April 10, 2014

For the past three springs I've noticed all the beautiful wildflowers we have around here, and always wanted to pick them and put them in a vase on my mantle.  But I would procrastinate and procrastinate and before I knew it summer was here and the flowers were long gone.

Yesterday I noticed them again and I resolved to make it happen.  We picked Landon up from school and headed home, loaded Owen in the stroller, and off we went.  We found a good field by our neighborhood, and found all of the colors of the rainbow.  The sun was shining and the flowers looked even more vibrant all bunched together in Spencer's Lightning McQueen cup in the stroller tray.

 And then we returned home, whiny and weary from our travels, having procured the arrangement I had dreamt up in my head.  I love how "Texas" it is.

Today's weather did not disappoint either.  A friend and I headed to the zoo and spent two and a half hours letting our littles run around in the sunshine while we explored our deep thoughts and feelings about motherhood and womanhood and the balance between the two.  I walked away feeling uplifted and encouraged, as is the case with every good "girl chat"--right?

So far life is looking better in the spring. Check ya later, winter!!

March 28, 2014

The boys are all out playing in the backyard, and I had a quiet, sunny moment, so I wanted to write down some thoughts about it before the bedtime chaos breaks it all up!

Earlier today there was a thunderstorm.  The whole sky went dark and run started pouring down.  BK was off work early, and so the whole family was in the van--the two babies had fallen asleep on our way to pick up Landon at school, so we were thinking of errands to do to prolong their nap a little longer.  We drove to the bank to deposit a check, and then took the long way home, as we watched the lightning fill the clouds, and felt the thunder rumble our car.

We got home, and BK decided to go into his other, more optional, job to get some extra $$.  (Probably to pay for all the new clothes I keep buying myself.  I'm turning thirty in a couple months!  New decade!  New wardrobe!  Right?!) I put a movie on for the boys, and almost sat down to read a book, but then I thought of all the cleaning I had completely neglected this week.  Literally, I did NOTHING this week.  Weird mix of energy, hormones and emotions all over the place, getting back to normal after a baby starts weaning and your body tries to balance out.  Basically nothing anybody in my house understands because I'm the only girl... But anyway, I was just going to start over fresh on Monday, and then I thought, no, I can do this!  And I proceeded to get 5 loads of laundry done AND put away... and vacuumed and picked up the entire house.  And as I did that, the storm started to dissipate, and I watched the sky start turning lighter and lighter until I could turn off all the light bulbs in the house again because my windows were filled with sunlight again.

And I tell you, there is really nothing prettier than sunlight streaming through my windows onto a clean floor and mess-free house.  Of course that only lasts for like 5 minutes before Spencer starts building forts again, but that's beautiful in its own way, too.  We got pizza for dinner, as we usually do on Fridays, and now the boys are in the backyard playing soccer with BK.  He's holding Owen while he teaches Landon something called a "one-touch" or something.  Spencer is... building a fort out of lawn chairs.  Surprise, surprise.  And I'm just sitting at the desk, in a completely silent house, except for the sound of the dryer going.  (We're waiting for the dryer to be done before we put Owen to bed because it has his bunny and blanky in it.)

I think it's moments like this that I'll remember when, in ten years, I'm turning 40 and think back on what life was like with small kids.  I'm sure I'll remember the chaos, too, but I think ultimately the memories that will hold fast in my mind are my boys outside laughing and playing soccer in the golden sunshine in our first house.

March 1, 2014

 Lunch date with Landon.

 Yogurt and checkers and buying new "afletic" shoes date with Landon.

 Baby bird.

 Owen's first NBA game. Jazz vs. Mavericks.

 My view at the grocery store.

Owen has decided he likes baths.

