Dear Landon

The very first picture of Landon ever.

The other day at the park

Dear Landon,

Today you are THREE.  I can't believe that.  I can't believe how all of the sudden you look like a little boy--seemingly overnight.  You're all grown up!  Well, you think so anyway.

You love to be independent.  You want to try everything and do everything that your dad and I do.  And actually, you usually surprise us with your capabilities.  You're incredibly smart.  And incredibly funny.  You make your dad and I laugh every. single. day. without fail.  Whether by your dancing or some funny phrase you've picked up--we laugh and laugh and laugh.

You love your little brother.  While he's recently started showing more interest in your toys, you generally are pretty good at sharing with him.  You like making him laugh.  And you definitely like telling him what to do.  (Usually it's some instruction that you were given from me merely five minutes before.)

You feel emotions incredibly deeply.  And you think about things a lot.  You like to observe situations before jumping in headfirst.  At our home, you're really out-going, but usually in public, you're a bit introverted.

I can feel your babyhood slipping away by the day.  And that's okay.  But sometimes I just want to freeze your care-free "three" personality in time to keep forever.  I love all the mismatched outfits you pick.  And I love all the mispronounced words.  (You like to say, "Weave me PRASSISSY." [leave (give) me privacy] when you go potty.) I love how new everything is to you and how much you want to learn the right way to do everything.  Even though it's inconvenient sometimes, I love that you're stubborn and care about your ideas as much as you do.  Someday that will actually work for your (and my) benefit.  That's what I tell myself anyway.

I've loved being your mother for the 1095 days we've had together so far.  I've seen you for at least a few minutes of each and every one of those days.  And they've all been precious to me.  I've learned so much from you about myself--it's something you'll never really understand until you're a parent--but thank you for being such a great example to me in so many, many things.  I'm definitely not the perfect mother.  You probably could've done a lot better, but I want you to know that I try my very, very best.  I love you with all my heart.  And I'm glad that you get to be mine forever.

Love,
Mom

Landon's Third Year Tribute Film from amy p on Vimeo.

"Mudders" Day

I became a mother the day after Mother's Day in 2008.

(Although Landon was eight days late and was supposed to be born well before Mother's Day that year, I forgave him...)

I sat down today to record some of my thoughts on motherhood, only to find I can't really put it into words that justify the tenderness of the feelings I have for my children.  I had no idea growing up just how much my parents did for me and the depth of their feelings for me.  Sure I knew they loved and cared about me, but I didn't realize just how... eternal... that feeling really is.

A year or two ago, Landon, my mother and I went to the Austin airport to pick up a sister or two coming into visit for the summer.  After we picked up their luggage, we proceeded to the exit. We were in the middle of a jolly conversation when suddenly we heard a woman scream.

"MATTHEW???  MATTHEW!!!!!"

We looked up to see a woman sobbing, frantically looking for her small son.  We immediately ran up to help her.  My mom assertively asked the woman for a description, and we then discovered the woman barely spoke any English.  Somehow someone was able to find him within a few seconds (He was standing outside waiting for her apparently.)

We picked up our bags and continued on to the exit.

But I felt a lump in my throat and noticed tears streaming down my face.  One of my sisters asked me a question and then looked up to notice I was crying.  "Amy, what's wrong??"

"I don't know.  It's just... I was thinking about if I ever lost Landon in a foreign airport... it's just the most HORRIBLE feeling..."

I looked up to see my own mother also in tears.

Sure, before I had children, I would've thought it horrible to lose them in a foreign airport, but until you hold your own children in your arms, you just don't know how horrible that would feel to lose something so a part of you that you wouldn't begin to know who you were without them.

I've been thinking a lot lately about parent-child relationships.  And I've decided that I truly do get more out of parenting than my children get from my parenting.  I feel like this whole experience is really for my personal growth and development, not theirs.  And that someday, when they grow up and have children of their own, that they, too, will finally grow and develop in the ways the Lord truly intends for them to.  I have learned more about how my Heavenly Father views His parental relationship with me as His child in the past three years than I think I ever did in the 23 years before.

I had the privilege of carrying each of my children inside of me for 9 months. And I've watched the way that children continue to long for the security and warmth of the womb they came from.  They're swaddled as newborns and tucked in tightly as three-year-olds.  Why, even us adults like to snuggle up in a warm blanket--especially next to another person.  We want to be warm and close to others.  Because the womb is a great place if you think about it---98 degrees, wrapped up, non-stop nourishment, cuddled tightly by another human.

