But anyway, this is going to have to be a two-part story, so I'm going to sink you into the depths of despair today, and possible later today, tonight, or tomorrow, I will make you feel okay about life again. (But if you need a hint--there's a really cute picture at the top of my blog of a baby boy named Landon.)
P.S. Not to brag--but I did get a big, fat A on this paper. I think the teacher might have been a little bit biased though--she struggled with the same problem.
P.P.S.--If you're reading this, Tara--know that I mean nothing personally against you--obviously. I love you, and I, of course, love your boys!
March 17, 2005
The Longest Car Ride
“I wish you could stay for the rest of the weekend, Amy,” my sister-in-law Misty said. I had come up to her house in Layton to celebrate my niece Bailey’s birthday.
The Longest Car Ride
“I wish you could stay for the rest of the weekend, Amy,” my sister-in-law Misty said. I had come up to her house in Layton to celebrate my niece Bailey’s birthday.
“Yeah, me too. But I have choir practice tomorrow,” I said, suddenly thankful for having the calling of ward choir accompanist as an escape.
I quickly walked to my car, opened the door, got inside, and immediately dialed my husband BK’s number. Tears were already streaming down my face as I started the car and drove away.
“Hi, AmyLynne, how was your day?” BK said when he finally answered his phone.
My tears had turned to full-fledged sobs at this point, as I said, “Not so good.” I knew it was going to be a long ride back to Provo.
It would be a large understatement to say that my life has definitely not gone the way I had planned. Getting married at eighteen, living with my husband for a week before his six-month deployment, only to have him home for a year and a half before leaving again for another year and a half was not foreseen on my part. And it was definitely not in my plan to struggle with infertility through all of it.
It all started about a month before BK returned home the first time. I decided that maybe I had changed my mind about waiting to have children. I went to the temple. As I sat in the celestial room pouring out my concerns to the Lord, I distinctly felt that it was not time yet. About a month later, I started getting very sick from the hormonal birth control that I was taking. I went to the temple again. This time I got a different answer: Amy, you can go off birth control if you want, but don’t expect to get pregnant. The timing is not right yet. Somehow I ignored the last part, and was more excited about the first. I went home, talked to BK about it, and we decided to just see what happened.
At first we weren’t really trying. But after about six months, I started having concerns. My cycle was very irregular, and I had not yet gotten pregnant. After a visit to the gynecologist, I was more confused than consoled.
“Sometimes your body just goes through different hormonal phases,” he said. “Your cycle being irregular isn’t that big of a deal, it will just be that much more difficult to get pregnant.” Not that big of a deal? Having difficulty getting pregnant was certainly a big deal to me.
After a year, we decided to get more serious about counting days. It was actually a wonderful time in our marriage. We had both gotten to the point in our relationship where we knew there was more to our family than just us. Thinking about raising children with BK brought me so much happiness. Shortly after this, BK found out he was leaving again to go to Iraq. We decided that we would still try. Two more long months passed by. Each time I started my period, my eyes would tear up. While my close friends told me that it was good that I wasn’t pregnant with BK leaving, it didn’t really help much. I wanted to prove to myself that my body could work just as well as anyone else’s.
When BK left in January, I did not know whether or not I was pregnant. I was a few days late, but then, as always, I started my period. I was crushed. Shortly after, I received a letter from BK:
“I was a little sad to find out you weren’t pregnant. Not that I wanted you to have to go through a pregnancy alone, but I just don’t want to be having my first kid be born at a ripe old age of 26 or possibly later. I can’t wait for that day to be able to have kids with you!”
While I knew he was trying to be helpful, I felt that I had let him down. If only my body could work the way everyone else’s does, I could be carrying his baby right now, and we would have something to look forward to. But now we had to wait another year and a half to try again? It didn’t seem fair. But I was prayerful, and felt that the Lord was mindful of my wants. I just needed to see the big picture. Right?
So when I went to Misty’s house that day, I was not expecting the crushing blow that was heading right for me. We had gone out to dinner to celebrate Bailey’s birthday. Our food had just been brought out. I was starving. My BBQ chicken salad looked so good sitting there. I dove into it.
“I have just been so hungry lately. I have felt so bloated and moody. Maybe it’s just PMS,” Misty complained as she started to eat her beef sandwich.
“Or maybe you’re pregnant,” I offered, to tease her husband Brett who, after three girls, was ready to call it quits.
“Oh, Brett, wouldn’t that be so cute? Then there would be three grandbabies all at once!” She laughed, but I wasn’t laughing. How was there going to be three grandbabies if Misty was pregnant? Nobody in the family was pregnant. Or did I just not know? Misty quickly put her hand over her mouth, embarrassed that she had let an important bit of news slip out. Suddenly, I just knew. Tara, BK’s other sister, must be pregnant. I looked down at my BBQ chicken salad. Suddenly, I felt sick. I kept trying to eat, knowing that Brett was paying for my meal. But all I wanted to do was escape.