Those are a few highlights of February! Today was a pretty great day.  I went to Dallas to go to the temple with some girlfriends.  We left all the kids home with husbands and enjoyed a road trip.  We went out to lunch afterward and then headed home.  I went to a baptism at the church afterward.  And then after that we (finally, we've had to reschedule like 3 times because of my kids taking turns being sick) took the kids to Peter Piper Pizza to celebrate yet another perfect report card from Landon!  It definitely wouldn't have been my first choice, but we let him choose, and that's what he chose!  We invited another family to come with us, and so that definitely made hanging out at such a madhouse more bearable.  Spencer hit the "jackpot" on one of the games and ended up with 580 tickets (literally)... so he came home with quite a bag of treasures! (junk) We came home and I put the kids to bed and I let them keep their reading light on for awhile to inspect their prizes.  They stayed up for about an hour enjoying those together.  I'm sure I'll regret my decision to let them stay up until 9 when they're grumpy at church tomorrow, but it was just so cute the way that they were excitedly playing with their prizes together on Landon's bed that I didn't want to break up the party!  All in all, a good day! :)

February 19, 2014

 Spencer likes setting up "fwee sample" booths in our kitchen during the time I'm cooking dinner.  It's...really helpful..

 This chubby angelbaby loooooves solid foods.  No surprise there.

 Spencer went on a field trip to HEB with some friends.  He had more fun than this picture suggests.

 O-bear and I have fun together at his doctor check-ups.  Especially when Dad comes home to watch Spencer so that I don't have to bring him, too...

 Remember Landon?  He's in kindergarten, so he misses out on a lot of photo ops around our house.  So I try to catch him when I can.

I can never get enough of this face. Or babies this age.

Life rolls on! Being a mom of three is definitely different.  Owen has reached that semi-mobile stage where I have to be careful where I put him down and what he's putting in his mouth.  And he is a HEAVY little (big) thing.  So my back is pretty tired from carting him around all day.  We'll figure it out.  His happy little (big) nature has just graced our family so perfectly.  He's brought his own special light and spirit to our home, and I just love it.  He fits in so perfectly with the other two.  He makes me want to have seven more kids. (I won't.)  Talk to me again about that when he's 14 months, but seriously, right now... is there a happier creature in the world than a 7-8 month old smiley baby??  I submit to you, there is not.  I could just eat him. And there would probably be plenty left over.

Spencer is just blossoming (sorry, that's not a very manly word, Spence, but it was the best I could come up with) into such a sweet little boy.  Since Landon is gone at school, Spencer has definitely stepped up to the plate to "take cah-wa" me.  He has mellowed out a LOT and is just a cheerful happy little thing most of the time.  He has such a fantastic imagination and a cute little face.  He's such a huge spirit in such a small little body--I suppose I can relate to that.  Definitely not a wallflower, our little Spence.  He's doing awesome in primary.  I don't want to say I was totally surprised, but I was.  I thought he would hate it.  But I owe much of that to Debbi and Jessi, his teachers.  They really "get" Spencer, and just love him, and that means a lot to me to see how kind and patient they are with him.

Landon continues to be a stellar kindergartener.  We had a couple "incidents" this past weekend with some pantry-sneaking, but after a few good discussions and an FHE lesson, we are hopefully back on the right track. It's so hard with the oldest one because I feel like we're constantly treading in unfamiliar territory.  Every new stage is different.  And BK and I make mistakes sometimes with the way we deal with things, but Landon is just such an awesome kid.  I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about how great he is, and how much I look up to him.  I see so much of myself in him, but he's balanced out a lot better with a calm streak from BK.  His younger brothers are so lucky to have him.  I know he will be a great example for them in so many things, as he already is now.  He's so patient with Spencer most of the time.  They share a room, and I know Spence drives him nuts sometimes, but he lets Spencer sleep in his bed because Spencer gets scared sleeping in his own bed by himself right now.  And most nights when I go to turn off their nightlight, I find them fast asleep right next to each other.  I'm so glad they have each other.

