before this appointment.  This pregnancy has felt so different to me, and so I wondered if you were okay--if you even still existed.  But the second your tiny little body flashed up on the screen, and I saw you moving around doing somersaults, I felt peace again that everything was okay.

It was like magic--watching you move around on the television, but being absolutely unable to feel any of it.  And the rest of the day I've just been thinking about how you're probably flipping around doing all sorts of secret things, and I have no idea.  That won't last for long of course. 

I watched your tiny little heart beating and pumping.  And then the technician turned on the sound--I didn't know I was far enough along to be able to actually hear it--but there it was--the magical whoosh-whoosh sound of a tiny little baby heartbeat.  169 bpm.

I went out with some friends tonight, and I drove back through the new road in the back of our subdivison--where they haven't put in streetlights in yet, and so it's really, really dark.  I looked up at just the right moment to see a shooting star fall from the sky.  It just seemed like the perfect ending for a perfect day. (Today wasn't really perfect--just to be clear.  Your older brothers have about driven me mad--and my house is trashed--and we ate Walmart pizza for dinner. But everything about you today really WAS perfect! Except that Spencer was at the doctor's office because of a slight miscommunication between your father and me about his availability to be at the aforementioned appointment... anyway.)

Anyway, thank you for being so wonderful and bringing so much joy to my life already, even though we haven't met yet.  I'm so looking forward to it.  6ish more months! :)

Love,
Mom

December 11, 2012

I of course meant to write about this weeks ago before I forgot all the details, but better late than never!

Back in October I had some blood tests done that confirmed the fertility medication that I was on was working.  It didn't mean it was pregnant, but it meant I was on the right track.

Several days before the day I had chosen to take a pregnancy test, I got in my usual funk.  I just wanted to hurry up and take the test and get the negative test, and then mope around and then get over it.  I didn't want to prolong that for several more days.  Maybe it would even be positive a few days later, but at least I would have already prepared myself for the worst.

I was in the middle of sewing Halloween costumes and could distract myself no longer.  BK was on a phonecall or something, and I slipped away to take the test.  I said a prayer that when it was negative that I would get over it quickly.

Only a few seconds later I found myself staring in disbelief at this:

I think I was too shocked to even cry or shout for joy.  I was literally dumbfounded.  This was the third time in my entire life I had ever gotten a positive pregnancy test.  

I wanted to wait to tell BK in some cute way.  But I am horrible at keeping secrets.  My sisters were the first to find out--via a txt message with the picture.  I told a couple of other friends, mainly to get ideas about how to surprise BK.  Finally, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to keep such a happy thing from him.  I wrote a little note that said "Baby P #3 June 2013" and wrapped the test in it and stuck it under his pillow.  He finally came to bed and found it.  He was, of course, thrilled.

I spent the next couple of days in a wonderful, happy fog.  Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me.  He had heard my prayers.  He had a plan for me.  He always had, and I should've had more faith.  But isn't that always the case?

Several weeks later found me, BK, and Spencer in a doctor's office getting an ultrasound.  There on the screen was one tiny bean with a beating heart.  Such a miracle.  Even though this is the third time, it doesn't ever take away from that miraculous moment.  

I have felt more tired this pregnancy than either of the two before, but I haven't thrown up once! That almost makes me nervous that maybe something is wrong, but I'll have another ultrasound on Thursday that will hopefully lay my paranoia to rest.  I have plenty of other ridiculous pregnancy symptoms keeping me company, I should just be grateful that vomiting all day long like the last two isn't on that list, I suppose!

Anyway, even a couple of months later, this all still feels like a dream to me.  It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that in about 6 1/2 months, I'll have a warm, snuggly, helpless, divinely-smelling newborn to hold.  I'm just so, so grateful I get to do it all again.  

November 11, 2012

Dearest Landon Keith,

Since you came into the world four-and-half years ago, you have made many life-long dreams of mine come true.  As cheesy as that sounds, I'm not going to apologize for it because it's absolutely true.

I wanted to tell you quickly about another one today.

For many years, even before I married your lovely father, I thoroughly enjoyed the yearly primary program at church.  I especially loved watching the sunbeam boys feign reverence for an hour and a half.  I always wished that someday I would be lucky enough to have a sunbeam boy in the primary program.  There were years I wondered if I ever would.

But today, as I sat in the audience and watched you there, sitting with your sunbeam class in the program, I teared up remembering how many of these I had seen without you in them.  And I was so proud of you.  You  looked like such a little stud! So reverent, and you even knew all the words to the songs!

In all of my sunbeam-boy-coveting in the past, I never could have dreamed of how perfect my little four year old boy would be.  You're everything I've ever wanted in a son and more.  You're such a good big brother to Spencer. ("MOM. Don't let him play with the fly swatter!! It has DISEASES on it!!")  You look out for your dad.  ("But, Mom, shouldn't we save some of this candy for Dad so HE can have some when he gets home from work?")  You take such good care of me when I'm not feeling well. ("Mom, do you need to lay down and take a rest and read your favorite book? I'll come snuggle with you and watch a show in your bed and take care of you.")

Anyway, just wanted you to know that today I was thinking of you and what a wonderful blessing you are in my life.  Thank you for being such a wonderful little sunbeam in the primary program today.  It was an answer to many prayers long ago--as is your presence in our family, in general.

I'm so glad I get to be your mom.

Love,
Mom