And I've thought about the symbolism of that.

Because I think our souls are the same way.
Spiritually, we long for things that remind us of our "prenatal" pre-existence life with our Heavenly Father--the warmth, the nourishment, the reminders of His existence.

Sometimes I look at my boys and I marvel that my body could've created something so marvelous.  And I think about how Heavenly Father considered man (and then of course woman) as His crowning creations.  And I'm in awe that I get to feel maybe a billionth of that feeling He must've felt when He created us.

I've watched and marveled at the ways that He already answers the prayers of my three-year-old.  And I realize that my children aren't really mine, they're His--just on loan for awhile.  And I realize then how much He loves them. Because I know how much I do.  And I've only known them for one or three years.  And He's known them forever.

Sure, my kids drive me nuts sometimes.  But I hope that somehow I can mature and grow fast enough so that someday they can always know my real feelings about them. I want to have more patience and more charity so that somehow they can catch a glimpse of their Father in Heaven's love for them in my service and attitude toward them.  It's something I think I fall short of a lot, but as I sit here and write this, I realize it's a goal I'm setting for myself.

My children are two of my greatest blessings.  I know how much it pained me to struggle with infertility for the many years that I did.  I remember longing for them daily.

And I'm just so grateful they finally got here.

And that's what I think about motherhood.

Egg Hunting Documentation

So  Easter just happened to be the same weekend as Spencer's birthday.  So we combined the two.

Searching, ever searching.

Yogurt Melts for the Younger Rabbit

Yum, yum, yum.

If this isn't the cutest thing you see all day:

This is Amora Rose.

And as of May 2nd, I'm a Great-aunt thanks to her!

Cutest dress ever?  I think so. 

:)

I didn't want to forget.

I love how Landon's legs are so short because he is (almost) 3.  And so I love when we all sit on the couch together for family scripture study, and his legs just stick out straight in front of him, with his feet pointing straight up.  Because his legs are too short to bend at the edge of the couch. It's like he's some sort of lego-person--only able to bend at the hip or something.

And because he's still got a little bit of toddler in him--his head is still a little large in proportion to the rest of his body.  His cheeks are still chubby.  Even his hands are still a little bit chubby.  But only a little bit.  

Usually BK does bathtime at night with the boys.  But the other night he wasn't home, and so I did.  And I thought to myself--Since when does Landon look GINORMOUS sitting in the bath next to Spencer?  Since when does he take up a good half of the tub??  His (short, little) legs seem to go on forever in that little tub.  Since when is he built like a little boy, not a baby??  When did this happen??  He used to be just this little chubby creature sitting in the water, and now he's a little boy with skinny legs and arms everywhere.  

He turns 3 in 6 days.

And I didn't want to forget what he's like right now at this very moment in time.

Because I just love it.  And these are the things I want to remember about (almost) 3 Landon.

Spencer Birthday Picture Extravaganza

Let the present begin.  Also Landon received a conductor hat, bandana, and train whistle to keep him sane.  Thanks, Nana and Papa.

Oh goody.  An ark!

And sunglasses!

And a new hat and swimsuit! (not pictured)

Bring on the cake.

Why dirty a bath when you can hose off in the sink?

Of COURSE he wanted a turn, too...

Happy Birthday, Spencer.  May your second year be AWESOME.

Rainy Monday

I like it when I think that a day is going to be horrible, and then it isn't.

Like today.

It's raining and cold outside.  This morning my children were grumpy, and I had horrible visions of being trapped all day inside our 950 sq ft apartment with both of them--with no groceries and nothing to do.

But somehow I found the energy to get out and go to the store anyway.  And we actually had a good time at the store.  And then the three of us went out and got some cheap lunch.  And then we rented a couple movies from redbox.

And even though it's raining outside, we've had a pretty good day hanging out on the couch together and eating snacks.

And although some days I hopefully wonder what it will be like to have my children in school and have the whole day to myself, it's days like today that make me tear up just thinking about how lonely I would be without these two.  While grocery shopping really would be quicker, lunch would be cheaper, and I could rent different movies, I wouldn't have anyone to enjoy it with.

I'm glad the three of us have this time to hang out during the day.  They grow up way, way too fast, and I will forever cherish the time I have had at home with them before the day they go off and leave me and go to kindergarten.

The day they go to kindergarten?!?! Talk about a horrible day....