I feel like life both encourages me and humbles me on a daily basis.  Being a mom is hard, but it's also the best thing I've ever done.  I learn something every single day.  And I laugh hard every single day--sometimes at myself, sometimes with myself.  I tickle my kids and I pinch their buns every single day--all three of them.  Their laughter and smiles are a balm for my anxious little (big) spirit.
Every night before I put Owen to bed, I rock with him in his room and nurse him with just his nightlight on.  After he's done eating, I pick him up to walk him across the room, but usually I just stop and hold him for a minute before I put him down.  He's awake, but so tired, so his body just rests against my chest and his head lays heavy on my shoulder.  I just hug him so tight and make him promise to stop growing so big already, and I kiss the top of his head and just relish in his calmness.  (I'm realizing I need more calm in my life.)
Every morning, whichever of the older boys wakes up first comes and gets in bed with me.  They usually don't say anything, but they cuddle up close to me and stroke my hair.  When I open my eyes, they tell me good morning with such a huge smile on their face--they're so happy to see me--and while maybe it still takes me a few moments to be happy about being woken up before 7, I sit here now, happy that they love me so much.  No matter how rocky the day was before.
Speaking of calm in my life--I'm grateful that I'm married to Mr. Calm himself.  We balance each other out so well.  I feel like he doesn't get mentioned a lot on this here blog, (mostly because I don't want to share details of his work day online for multiple reasons) but he's still around! He works hard and takes a lot of extra hours so we can have extra money to do fun things. He's given me such a beautiful life, and one of these days I'm hoping I'm not a tired, haggard, trainwreck by the time he gets home in the evening, so that he can see I really do enjoy myself most of the time.
Well, I'm going to go soak up the last couple of hours of my day in a good book.  :)

Feburary 3, 2014

Owen has recently taken an interest in his older brothers.  They love making him giggle and smile.  I still have to remind them about 6 gajillion times a day to give him space and not talk so loudly in his ears, but mostly, I'm just glad they like him, and he likes them.  Give him another year and I'm sure he'll be running around and a part of their brother puppy pack for real.  He's lucky to have been born into a family with such awesome brothers already!

It has made my heart grow about three sizes watching Spencer figure out what being a big brother is.  He seems to realize this added responsibility to take care of Owen and look out for him.  He's matured a lot in the past couple of months since he's decided he's head over heels for "Baby Oh-beh." [O-bear.  He hasn't quite mastered "R"s yet... haha!)  Spencer is the most imaginative little three year old ever.  He is constantly building something or pretending something.  He entertains himself so easily.  He is so delightful to be around these days.  He's cheerful for the most part and has lots of interesting things to do and say all day long.  I laugh at least 586 times a day at the things he says and does.  His latest self-given responsibility is bringing a snack in the car for Landon when we go to pick him up from school.  He jumps out of bed after his nap (He still takes a 3 hour nap... bless him.) and immediately starts brainstorming snack ideas.  He gets two granola bars or string cheeses or what have you and heads to the car.  He carefully guards Landon's snack and excitedly hands it to him when he gets in the car.  It's so sweet.

Landon continues to be such a responsible and mature little 5 year old.  He loves going to school.  He's definitely tired and cranky when he gets home, but I can tell he's getting used to it!  All of the sudden he knows how to read, too.  No surprise there, but it's still so cool to see his little brain work and figure out new things.  He's amazing, not only because he is so smart, but because he seems to understand other people's emotions in a very mature way for a small child.  It's hard to explain, but he's just so observant and concerned about "big people" things.  I try to remember to still treat him his real age and let him be a kid, but at the same time, I really appreciate his independence and ability to help around the house.  We are lucky to have him!