After the girls were done eating, Brett took them to wash their hands. Misty and I walked out to the car. “I really shouldn’t have said anything. You’ll probably be getting a phone call in a couple of days. I won’t tell you who it is. I don’t want to ruin someone else’s news,” Misty explained. But I wasn’t really listening. I already knew. Tara was pregnant. And I was not. And that’s when the tears started to come.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled. “Can we just change the subject?”
“Amy, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Misty apologized.
“No, really, I’m okay. I am happy for them. I’m just having a hard time with that right now.” I didn’t really need to explain much further to Misty. She already knew the details of our struggle with getting pregnant. She gave me a hug, and we got in the car to go see a movie. I just wanted to get in my car and go home.
All through the movie I cried. I just needed BK there to give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay, but he wasn’t. I just needed to know that when he got back, that we were going to be able to get pregnant, but I couldn’t. I just needed time to pull myself together before Tara called, but I wasn’t going to get that either. Halfway through the movie, “Tara Cell” popped up on my caller ID. I knew that I was going to have to call her that evening and pretend to be ecstatic. I continued to cry, thankful that it was dark, so that nobody could see me.
After the movie, I decided to just get it over with. I called Tara.
“So, I have some good news! Nate and I are pregnant. We’re having identical twins!” I could tell that she was happy. I tried to match it.
“Oh my goodness, that’s great!” Great? Two babies? How could she have two babies, when I didn’t get any?
I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but I remember being proud of myself for not losing it while I was talking to her. I don’t remember the rest of the evening at Misty’s, but I remember being proud of myself for not losing it while I was there. After using the choir excuse practice, I found myself driving, talking on the phone to BK, but mostly just crying. It was then that I lost it.
“AmyLynne, it’s going to be okay. You and I will have our turn someday.” BK is always so rational in hyper-emotional settings.
“No, it’s not okay. I’m not okay. This isn’t fair.” What was even more unfair was that I heard my cell phone beep. Low battery. You have got to be kidding me, I thought. The phone quickly died, and I found myself all alone. I had just passed the exit for Bountiful. I still had a good 45 minutes until I would be home.
How could the Lord leave me stranded like this? No cell phone, no husband, no baby. Hadn’t I prayed every night for the past year and a half to be able to have a baby? Wasn’t that a righteous desire? Tara and Nate only had to try for two months to get pregnant. I was crying so hard at this point, praying out loud, asking for a miracle. I just need something. Just give me something to hold on to!
I passed the exit for Salt Lake City. 40 minutes to go.
Why do I always have to be alone? What are You trying to teach me? I thought if I had faith, that it was enough. Why isn’t it enough? So many questions, none of which were getting answered at this point.
Draper. 30 minutes to go.
I just need BK. Why did You take him away from me? When will things get easy? When will we get our turn to call everyone and brag about having a baby?
Lehi. 20 minutes.
My whole body aches. I have never been so jealous in my whole life. I want to go home and never leave. My whole marriage has been one crushing blow after another. Can’t You just leave us alone for awhile?
American Fork. 15 minutes.
This wasn’t what I signed up for. When I pictured being married, this wasn’t it. I have been required to make too many sacrifices that nobody else ever will, and now this is the last straw. Surely you don’t expect me to have to deal with this emptiness and frustration forever. I’m tired of disappointing myself, my husband, everyone.
Pleasant Grove. 10 minutes.
If I do have to deal with this, can I at least have my husband here to comfort me? Why can’t I just have him? Would that be asking too much to be able to live with my own husband?
Orem. 5 minutes.
I just want to go home to my mom. I want to quit school. I want to quit my marriage. Everything hurts. Everything’s too hard.
Somehow I made it home in one piece, although I don’t remember actually driving home. I stumbled into the front door, and my eyes, red from crying, adjusted to the light. My hands were shaking as I plugged in my cell phone. I dialed BK’s number, still crying.
“BK, help me,” I pleaded. I repeated all the thoughts I had during my drive home. “I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of everything. I hate my life. I want you to come home.”
My sweet husband did not know what to say. His wife had finally reached her breaking point. But what he said reached in to the deepest part of my soul and healed it.
“I love you, AmyLynne. I don’t know what else to say. I love you.” His voice started to break, and I knew that he was crying, too. “The Lord loves you, too, and I don’t know why we’re having to go through any of this, but He does have a plan for us. One way or another, we will have a family. You don’t need to worry about it.”
I felt that the Spirit was speaking to my heart directly through his words. My anger and hurt feelings subsided. My whole body tingled, and I felt at peace. The Lord did have a plan for me. A plan for BK and me and our family. BK stayed up with me almost all night that night, even though he had to get up early the next morning. I could almost feel his arms around me, even though he wasn’t there. The Lord hadn’t abandoned me. BK was still my best friend, even though he wasn’t here.
“BK, we’re going to have a beautiful family, aren’t we.” It was more a statement than a question.
“Yes, AmyLynne. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I wish the story ended with the scene of a doctor placing a baby in my arms, as BK and I both cry with joy and happiness, but it doesn’t. Maybe some day it will, maybe it won’t. But I know it will end up with BK and I together forever in love and happiness. And, for now anyway, that’s all I need to know.