BK and I chose our family theme for 2014.  It's the hymn "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?"  Each month we are going to discuss a different line of the song.  We listen to a cute version of this song almost every day in the car and the kids almost have all of the words down! It's been a good reminder for me to have this written on my chalkboard in the kitchen.  When I find myself getting irritated about an inconvenient service opportunity, I try to remember the words and make my choices based on them.  It's helped a lot.  But of course, because the Lord is so merciful, He always seems to bless us tenfold when we make the smallest of efforts.  In one instance this past month, I knew of a friend who needed a rather large favor--my first reaction was to not volunteer to help, but I looked at my chalkboard and felt guilty--how can I teach my children to serve and love doing it when I'm not? So I changed my mind and responded to her plea.  It ended up being a huge blessing to our family in a couple of unexpected ways. I wasn't really expecting to get anything in return, but like I said, it seems like when you do service, you end up being the one who gets more out of it--more patience, more humility, more perspective.  At the end of the day, it really does come down to what we've been able to do for others--not about our perfectly scheduled day or about getting all of our "wants." This is what I've learned so far with this little project.  I still have much to learn!!

Well, the little chickadees are getting restless... it's that magic hour right before BK gets home... I better go come up with a plan for dinner and take some deep breaths! ;)

December 4, 2013

Today has been sort of a downer.  No real reason in particular--maybe because it was cloudy this morning?  Maybe because I woke up at 3am to find Landon in my bed and took him back to his... then Owen woke up at 5:15am and I fed him and then he was up fussing for several hours?  Yeah, probably a combination of those things.  Spencer has been a cheerful little thing today though and happily played while I laid on the floor reading and resting during Owen's nap this morning.  He is such a creative little thing.  I love it.

I decided that maybe a good pick-me-up would be to list some things that I'm grateful for.

• The weather the past few days has been gorgeous.  High 70s.  And it's December.  We went to the park yesterday and I just loved being out in the sunshine watching the boys run around with their friends.  I'm grateful the older two are at ages that I don't have to worry about them falling off something or climbing too high.  And Owen is young enough he'll just stay in his stroller.  So I can actually chat with my friends and enjoy the park too!
• I'm thankful for personal revelation.  I was wondering about how to solve a problem and received an explanation that really made sense to me.  It was about forgiveness.  I wondered about choices other people make and how they ever truly get fixed to the point you can forgive.  And in my mind popped an analogy about how the Savior is like a physician.  Physicians fix problems that they didn't create all of the time.  We can injure each other physically and not have the capabilities to heal the wound, because we lack the training and knowledge.  We can injure each other emotionally and not really have capabilities to heal those wounds past just being sorry.  So when we're injured, we need to turn to the Master Physician and let him fix it.  Because He's the only one who can.  Anyway, I thought it was a neat thought, so I wanted to share.
• I'm thankful for my living arrangement.  I take it for granted all of the time.  But I really shouldn't have many complaints in life.  I have a beautiful home and food on the table and nice people to share it with.  It doesn't really get much better than that.
• I'm thankful for Christmas traditions. Our boys are getting old enough that we are creating some of our own, and it's really fun to think about how they might evolve over time.  I ordered a bunch of Christmas books the other day and wrapped them last night.  We are going to do the 12 days of Christmas Books this year, starting next week, and I'm excited to sit on the couch each night with my babies, freshly bathed, reading by the light of the Christmas tree.  I'm sure it won't be that idyllic every night, but if that moment happens just once, it will be worth it!

Well, I've decided I'm about three years overdue for a blog book, so I'm off to start designing them!  Happy Wednesday to us all! :)

November 6, 2013

Sometimes Landon likes to take my ipod and sneak into my bathroom and take pictures of himself, apparently!
Speaking of Landon, I want to write a letter to him because I've been thinking about him tonight.

Landon,
My dear little boy--I cannot believe it is November already.  You've already been in school for several months.  And I still don't feel like I've fully made that transition in the way that I had intended to.  In my defense, it was hard to have a baby right before this.  Owen is a great baby, but he is still a baby... and so I'm just tired--so very tired.  I'm not as young as I was when I had you, and I feel like each time it takes me a little bit longer to jump back on the horse and do everything that I need to in order to make our family run smoothly.  I feel like I'm almost there--I've been making dinner more regularly and keeping the house clean and I've never been late to pick you up from school--despite Spencer being three and disagreeable.  But I know I'm not quite there yet.

Many times in the morning, I'm still in bed while you're getting ready for school.  Because I'm just so tired and my back hurts and your dad is really nice and told me he can take care of it.  You're still really excited to go to school and so you get up on your own and get dressed, but lately I can tell you're just a little bit overwhelmed with the whole getting ready for school routine and making it there on time.  And lately I've been thinking about how this needs to be the next thing that I tackle in life--getting up with you and helping you, even if it just means sitting on the couch to nurse the baby instead of laying in bed nursing the baby. I know that I need to be more present in your life, even if you're the easiest one right now.  You still need me.  And even though your dad does a great job in the morning, he's still not a mom.  He's juggling a lot of details with his job and so he forgets when it's library day or to pack a snack and a lunch.  Those are supposed to be my jobs, I know.  And I intend to make them my job again.  I can always jump back in bed after you leave and turn on an episode of Callou (I'm so sick of that show) for Spence and get some rest if I need to.

Because I get a lot of time with Spencer and Owen right now--but not with you.  But I do want you to know how much I've enjoyed being in Primary with you on Sundays the past year.  I hope that somehow the things that I've taught in sharing time have burrowed their way into your heart--because of all of the children, you're the one whose learning I care about the most, if I'm being honest.  I've enjoyed the extra time with you.  In January, heaven help us, Spencer will be joining us in the sunbeam class, and...yeah... we'll see how that goes...

Anyway, as I was thinking about what I need to do better as your mom this evening, I got a little frustrated with myself.  I wished that I could've been there for you more the past couple of months.  I had always envisioned that once you were in kindergarten I would get up every morning before you woke up and make you breakfast every day.  And so far, it's been you waking me up.  And I'm just really sorry.  It's hard being the oldest one--trust me, I know.  Your little brothers take up a lot of my patience and energy because they are still so little, and I know that it's unfair to you.  But please know now, and in the future, that I'm trying my best.  I love you with all of my heart, and I know you deserve the best mom in the universe.  I'm definitely not her, but I try every day to be a little bit better than I was the day before.  I may never make a habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to fry eggs and make waffles, but I hope you know that I love you and that I'm trying to be the best I know how.

After feeling a little bit discouraged, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing.  I hadn't read it in probably 3 or 4 years, I'm embarrassed to say--and it was a really neat experience.  It's funny how it can be so fitting to read it when you're 16, but then you read it at age 29 and it fits even more perfectly.  It's neat to read it as an actual mother and not just a potential mother--and to know how the counsel will help me to help you personally.  It helped to give me some "big picture" perspective and what I needed to focus on and change about myself.  It says such wonderful things about my children, and for many years I just had to imagine who they would be--but now I know, and it makes it even more special.  (And you're even better than I had imagined, by the way.)  I hope someday I get to the place that I want to be in life, and that you'll be patient with me as I get there.  As the oldest, you'll see me change the most as a mom--I'm a lot younger with you at any given stage than I am with your brothers--which is a good and a bad thing. But I know that you were first for a reason, and that you'll excel in life despite my shortcomings (because the Lord just makes up the difference that way), and I just get to be along for the ride!

My heart just bursts with love every time I think about how wonderful of a person you are.  You are so kind and so thoughtful, to me especially.  You made me a mother, and I will be forever grateful for that.  I see so much of myself in you, but it's like you're a much better version of me (probably because your dad is mixed in there somewhere to mellow you out a bit).  I hope we continue to understand each other the way that we do because it is such a blessing to me in my life.  And I hope that these sincere feelings that I have can work their way into the way I act on a daily basis.  Because you are so much more to me than just a problem to be solved, a mess to be cleaned, a blue folder to get into your backpack, or a mouth to feed.  And I want you to know that, not just because I said it in this lovely letter, but because I show you in my actions and the way I speak every day of your life.

Thank you for your patience and for just being you.  You add so much to our family, and your brothers are lucky to have you!

Love,
Mom